Thursday, July 19, 2012

I See the Moon ... The Moon Sees Me?

I was so tired last night.  Thus, I knew that there would likely be some dreaming in store for me.  My earlier Bilal dream has yet to resolve?  Fortunately, I didn't wind up having any bad dreams.  Last night's dream wasn't filled with deep messages or hidden meanings for me to uncover.  For a change, instead my dream was kind of fun, maybe even funny?  Well, it was funny to me ... my finding  the nerve to finally leave the boring party, with all of the stuffy old adults carrying on.  My running barefoot through the nighttime in my evening dress and then trying to climb a tree after consuming half a bottle of champagne.  Think the champagne is symbolic of my subconscious mind ... wanting to be free, uninhibited, no longer restrained maybe?  My subconscious mind has quite the sense of humor, at times, I think. 

So what was the dream? ...

Apparently, I had been at some sort of semi-formal party -- for 4th of July or some other holiday, because I was wearing a strapless dress.  As the evening progressed, I had gotten bored with the social airs and keeping up appearances games going on inside:  I don't play games, being the non-conformist (at heart) that I am. So I had slipped outside, with my own personal bottle of champagne.  I took several long sips of the cool, bubbly champagne, straight from the bottle, and giggled as it tickled my tongue.  Looking up into the sky, I saw the moon's dazzling rays dancing across the perfectly manicured grass in the distance. So I kicked off my uncomfortable, strappy-heeled shoes and began to run playfully through the cool nighttime grass in effort to chase after the moon.

At some point, I found a tree ... the perfect tree for climbing --one of my favorite things to do as kid was to climb trees-- so I took several big sips from my champagne bottle before setting the bottle onto the ground at the base of the climbing tree.  Then I began climbing up into this fabulous tree.  Of course my flowing, just below the knee, semi-formal dress was getting in the way of my ability to scale up into this fabulous tree, so I simply unzipped it, slipped out of it and sent it sailing down onto the ground below.  I guess, my thinking was that if I climbed high enough up into the fabulous tree, I might actually be able to touch the moon.

[ Photo by, Katie Hupel ... Do check out her page! : )]

So I climbed and climbed until I broke out of the tree top, and then there I sat perched in the tallest tree branches, just like a little bird in its nest, staring face to face with the magical moon.  I smiled, laughed and spoke in a sing-song voice -- don't think it was actual singing as I cannot sing yet -- "I see the moon and the moon, she sees me."  The moon smiled back at me.  Then I heard voices down below ... Someone was looking for me, but I didn't want to be found.  So I put my fingers up to my lips and whispered "Shhhh-hhhhhh ..." to the moon.  She winked at me. 

I sat quietly up in the tree-top trying my best to be quiet, but I couldn't stop giggling? Just like a kid, I guess, or too much champagne maybe?  Soon enough, one of the voices had zeroed in on my tree.  They called out to me, using my name.  I didn't answer at first, but when they kept calling I finally said "She's not here!"  As if that assurance alone would send said individual on their merry way.  Of course, it didn't.  The next thing I knew this individual was climbing up into the tree after me.  I for my part, was not ready to be found and wondered momentarily if it would be possible for me to fly away, up into the sky into the arms of the moon.  Just as I was completing this thought, however, a strong hand reached out and grabbed onto my forearm.  Then a voice asked, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Playing with the moon." I replied.  "She was lonely too."  And then all of the sudden, I felt an incredible sense of peace and comfort.  Then somehow I found my voice for song and I started to sing the children's lullabye ... "I see the moon.  The moon sees me ..."  The sound of my own voice actually singing startled me and I lost my footing in the tree.  I started to fall, but the strong hand on my forearm caught me and kept me from falling.

"I've got you."  The voice reassured me asthe body of this voice pulled me back onto the safety of the tree limb, where we then sat.

We just sat there silently staring at the moon for a time.  Then the voice with the strong hand spoke.  "I always knew that you had it within you to sing." 

And the voice smiled at me.  I smiled back, with such a sense of peace in my heart ... body, mind and soul.  Then the voice spoke again ... "The moon and I think its time for you to come down out this tree now."

My first instinct --habitual instinct, almost a reflex I guess-- was to say that I wanted to stay up in the safety of the tree-top.  But the voice sitting next to me said unequivocally, "No.  It's time ... Time to come back down.  You know this to be true in your heart."

And suddenly, I was aware of a warm, glowing feeling my chest ... A feeling as if I could actually FLY.  The voice extended its hand and asked "Shall we?"  Motioning to begin our climb down.  I wondered silently in my mind, for the just the briefest second --old habits die hard, I guess?-- What if I fall? But almost before I could even complete this thought the voice said, "Then, I will catch you."

Thus reassured, with peace in my heart and the aid of the voice, with the strong hands, I began my wobbly climb back down out of the safety of my tree-top.  When we reached the bottom of the tree, the voice with the strong hands reached down to retrieve my flowing chiffon dress, but I stopped them, lightly shaking my head with a smile at the realization that "I don't need that (the dress) anymore."


Later p.m. ...  So what does this dream mean, if anything????

Back after taking kids to play tennis.  Think maybe it's time for some lessons?  So I put this dream here so that I could come back and try to make some sense of it later.  Perhaps there are some hidden meanings here that have to be figured out after all?  What does the dress symbolize?  Who is the voice or it is just my inner voice finally awakening to a acknowledgement of my own strength?  And so on ... We shall see what unfolds as I ponder this?  Who needs therapy when you have dreams and blog, right? ; )

Well, I made dinner ... had a glass of wine and crashed shortly thereafter.  I have been so tired lately?  Very odd ... I am usually tired and wired as my normal operating mode.  Must be catching up on weeks ... months ... of missed sleep. Anyhow, slept hard for 3 hours and I am up now.  No dreams:  my favorite kind of sleep. : )  Up now and I feel refreshed.  Will probably do a bit of writing and then hopefully sleep for another three hours later?

I've been thinking about this dream and I am thinking that the voice in the dream is my inner voice saying "Hey! Don't go back up into the tree and hide.  You are strong and you can do this reconnecting."  You see, recently I've been taking some big steps for me in reconnecting with my past.  So far it's been all good and really healing, but this is still new territory for me and it does leave me feeling a bit vulnerable and uncertain at times.  I think that the other voices in the night were others from my past that I have yet to reconnect with.  Ones that I am not ready to reconnect with.  They will have to wait.  The moon is just the moon.  My oldest friend and source of inspiration [When I was little I could not go to sleep at night until I found the moon resting safely in the nighttime sky.  Often times I would wait until everyone else in the house was asleep --because my parents were not very understanding or patient with my need to search out the moon each night.  I wondered what shape she would assume --phases of the moon-- on any given night as I faithfully searched each and every window in the house until I found the moon, whereupon I would often curl up into a little ball with my blanket and fall asleep, right upon the floor, under the protection of the moon's magical and soothing moon beams.  Crazy things kids do?]  The one who understands me and takes me just as I am.  I think the party is outside pressure to conform to a life that I'm really keen on being forced into?  Don't know for certain ... Still working on that part.  The dress is probably an extension of the conformity?  The role that I'm supposed to play?  We shall see.  Often takes me awhile to figure out my crazy dreams and maybe sometimes dreams like these are just for FUN and nothing more.  Me embracing my inner child ... the one who gives me hope and lights my way ahead in this sometimes confusing world.

Oh ... and 'singing' ... Well, I actually have not been able to sing ever since a traumatic incident occurred in my life long ago.  This inability to sing is not a physical injury; my mind just won't let me sing.  I've tried over the years and nothing comes out when I open my mouth to sing.  I'm not entirely sure what it will take for my mind to release my voice for song once again?  A friend of mine --part of my recent reconnecting-- recently pointed out that it seems apparent that I have not yet forgiven myself for painful events that have occurred in my life --though I have found forgiveness for those who hurt me.  So perhaps, when I finally find it in me to truly forgive ME --said the words for others and me awhile back, but I don't think I truly meant them for me?-- I will then release my voice to sing again?  But in tangible, concrete terms in the here and now, I think that finishing this new novel and being able to share it with the world will be a big part of finding my voice again.  And on that note, I'm off to do some writing ...

8/5/2012 ... Just figured it out:  The dress is my old way of thinking, believing, feeling ... the set of beliefs that I grew up with --hence the conformity.  The dress was limiting me  and my way of thinking ... my approach to life and the spiritual journey that I am on.  That is to say, I couldn't climb and expand my way of thinking if I kept the dress on.  By shedding the dress, I am finally ready to fully and completely embrace this new  "universal" --all-encompassing-- way of thinking.

P.S. 7/20/2012 ... 9:30 a.m. ...

I saw your post and your “party story”, Paul. I read it late last night and my mind processed it overnight. I hadn’t seen the parallel between your story and mine until this morning. Rather intriguing with an interesting plot twist … maybe it’s the writer in me, but the outcome of your story was in the back of my mind even before I reached the end of your writing. Then again, maybe it’s knowing you and your need to always to be on the edge that tuned me into where you might be heading with your story about you. The latter being said: my dream is NOT about switching teams. Granted I don’t like being put into boxes, so I am not your typical woman (e.g., I have kept my child-like perspective on life and I don't/won't play the games that women so often play ... I am in a Math/Science career field) but I am very feminine and I really do like men.

Given the painful experiences in my life, you might think that would make me more inclined to experience other types of relationships, but that is just not for me. I know that my reference to “strength” in my dream strength and to “strong hands” … being strong, was meant to be ME finally awakening to the strength that I have within me. And the dress was just conformity to the role that some overbearing people in my life want to force upon me … being the “good wife”, shutting up and just taking all the crap shoveled my way... because that is what “nice girls” do, right? NOT!!

So thank you, Paul, for sharing your story. I think that you are on the right path for you. More power to you! More power to "Nichole."  Not being a big fan of boxes, myself, I can respect his accomplishment.  I’ll keep checking in to your blog every now and again to see how you are doing. Peace & Lots of Love to you. (And I haven’t forgotten about checking in again somewhere on down the line. I’m just not there yet … too many issues to sort out and work through myself still and Ken would be angry with me.  I need to work on mending bridges and crossing them, not building fences.) God Bless!

7/21/2012 ... Well, have been thinking a bit more about your story, Paul.  I wonder if you were also trying to say:  "Be careful what you wish for?"  That is to say, that all things being equal:  sometimes things that we think we know are completely different beneath the surface upon up close/closer inspection.  How very wise you are for someone always perched so precariously close to the precipice of a lofty edge ; )  Thank you, my friend.  Message received and assimilated.  XOXO

3/25/2013 Reading back over this, it occurs to me that perhaps this dream is a longing for my husband to try to find me ... reconnect with me on a deeper level once again, but at this point in our lives I don't think that is going to happen.  

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