Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Worth of ALL Women

A wise and good friend, actually like a sister, just sent me this message. It brings up a good point -- things we as women all have in common -- and sings the praises of the worth of all women. Read it and be reminded of YOUR WORTH! God Bless!

I know all of us women have this "flaw" ... sometimes, because we want to do so much for the people we love and we are so hard on ourselves because we are spread so thin and we want to do even MORE. YOU ARE AWESOME AND AMAZING! Remember all day today AND EVERYDAY!

The Worth of Women

One Flaw In Women

(you will see what it is in the end)

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have the compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.



The Garden of Adonis - Amoretta and Time, By John Dixon Batten::

9/14/09 Welcome to my new Secret Garden ... take off your shoes and run through the cool grass ... smell the sweet flowers ... watch the graceful butterflies dance ... hear the joyful birds sing ... feel the warmth of the gentle sun on your face ...

Me? I'll be swinging on the tree swing ... my absolute favorite thing to do as a child:  swing so high that my feet could almost touch the sky ... those were the days!  : )  Ah ... the simple, innocent and uncomplicated days of youth... Enjoy!

I'm off to swing ... I'll write more soon ...

P.S. I'll put a spell on you ... you too can be youthful here once again ... stay and play with me ...

Song: If Everyone Cared, By Nickelback

9/14/09 late p.m.

In keeping with a return to days of youth ... I recall that my second favorite thing to do as a child was to ride my bike like wind ... as fast as I could ride ... and I especially loved to go down huge hills -- northern California has glorious hills. I used to put my arms out to my sides, soar down the hills and feel as if I was flying. What a wonderful memory and a wonderful feeling!

I haven't ridden my bike in such a long time. I used to love cycling. In college, I didn't have a car for the longest time -- didn't get my driver's license until after I was twenty ... couldn't afford a car or the gas ...and lessons with a British driving instructor for my 18th birthday, over in England ... going 60 mph., in a standard transmission, on tiny winding English roads --and on the wrong side of the road to boot! -- scared the hell out of me! So I rode my bicycle everywhere: to and from campus, to the mall, to the grocery store -- my college bike is still in great shape and in the garage. I must have well over 10,000 miles on that thing?!

Anyway, I got to where a 15 mile ride was piece of cake. I could even ride in the snow -- that takes talent and I fell hard on more than one occasion, but you do what you gotta do! Then, I started riding longer and distances -- just to see how far I could go. Before I knew it, I was going on 25 mile, 35 mile bike rides and longer. When my right knee gave out for running, I became a cycling fool. I even trained for the Texas Hotter than Hell 100, one year B.K. and B.C. -- before Ken and kids --but I got very ill and wasn't able to make the race. Life took off in a different direction after that. I always regretted not making that race. They have something similar up here. Our church has a group of avid cyclers that partake every year. Maybe, I'll work up the courage and make the time to partake this year?

I'm glad that I took the time to stop and swing ... to reminisce ... to think happy thoughts about happy times ... take some time to think for you. I'll let you borrow the swing and even give a push to get started. : )Peace and blessings to you ... guess it's time to go back through the looking glass.

P.S.  A friend of mine recently shared his good news with me:  after years without a car, he had purchased a fixer-upper from a friend.  Can't even begin to think how I would do my life now without a car  ... but it was fun to reminisce about the days when I was able to do just that ... and to remember the joys of  NOT having a car.  Here's to you Paul:  enjoy your new treasure and the fun you're having fixing it up!  : )

9/15/09  One step forward ... two steps back ... I'd like to think that overall we're moving forward ... but sometimes it seems as if we're just standing still?

 'The good wife' ... they've made a TV show with this title. I may just have to watch ... perhaps I can gleam something about my present circumstances from this show? Although typically, I'm not much of a TV fan ... too many other useful things to do. I used to be a news junkie, but since the election and the troubles in my personal life: I've taken a news break. Funny thing is, aside from knowing the weather -- which luckily is pretty predictable up here -- I don't miss the news and I am a lot less stressed. Go figure?

But back to the 'good wife' ... I've been asking myself a lot lately, "Am I a good wife?" Well, in the conventional wisdom, stereotype, of a good wife ... Answer: PROBABLY NOT. I'm very opinionated and head strong, but I'm willing to listen and negotiate. I'm also very passionate and sometimes moody, but I make life interesting. I love to throw caution to the wind and try something new ... something to break the old boring, totally mundane routine. Ken is very stable and very predictable. I used to think that we complemented each other in that respect. He gave me stability and I gave him a sense of adventure.

I'm not a fanatic about having a clean and orderly house, but my house is cleaned on a rotating regular basis ... still, on any given day, you may find dust on the end tables, a stack of papers on the table, kids shoes and coats on the floor and smudges on the glass. Big deal! My kids, my husband, and living life are my priority ... not the orderly state of the house in which we dwell.

I'm also not a great cook, but I get by. My kids joke that their mom actually has the ability to burn water -- that's another story ... too embarrassing to share here. I hate to follow a recipe! Must be the Cajun French in me? I love to see what ingredients we have on hand and make a creation of my own -- usually something with seafood and/or pasta. Love mushrooms -- preferably portabella ... rather have these sautéed than any chocolate on the planet! ... I love to cook with red wine and fresh herbs too. Most of the time, my creations turn out pretty darn good, I'd have to say ... when they don't, I'll fix PB and J sandwiches. Flexibility is my mantra! And I think that I'm raising kids that will, in turn, be flexible and adaptive. But make me follow a recipe and I'll probably screw it up ... I just get bored and my eyes glaze over ... Ken is the recipe following chef and he can cook up a storm -- thanks to his Italian grandmother who raised him -- when he has the time and inclination. He used to cook a lot for me before we had kids. Now he has to settle for my meager fare.

Okay, so those are the negatives ... on the positive side, I think that I am a very supportive wife. I encourage Ken to try new things -- like learn how to play the guitar ... which he now absolutely loves and he's pretty good at it too. He has the ability to figure out and play things by ear ... something I'll never be able to do! I give him space to do his own thing ... like golf and now sailing. I encourage Ken to try new things in his career, listen to his concerns and try to be supportive of his choices. When he needed to work out of state in order to have a certain job, or work experience: I stayed with the kids and did the single parent thing. The last time we did this was a year ago, when Ken came up to the Northwest and worked for 9 months. I stayed in Texas with the house and kids -- that was really, really hard and probably the beginning of the strain on our marriage now that I think back. At the end of nine months, Ken had no plans to come back and work opportunities in Texas weren't great. So I said: 'We're coming up there!' I guess the cost and the logistics of the move, kids readjusting to new schools, keeping the house in Texas until we knew if living up here could become permanent, etc. was also a strain on our marriage.

But back to the positives -- THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE THERAPY ... BUT HEY, AT LEAST I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT?! : ) Besides, listening to someone else's troubles, seeing their flaws, is supposed to make you feel good about your life and yourself, no? So positives:  I'm a very spiritual person. I believe in a Creator, not necessarily in established religions -- although, I do find the study of established religions absolutely fascinating -- but in a higher power ... in God. I have an ongoing conversation with God daily ... He gets me through the hard times, and He provides me insight and guidance when I'm not too stubborn to shut up and listen. I am also the spiritual head of our household, which is hard. I had hoped that one day Ken would assume this role, but he shows absolutely no interest. Not two weeks ago, I said 'Ken, I'm really not feeling well. Would you take the kids to church without me?' His answer: 'No. I love you, but church is just not my thing. I go to church for you ... for the kids, because it seems important to you, but if mom doesn't go: then no one is going.' I guess there is a big disconnect between us on a spiritual level, and Ken won't ever have that conversation with me -- believe me I've tried ... I'm very passionate and he ends up accusing me of screaming and raising my voice, then he walks away and I'm left in tears. The religion ... God discussion is off limits in his book. Okay tears are flowing again ... and I have work to do. I'll have to finish my analysis later. Blessings to you!

Catch ya later ...

9/15/09 late p.m.

In reading over this entry again -- at a later point and without tears – I reallize as a wise friend said just today, we – Ken and I – and me individually may need some outside help to get through this time. I’ve tried therapy and it didn’t help me much -- in my humble opinion, that is. Ken’s never pushed me to keep going to therapy either, because he knows what a strong and resourceful person I am. But perhaps, at this point in time, an outside perspective would be helpful? I guess that I can’t fix everything on my own? I’ve begun to loose my perspective maybe? That’s why hope peaks and then wanes? That’s why I feel as if we’re standing still sometimes? Maybe a third party can help Ken and I have the God discussion? I know that Ken believes in a God on some level. I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t. He just doesn’t want to rely on a God, or make him a priority in his life; he leaves that to me.

It is very very hard for me to trust others, especially outsiders. Hard for me to even rely on friends and family, to burden them with my needs. Once in awhile I need a sounding board, but I hate asking for much beyond that. So forcing myself to trust, or rely on an outsider to help during this difficult time will be very difficult for me. It will take some doing for me to talk myself into doing the counselor -- or therapy or whatever-- thing … and then, even more to work up the courage to suggest it to Ken. But I guess that I’ve put it off long enough? I’ll start the discussion with myself and see how it goes …

Ken is a wonderful man. He’s absolutely brilliant and very resourceful – I used to tease him and call him ‘Mr. Mensa’ when we first met, because his IQ is over 160. I love the way his mind works. : ) I think that I am a better person for having known him. There is no task that he sets his mind to that he cannot accomplish. He is very loving and very patient most of the time -- but he has a mean temper when he is cross ... In his defense, however, my moodiness is probably no picnic either. Ken is a great dad, very nurturing, supportive, and even playful at times. He tries to help out around the house with cleaning and stuff, he even does his own laundry most of the time – but in truth, his efforts are mostly because he is so picky about the way his laundry is washed and how it’s folded. He loves me in his own way. He’s not very romantic, not very affectionate, and not much of a talker -- unless it's about the Gators during college football season : ) ... but that’s just who he is.  Ken was romantic while we were dating … that gives me hope that the romantic spark could ignite in him once again. He tries to be supportive of me and the things that I want. He respects my opinion and actually listens to what I have to say.

I think that the stresses in our lives this past 1.5+++ yr., and always being parents first and a couple second, is what sent us into this rough patch. I guess when times are tough: it’s human nature to seek out the uncomplicated? I think that despite my lack of patience: I am a very forgiving person. I really do want to work through our problems and get back to where I was when I made the entry in my blog on 8-09-2006, Titled: 'The One You Love...'.  I said, "When you're with the one you love you feel as if you could fly ...I am truly a better person and enjoy life more fully than I ever would've on my own thanks to the love of my life and my husband of 10++ years."  And I truly meant every word of that at the time ...

I think as I read back over what I wrote about myself, earlier, that I am definitely a bit eccentric, but that doesn’t make me a bad wife, does it? It just makes me a different kind of wife – definitely not a Stepford wife, but that’s not what Ken wanted or he wouldn’t have married ME, right?

I think too that maybe I need to let Ken know everything that has been going on with my feelings for a past love during the writing of my book and during this rough time between us. Maybe my honesty will help him to be more honest with himself and me? Maybe the guilt that I feel for having these feelings at all is subconsciously holding me back … keeping me from moving forward? Maybe confinding in Ken, will help me to set this past love free and move on with the healing in a more definitive way?

I do have to give Ken credit, I told him that I had made a male friend that I was corresponding with in an ongoing philosophical discussion – just since August. I didn’t want to lie or sneak around, and I wasn’t looking for it to happen, but this friend and I made a connection. He is also a logical (thinking) soul and a kindred spirit, with a warm heart and great sense of humor. Anyway, about two weeks after our initial contact: I told Ken what was going on, how it happened, and I showed him my friend’s blog and the intial email that started our conversation. I told Ken that I would stop writing if it made him uncomfortable. Ken said, as long as it was just a philosophical discussion that he was okay with my new friend and me continuing to write back and forth – of course, he made sure that my friend lived far away in another state too. Ken’s response really surprised me and gave me a new respect for him.

Guess that those that we love can surprise in both good and bad ways, even after 10+++ years of marriage? Go figure? Guess that’s probably why they say: ‘For better or worse’ in the marriage vows. Guess that Ken and I have been lucky that we've had years of nothing but good thus far, before the worse part kicked in … And so life marches on, but with hope for better days ahead.

I think that I’m going to stick to reminiscing on happy times in my Secret Garden from now on. I need more happiness in my life … I’ll save the rest of the soul searching and reflecting for the counselor or therapist or whatever! I’m off to swing some more … then maybe I’ll slip into a good book (everyone else is in bed asleep already?! And it’s only 10:45 p.m.). God Bless you who pass this way … sleep well … sweet and peaceful dreams to you…



P.S. 9/16/09  A dear friend suggested that I should probably wait to reveal my feelings and things that I have been feeling for my past love until Ken and I are actually in a therapy session with a third (unbiased) party.  Probably good advice.  Nice to have a caring friend shed some light and perspective on my darkness ... sometimes things that are right in front of you are hard to see when you're experiencing emotional pain.  Thanks Kathy!  You are a treasured friend ... so glad that you are in my life!  Girl Scout meetings today after school and we're picking up Bethany's violin for her first lessons -- she's so excited ... fun to see! ... Gotta run ...

9/17/09 Someone -- don't know if it is B.L. -- is still making art post that are pulling on my heart strings ...

The last art post was titled 'A SYMBOLIST'S ODE TO EDGAR ALLEN POE'. It was posted by 'dayyamae-feuin'. Try to go through that as an acronym? With 'M.A.', as my first and maiden name and 'E', for England -- where we went to school. Is that stretching it?

In the 'Thoughtful, Bemused' album, posted by 'folkysteve_aqrdw' -- another partial acronym? -- I referred to the fact that "I loved the symbolism" in the paintings choosen for the album -- when I left a comment for the album.

Whoever it is, B.L. has my email address and my blog address, but still he chooses to make no direct contact with me. If it is him speaking, he is speaking in riddles to me ... I am too emotionally drained, tired and confused to understand ... to even try to begin to comprehend ... what he is trying to say. His silence speaks louder to me than all of these art posts and their words. His silence says to me, 'I couldn't be friends with you then and I can't be friends now ... move on.' I don't know ... maybe one of these days, when this fog clears, I will be albe to look back on these ablums and understand.

In my present state of mind: simple and direct words are what I need in order to give my heart peace and to begin the process of moving on?

I'm done with art albums and art posts for awhile ... I'm making my stuff private and just taking a break from needlessly torturing myself any longer.  I said 'farewell' ... it's done ... over ... I'm sincerely going to try to get on with moving on.

9/18/09  The tears have finally dried up a bit.  I can see to read the screen and type clearly now.  I slept some last night.  That helps ... In writing to a friend about where I'm at right this minute and what I'm feeling right now, I realized that if I were B.L. I wouldn't want to make contact with me at this tumultuous time in my life either.  I wouldn't want to be responsible for adding anything -- hope or pain -- to what I (me) am already feeling and going through.  I would want to wait until the other person worked through their issues and figured out where they stood before I said or did anything.  So I guess that I understand the silence now ...

I still wish you only the best, B.L..  You were a good friend and I've never connected with anyone else on the spiritual level that I felt we connected on ... ever ... and I may never again, but that's alright ... that's just the way life works sometimes?  As I've said before, you will always hold a very special place in my heart, and I will keep you and your beautiful family in my prayers for peace, for joy and prosperity in your lives.  As for the silly questions that I wanted answered ... well, I'll just use my imagination and make up my own silly answers.  I do remember one thing from our days of youth, however ... you wanted to be a judge and possibly go into politics.  Whatever happened to that dream?  Hopefully, your dreams are still alive ...

Peace to you ...


P.S. If the art albums were you ... they are beautiful, especially the 'Thoughtful, Bemused'.  I think that I understand that one the best.  The 'Ode to E. Poe' is dark and sad ... without hope, if I read it correctly?  Forever eclipsed in night?   I feel that way sometimes, lately, too.  If that is you, and that is how you feel, please keep hope.  Does knowing someone out here loves you, is rooting for you, praying and hoping for you ... for your dreams to be realized help any?  I believe in you ... you can be anything you set your mind and heart to:  so don't be afraid to reach for the stars.  I like the notion that the stillness of the lake is an illusion and that underneath he is wild ... that is 'lovely'. 

The pictures, in the Poe album, are captivatingly beautiful.  Almost ethereal.  The words are charged with emotion.  Together, the pictures with the words ARE spellbinding: enrapturing.  I didn't want to see ... to admit ... the true meaning of this album upon my first viewing.  In looking over the album again, with additional insight, I do see the meaning of the album now ...

'The Reflection', by Ferand Khnopff
So blend the turrets and shadows there that all seem pendulous in air.

This painting at the center of the album speaks the loudest to me ... it says, to me, that the author has discovered that he is merely reflecting back what he thinks the world wants to see, and this realization contributes to his overall sadness.  While it may have taken a gentle, loving nudge, to open the author's eyes, only the author has the power within himself to change that.  Of course, those that love the author can pray for him ... believe in him ... hope for him.  Know that I will be doing these things for you, my dearest B.L. ... because, even if this album wasn't you ... I get the strong sense that this center picture speaks for where you are at in your life right now.

Beautiful songs, from a beautiful movie. Maybe even 'Death' has a heart after all?

Song: Whisper of a Thrill, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

Song: Someone Else, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

Song: Walkaway, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

9/18/09 p.m. (while waiting for pizza to return)  'Fly on the Wall'...

I go downstairs to grab something to drink. I bring Ken up a Guiness from the fridge ... of course I open it for him and take the first few sips ... we're up in the bedroom, where the PC is ... kids are playing at the school with Lauren's cell phone. I can see them from the window, by the computer, from time to time ...

KEN - out of nowhere, but in a playful way -- after a long day and a few sips of his beer, while watching Fresno State play football  (I'm listening to new music on my playlist in the same room ... trying to introduce Ken to some new stuff -- there's a role reversal?!):

'wonder if e-harmony would have matched us up?'

ME, with a laugh and a smile -- Ken came home and surpised me this morning:

'probably not in a million years ... must have been fate.'

KEN: 'you don't believe in fate ...'

ME: 'yah ... that's right ... I don't, do I? well, I believe in reincarnation ... we've probably been this way before ... you think?'

No repsonse from Ken ... Fresno has just run near 70 yards for an 'INCREDIBLE!' -- me (think) Fresno State 'incredible'?!! -- touchdown ... they're in process of doing it again ... that's why I'm typing this ... at least the computer listens?@!

ME: 'Paul bought a new guitar .. a bass guitar .. I don't know much much about electric guitars ... what is a 1972 Fender Jazz Bass re-issue, Geddy Lee, Signature Edition? Is it expensive?'

Commercial ... I have his attention once again ...

KEN: 'Geddy Lee was the bass guitarist for 'Rush' ... so that's probably a reissue of a guitar he played ... yeah, probably about a grand for something like that.'

ME: 'Wow! That explains it: Paul is a HUGE 'Rush' fan. ... Pizza for dinner tonight? I'm craving pizza and my stomach isn't hurting for a change ... What do you think?'

Must be an interesting commercial?!

KEN: Delay ... 'Sounds good. ... Guess I'm picking it up?'

ME: 'Sounds good to me. I'll call it in ... What kind do you want?'

No response ... My choice, I guess...

END OF CONVERSATION == I pick up the phone to order the pizza ... we'll try again later. Baby steps ... baby steps ... least, I am smiling a bit today and not crying my eyes out, like yesterday.

Just had thought:  Do I really want flies in my 'Secret Garden'? ... something to ponder while I indulge my pizza craving.  : ) Like having a 'Secret Garden' ... fun to run around barefoot, almost wild and free!

P.S.  If you're in an adventurous mood:  check out my 'trying out some new stuff' playlist, song #53 -- oops, I deleted a song! Should be 'Butter', by the Bloody Beetroots ... comment explains why ... trust me, it'll be worth your while ... intoxicating!

9/19/09 I wonder ... does experiencing pain ... any kind of pain have the potential to awaken us ... awaken our senses ... our appreciation for things that we used to walk right on by ... not even notice?  Now that I feel as if I am starting up the upside of the emotional pain and turmoil that I've been experiencing these past few weeks +++, I feel ... this morning, strangely alive? Not even sure if that is the right word?  But every smell is stronger, every color is brighter, music is sweeter, a hug from my kids feels warmer, food even tastes to me once again.  I don't know what it is, but I hope that it lasts ... (maybe I will share this on my regular blog post?)

Erynn scored a goal at her soccer game today.  YEAH! She was excited!  Her team wasn't crushed this time and our team parents weren't so apethetic this time.  I swear, it took every ounce of restraint that I had, at the last game, not too jump up and snatch the newspaper from a mom  --- who was more interested in her Saturday paper than in her daughter playing in the game.  When the poor little girl would come and sit by her mom during her breaks, she would criticize her daughter's performance.  What nerve?  What a crappy parent?! -- and SMACK her with it!!!!  I didn't do it, but I sure imagined myself doing it!  Instead, I tried to compliement the little girl and give encouragement to the team as whole.  Still don't know all of the little girl's names -- though I know most -- so I was cheering for jersey numbers.  My small voice was drowned out by the oposing teams' parents -- who were all wearing matching t-shirts in support of their daughters -- but I hoped that my action would inspire the other parents to do more than just sit there with their eyes glazed over.  It would be frustrating, if I didn't think that perhaps God put Erynn on that team for a reason.

Lauren has a late game this evening.  I won't be able to go, because I will taking Bethy and E.J. to a drive-in movie camp-out with the Girl Scouts.  70% chance of rain too?!  This should be fun!?!  We may have to opt out on the sleepover part ... we'll play it by ear. 

Peace to you ... mine is slowly returning...

9/20/09  Cold, damp and rainy last night. Tents were turning into kites. They had to park cars and tie the tents to the cars. Ground was too wet, I guess? Over an hour and half to drive there, but we made it okay. We may live up here now, but the bone-chilling, wet cold is something that we still haven’t adjusted to yet; we’re still die hard Texans in that respect. My girls didn’t even want to sit outside in the biting cold wind and watch the movie, so we watched from the comfort of the car. That was okay with me, cause the two things that I can’t stand to be are cold and wet. Needless to say, we didn’t wind up sleeping over. We’ll have to stick to warmer weather camping?

Got home around 2:00 a.m., but I’m just getting my second wind then, so that was no problem. Kids can crash anywhere, so they slept while I drove. As I was driving along a narrow, and extremely winding road – watching for large, cow-sized deer to jump from the shadows into the road – I wondered to myself:  'Is a state’s highway infrastructure in anyway indicative of that state’s political leanings?' I used to make fun of Texas roads and the ‘brilliance of Aggie engineering’, but Texas roads – despite the never-ending road construction – are well-ordered and for the most part and somewhat straight. I have yet to drive on a STRAIGHT road up here! And God forbid you miss your exit ?! You have to drive At least another two miles before you can get off and turn around. Driving up to the drive-in movie theater, I had to make three, 90 deg. Turns just to stay on the same highway?! Can you deduce that we’re now living in very liberal leaning state?

The movies at the drive-in were: bad and good. ‘Shorts’ is now at the top of my list – or at least tied anyway, with ‘Fargo’ – for the all-time worst movies that I’ve ever been forced to watch. It was pretty painful. Even Erynn Jeanne, at one point, sunk her head into her hands and cried out in agony, ‘Oh, just make it stop! This is so horrible! I can’t take it anymore!’ Guess that about sums up that movie. Second movie was better though: ‘Up’. Cute movie! Interesting storyline. Impressive animation. Loved the notion of a couple being in love and growing old together. The overall message of the movie was good too: that LIFE ITSELF is the adventure, surrounded by the one’s that we love and that love us in return.

On the quiet, dark drive home – while listening to 70’s music -- I thought about what I had been feeling yesterday ... the fact that I felt 'strangely alive.' I think that I had just reached that point – and I’ve been there before … been awhile, but I remember it now – where I was completely broken again … there was nothing of me … of my will left, so a higher power steps in to sustain me and begin the process of rebuilding me again. I think that the fact that I had a spent a day in mourning, and letting go of my past love, coupled with the fact that I had committed myself to seeing a therapist, were also instrumental in the initiation of the rebuilding process, and hence, contributed to the feeling that I was alive once again. So, I’m on my way back, right?

Another thought went through my mind as I was driving too … doesn’t a flame –light bulb-- always burn brightest right before it goes out? I’ve never felt that I was meant to live very long in this life … in fact, I’m surprised that I’ve made it this far, given everything that I’ve been through. I always felt that I would be lucky to live past 33. But one thing is different about this life for me … children … I don’t think that I’ve ever been a mother before, so maybe that changes things? As eccentric and screwed up as I am, I think that I am a good mother. I think that I am raising brilliant, loving, and creative kids who will truly make a difference in this world. They will not be cattle, easily led by others, they will be leaders, thinkers, instruments of hope, hopefully peace and change. Maybe, I’m not here to make a difference myself, but to help my children make the difference?

Well, that’s enough reflecting … a sunny day is here today. It’s beautiful outside. Maybe I’ll spend some time outside reading or writing. Ken is taking the kids out to a park for a hike. I came across a photo of Ken and I, as I was cleaning up in the bedroom – still have lots of boxes, as this house is smaller than ours in Texas … and we’re renting here … have to move again next June ... so don't want to unpack everything anyway -- I came across a photo of Ken and me on our wedding day, Dec. 28th, 199X ... . I look like a baby – to me, anyway – in the photo. Ken does too. Our wedding day seems like a lifetime ago some days ... and just like yesterday, every once in awhile ... in a few stolen moments.

'Narcissus', By John William Waterhouse
Image Courtesy of
The Winter Flower

9/21/09  It is hard to put your heart on the line and risk being hurt ... seems as if I've had my heart broken twice just recently -- although the second heartbreak actually happened long ago ...  but, I'm just getting around to processing it now.  Despite it all:  I'm still here ... I'm not giving up ... and hopefully I'm on my way to peace once again.  In truth, I think that the unspoken regret later in life would have been worse than the heartbreak that I have been going through these past few weeks+++.

I worked up the courage, today, to tell Ken that I wanted to see a therapist.  I don't want him to think that I am coming unraveled ... because on the outside, these past few months, I've kept up a strong front for the kids ... and for him to some extent.  I tried to only cry in private.  I could see the alarm in Ken's eyes, when I told him ... his mind wandering back to the dark times at the beginning of our relatioship, when I was a broken mess.  I reassured him that I'm not going there again ... that I just needed to talk to an unbiased third party, to have someone listen ... listen and talk back.  He said to do what I needed to do.  So I am ...I still haven't worked up the courage to suggest that we see a marriage counselor together.  That will be a tougher battle.  Me seeing someone is one thing; him being involved in the process is another matter entirely.

When I think back on being a child:  my earliest recollections of myself are of someone who was fearless ... absolutely fearless ... I lived life to the fullest, every moment of everyday ... but with each subsequent attack, I lost a bit more of that fearlessness ... I went through many years as an adolescent and teen being shy, withdrawn and introverted ... it is only since coming to terms with my past abuses, on some level as an adult, that I've begun to reclaim some of that fearlessness once again.   I think having kids has helped me further along on this quest, because I want my kids to have a courageous ... fearless ... feminine role model.  I want them to know that they can do whatever they set their hearts and minds to ... nothing is impossible, if you believe in yourself and a higher power, God, a Creator.

I remember, like it was yesterday, the day that I stopped singing ... I was five years old ... it was the first time that I can remember being attacked. There have been a few times, since that terrible day ... so long ago ... that I have been able to make myself sing, or pretend to sing ... but I was not singing with my whole heart.  I sang to my children when they were little and I was alone with them, but I always cried afterwards ... and I would stop if anyone else came into the room.  To this day, I can't sing in public places or even just among family.  I can't even sing at church ... I've tried, but the words just won't come out.  That will probably be my hardest mountain to climb, but when I reach the top of that mountain ... I think that I might just be completely whole once again.

'Portrait of a Girl', By John William Waterhouse
Image Courtesy of

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite things to listen to ... when I am feeling low ... I especially love the voices in this song ... they are angelic.  If I could sing only 1/10th this beautifully someday that would be divine; this song, in particular, gives me hope that I may one day achieve this dream.  This entire work transports me to another place ... a safe place, without fear or pain ... I love to escape into the music.

9/22/09  The writing has been slow these past few weeks+++.  I've been too emotionally overwhelmed to focus clearly, but today it's slowly coming back.  Gives me hope for finishing, one day, in the next few months.

Here's what I'm listening to, today, while taking a short break to swing ...

It is a beautiful world ... even if, from time to time, we experience pain while living it.  As I said, the other day: 
"I wonder ... does experiencing pain ... any kind of pain have the potential to awaken us ... awaken our senses ... our appreciation for things that we used to walk right on by ... not even notice? Now that I feel as if I am starting up the upside of the emotional pain and turmoil that I've been experiencing these past few weeks +++, I feel ... this morning, strangely alive? Not even sure if that is the right word? But every smell is stronger, every color is brighter, music is sweeter, a hug from my kids feels warmer, food even tastes to me once again. I don't know what it is, but I hope that it lasts ..."

Maybe the pain reminds us to BE ALIVE ...

9/23/09 As I was working out today -- my version of therapy : ) : I thought about what I wrote yesterday, and why I choose to have a Secret Garden. I think the pain reminds me that my spirit is like a garden ... and mine has not been watered in a very long time. I need to do some weeding and some watering! And my husband needs to step up to the plate and be the one who helps me tend my garden. I'm not talking about our sexual relationship ... I'm talking about our spiritual relationship. I shouldn't have to look elsewhere for spiritual companionship?! Should I? Now, I just need to figure out how to have that conversation with Ken ... and see where it goes.

9/24/09  Growing up in my family, the manta was -- and apparently still is -- "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil."  I come from a long line of supressors and deniers ... I wonder if there is an actual gene that carries these traits?  As I've been going through the things I've been feeling lately, I try to keep what I'm going through to myself because if I confide in one single person in my family:  immediately the whole family knows everything and they all have incessant advice that basically boils down to 'cram it all back inside and carry-on on with the status quo.' 

And they wonder why, as a child, an adolescent, a teenager ... I kept things about my abuse from them?

My mother shares with me her story of her time of trial in her marriage, but then in the very next sentence basically tells me to deny my time of trial ... that it's Satan trying to tempt me?  Well I do believe in the existence of evil and I do believe in temptation, but my approach will NOT be denial.  I want to confront the temptation head on, work through it and defeat it.  That is the ONLY way to get rid of it and not always have the doubt there festering under the surface.  I can't live that way anymore!!  I did it as a child and I WON'T do it as an adult.  I just WON'T!

I think that my mother's concern -- what I get for confiding in a sister? -- is that I may wander from my relationship with my husband.  I think that if I were going to do that, I would have done it by now; and I haven't.  Didn't click why I was so struck by the quote that I posted on 9/19:

"Not all who wander wonder; then again - not all who wonder wander."

Until just now ...

I am wondering, but I haven't wandered.  I have a good  heart, hopefully a good soul ... and I want to do what is right, I just don't want to loose myself in the process.  Does that make any sense?

9/25/09  I wonder sometimes ... is Ken afraid to show me just how much he truly loves me because he is afraid that if he does, he will appear weak somehow ... that I will suddenly find him boring ... and maybe leave?   A thought that I will definitely explore with the therapist.

If I have been anything throughout all of these years of marriage: it has been loyal and faithful.  I would just like to see myself reflected in my husband's eyes once again.  Is that too much to hope for?  You can't ask for it ... it has to be deeply felt and freely given ... and I am afraid that seeing myself reflected in the eyes of the one that I love is something that I don't think that I can compromise on.  I would slowly wither away and die without it ... I can fast for awhile, but not indefinitely.

9/26/09 Late soccer games today.  Went to a party with co-workers of Ken's last night.  A farewell to a couple who are taking a year off to tour the country in their RV.  They've sold, or given away, almost all that they own.  Sounds like quite an adventure is in store for them, especially with a 2 year-old and a four month old baby on board.  Talk about changing your perspective?!  Well, more power to them! : )  Fun party, but way too much drinking.  Why do people always get LOUD when they've had too much to drink?  I had a headache at the end of the evening, but not from having too much to drink:  just the VOLUME of the party ... I think?  I managed to finish one whole glass of wine over the course of the evening -- but it may have actually been  more than that, cause everytime I turned around  it seemed as if my glass was somehow full again?  Maybe that's why I had the headache? Oh, well ...

Here is a poem that I've been tossing around over the course of the last week ... off and on.  Not sure if it's quite done yet?  It may still need some tweaking, but here it is what I have anyway.  The subject matter is a traditionally taboo topic in our society:  Death.  Did a chill just run down your spine? 

Why such a creepy ... dark... subject matter, you ask?  Well my experiences, of late, have caused me to rexamine my thoughts ... my beliefs .. on the subject of Death ... so, here goes:  this is what I've come up with thus far ...

'The Angel of Death', By Evelyn Pickering De Morgan
Image Courtesy of

@September 2009, Michelle C. of

The Unexpected Angel

Death is not dark. He is not cold, nor is he evil. On the contrary, Death is quite simply misunderstood. No faceless, black robed, sickle bearing demon is he. Death has a face, and a rather handsome one at that. And though his countenance does not bear signs of age, his eyes are filled with the wisdom of ages; for Death has witnessed the rise and fall of many once great nations.

Death does not set about his task with joy nor malice, as fable and legend would have the world believe. No indeed, Death has a warm and gentle, almost tender, nature. His compassion is beyond measure, for he has personally borne the pain of every soul ever placed into his charge. Death takes no twisted pleasure in his work, but neither would he ever trust his many charges to the care of another.

Death is harbinger to weary bodies and souls, and protector of the innocent who seem to have been taken from this life before their time. He lovingly guides the way between this life portal and the next.

Death is the keeper of the Door to Rebirth. His shouldering the burden of that heavy door gives birth to the possibility of growth for the soul and the hope of eventual enlightenment for all souls.

Death heals the broken hearted, by mercifully laying unrequited loves to rest. His act of kindness grants peace to those held in the cruel grasp of unrelenting pain, giving the heart leave to be open to new possibilities and the hope of love once again.

Death can give us wings. Like a butterfly's chrysalis, Death provides us a safe space, in his loving embrace, where we are allowed to fall completely apart so as to emerge once again, rebuilt anew, stronger and wiser in this life.

And so, hopefully, you now see that Death is many things: Guide and Protector, Father, Healer and Lover ... none of which are to be feared, but instead should rather be revered. I wonder, could it not be said that Death has perhaps the biggest heart of us all?

@September 2009, Michelle C. of   

'Sleep and His Half Brother Death', By John William Waterhouse
Image courtesy of

What do you think?  Am I totally out in left field here?  Yes?  No?  Maybe? 

I guess, that I just have a newfound respect for Death ... what can I say?  The ideas in this poem, about death, help to explain how I've gotten through these last few weeks to some extent.  I've had to die, in some respects, in order to be able to carry on in my life, in the here and now ... And when I hit rock bottom, I did fall 'completely apart', but I've emerged from my chrysalis now stronger, hopefully wiser, and ready to face the world once again.

On that note:  here are some beautiful songs, from a beautiful movie ... And, I really do think ... having taken some time to ponder ... that Death truly does have the biggest heart of us all ...

Do you perchance agree?

Song: Whisper of a Thrill, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

Song: Someone Else, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

Song: Walkaway, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

9/26/09 late p.m. ...  I have insomnia bad tonight ... headache still too ... I am very restless ... it's going to be a long night!  : (   As usual, Ken is sleeping like a baby, five minutes after his head hits the pillow.  I envy him that, but I am also glad that he is able to sleep so well.  He can't function without sleep like I can.  I will try to write for a while and then see if I can get a movie to help me unwind ... maybe some wine too? 

Ken and I are going sailing tomorrow.  We have finally found a babysitter -- yeah!  It will be good to have some time alone together.  It's supposed to be a nice day out too.  : )  Have a wonderful weekend yourself!


P.S.  I think I'm gonna have to look for another Secret Garden ... this one is starting to act sluggish when I make entries now?  Only one problem ... can't seem to find one?  Too many entries on politics and the like?!  Maybe I'll just start another blog all together?

Found one ... hint:  look for something to do with plants, flowers, etc. ... (I'm not very good at making up clues, am I?)...

8/18/2012   This last fight scared me.  I see the devil of his father in Ken when he gets angry.  I can't share his father's story here, but I know that it haunts Ken.  He doesn't want to be his father, in any way, shape or form, and I have never feared that from Ken until tonight.  Some of my choices suddenly don't seem quite so clear.  What I saw and felt tonight scared the Hell out me, even if I'll try to pretend it didn't ... doesn't.  I think I will go and talk to a counselor even if Ken doesn't want to go as a couple.  Maybe tonight scared him too and he will go now?

8/19/2012  As for Ken going to marriage counseling ... (w.r.t. my previous attempts to go here)... You don't understand.  He says if we go my issues w.r.t. to my past will have to come up because that is so much a part of who I am and he knows and simply says, "You don't want to go there."  And I don't.  I can't.  I can hardly talk to a therapist one on one, one that I trust.  So we won't be going to any marriage counseling as couple, likely, anytime soon.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Exclusive Moms Club?

I love being a mom. It has added so many new dimensions to my life: dimensions that I never could have imagined were possible before becoming a mom. That being said, however, I feel as if there is some exclusive "Mom's Club" to which I will never belong.

Being a mom is wonderful and I love my kids more than life itself, but I fight daily not to let motherhood consume me. I just can't embrace the whole "I'm a mother and that, in and of itself, completes me" thing. And so, being a mom has been a very isolating experience for me.

I'm very unconventional to begin with and my take on motherhood is no different. I've yet to find a "Mom" crowd that I fit in with/feel comfortable with. Of course, being an electrical engineer, a bit of a free spirit and going out of my way to avoid labels of any sort doesn't endear me to women, in general, in the first place. Sometimes it seems as if I have very little in common with other women:  I hate to cook! I hate to shop! Going to the mall is worse, for me, than going to the dentist. And keeping my house immaculate is simply impractical and very low on my priority list of things to do. I also despise gossip and probably, subconsciously, those who engage in it. At one point, I had hoped that motherhood would be the ticket for me to make connections with other women ... other moms, but now that I'm actually here that doesn't seem to be the case.

Motherhood is kind of like an unscripted adventure for me.  Sometimes, it scares the hell the out me to think that I am helping to shape another life.  I worry sometimes that I'll really screw up in some major way and not even realize it until the damage is done?  Do all moms worry in this way, I wonder?  The latter being said, I work very hard to keep things in perspective and to enjoy the ride of motherhood.  I love children.  Children keep it real.  To see the world through their eyes is such a gift to experience ... they are so innocent, with such a unique and energized take on the world around them. They help to renew your faith in the world at large, I think.

I try to expose my children to lots of different things and to encourage them to try new things, but if they don't like something I don't push them to continue. I'll never force them to take dance or piano or horseback riding lessons --unless they want to do so-- just because it is an expected thing for a 'successful' child to do.  I just want my kids to find out who they are ... what their gifts and talents are and  then to encourage them to pursue what they love. I support my daughters 100% in their choices, back them up by action (not just words), and just love them for who they are.

Sometimes, I wish women could be more like guys. Guys don't have to get so personal (and competitive) in order to hang out and be friends. They pretty much take each other at face value. Why can't women do that? At this point in my life, I guess I just won't have other women/mom friends. I'm just too busy and maybe they are too? Maybe it's not just me: maybe women who are moms not having other women friends is just a sign of a larger social change that we are undergoing as a society? My only regret is that I can't model for my children how to have a friend. Is it a coincidence that none of my children have really close friends either? Perhaps close friends is something that comes with age and maturity?

I do have lifelong friends, despite moving every 1-3 years and attending 13 different primary schools as a child.  Most of these friends are from high school and college, but they all live in other cities, states, and countries. So they aren't part of my daily life and interactions. And most of my friends from college -- being an engineering student -- were guys, so those friendships sort of ended/faded ... and rightly so, I guess ... when I became a married woman.

Not to worry though, life goes on right? Just feels good to vent. Life is pretty full, and full-fulling, for me right now. I have so much to be thankful for and that will just have to be enough for now. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Gardening Photos: Some of my favorites and more ...

All photos in this entry taken by yours truly : )

I love this photo!  It reminds me of the perfect little cottage ... like the ones in fairytales ... nestled in a quiet wooded grove ... so peaceful! Just lovely ...

Being out amongst nature reminds me not be so serious ... to take off my shoes, run barefoot and breathe amidst the wonderful sweet whimsy all around me...

Wonderful fractals, fractals, fractals abound ...

Harmony ...

Live in the moment ...

Flowers of Wisdom ...

Some of my favorite Albert Einstein quotes:

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

"Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools."

"The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."

"The faster you go, the shorter you are."

"The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge."

~ Albert Einstein

Other Authors to be added ...

Albert Einstein would be at the top of my list for people who are no longer with us -- as we once knew them, anyway -- that I would love to meet!  Having read some of some more of Lord Byron's poems, I think that I would like to meet him too.  I think that I would also like to meet Mahatma Ghandi ...

"As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it."

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

"I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it. I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one even at the cost of your life."

~Mahatma Gandhi

Right off the top of my head, I would also like to meet -- in no particular order -- Wolfgang Amadeus Motzart, Galileo, Madame Currie, Elizabeth Blackwell, Amelia Earhart, and Nikola Tesla.

What about you?  Who would you most like to meet?

A Rose By Any Other Name ...

Did you know that flowers have specific meanings?  Even the color of the type of flower that you choose to give has a specific meaning?  Many don't realize this.  Here is a list for roses by type and color (for more inclusive list of All flowers ):

All information here courtesy of   'The Flower Expert' --  ( Click here to see this list with images )

Red Roses: A red rose is an unmistakable expression of love. Red Roses convey deep emotions - be it love, longing or desire. Red Roses can also be used to convey respect, admiration or devotion. A deep red rose can be used to convey heartfelt regret and sorrow. The number of red roses has special romantic meanings associated with them. 12 red roses is the most popular of all which conveys "Be mine" and "I love you".

White Roses: White is the color of purity, chastity and innocence. White flowers are generally associated with new beginnings and make an ideal accompaniment to a first-time bride walking down the isle. White flowers can be used to convey sympathy or humility. They also are indicative of spirituality. Hence, White roses also follow suit.

Yellow Roses: Yellow roses are an expression of exuberance. Yellow roses evoke sunny feelings of joy, warmth and welcome. They are symbols of friendship and caring. The yellow rose, like the other roses, does not carry an undertone of romance. It indicates purely platonic emotions.

Pink Roses: There are a lot of variations of the pink rose. Over all, pink roses are used to convey gentle emotions such as admiration, joy and gratitude. Light pink rose blooms are indicative of sweetness and innocence. Deep pink rose blooms convey deep gratitude and appreciation. Pink roses also connote elegance and grace.

Orange Roses: While a yellow rose reminds us of the sun, an orange rose reminds us of a fiery blaze. These fiery blooms signify passion and energy. Orange roses can be used to express intense desire, pride and fervor. They also convey a sense of fascination. These flowers rival only the red roses as messengers of passion in romance.

Lavender Roses: A Lavender rose like its color conveys enchantment. It also expresses "love at first sight" . Darker shades of lavender roses (close to purple) convey a sense of regal majesty and splendor. These roses are used to express fascination and adoration.

Blue Roses: A perfectly blue rose is still elusive like the perfectly black rose. Blue roses cannot be achieved naturally so they represent the unattainable or the mysterious. Blue roses therefore embody the desire for the unattainable. They say "I can't have you but I can't stop thinking about you".

Green roses: Green is the color of harmony, of opulence, of fertility. It is also a color indicative of peace and tranquility. Green roses (these are off-white roses with shades of green) can symbolize best wishes for a prosperous new life or wishes for recovery of good health

Black Roses: Black is the color of death and farewell. A black rose, like the blue rose remains elusive. What we know as black roses are actually really dark red roses. Black roses convey the death of a feeling or idea. Sending black roses to someone indicates the death of the relationship.

Mixed Roses: By mixing rose blooms of different colors purposefully, you can create a bouquet of emotions. For example, a bouquet of red and white roses would mean “I love you intensely and my intentions are honourable”. A random mix of roses would convey mixed feelings or send a message: "I don't know what my feelings are yet but I sure do like you enough to send you roses."

Rose Flower Meanings based on Rose Variety:

Moss Rosebud Confession of love

Thorn-less Rose Love at first sight, early attachment

Leaf Rose “You may hope”

Hibiscus Rose Delicate Beauty

Burgundy Rose Unconscious Beauty

Christmas Rose Relieve my anxiety

Dog rose Pleasure; Pain

Damask Rose Freshness, Persian ambassador of Love

Garden Rose “I am from Mars”

Tea Rose “I will remember – Always”

Rose of Sharon Consumed by Love

Carmine Rose Deceitful Desire (not true to color)

Cardinal Red Rose Sublime Desire

Amaranth Red Rose Long standing Desire

Wild Rose Simplicity

Musk Rose Capricious Beauty

Rosa mundi Variety

A withered white rose symbolizes death or loss of innocence and a faded rose indicates beauty is fleeting.

Rose Flower Meanings based on Number:

A single rose says a lot and a lot more distinctly.  Here's what it what it says in different colors:

•A single red rose says: “I love you”
•A single white rose says: “My feelings are pure”
•A single yellow rose says: “You bring joy to my life” “Let’s be friends”
•A single pink rose says: “I like you”
•A single orange rose says: “I am proud of you”
•A single peach rose says: “Thank you” “I sympathize with you”
•A single lavender rose says: “I am enchanted by you”
•A single blue rose says: “You seem like an unattainable dream”

A crown of roses indicates reward of virtue, a bouquet of roses in full bloom indicates gratitude and rose in a tuft of grass indicates there is everything to be gained by good company.

The number symbolism in case of Roses is especially associated with red roses and by that association romantic involvement. So when you send a bunch of red roses or receive it… count the blooms and read below what the numbers are saying:

o  A single Red Rose – “I Love you” “You are the one for me”
         “I Love you” “You are the one for me” Single Red Rose
o “Let us be together” Two Red Roses
o “You and me and our love for company” Three Red Roses
o  "I am half-way in love with you” Half Dozen Red Roses
o  “Be mine” Twelve Red Roses
o  "I am yours" Two Dozen Red Roses
o “My love for you is limitless” Fifty Red Roses

Twenty-five red roses are traditionally used to say “Congratulations”. However, now that you have some idea of color symbolism in roses you may creatively substitute another color to further enliven the message.

VIP: If you accept the rose with your right hand, it conveys that you are in agreement with the other person and your affirmation. If you do so with the left hand, it shows your disagreement.

So think about the meaning that is being conveyed the next time you send (or receive ... hint: accept them with your right hand!)  flowers.  : )

Myself, I just received a bouquet of yellow lillies ... meaning that the bestower wishes happiness for me ...

I wonder ... even if people are not consciously aware of the choices that they make when selecting flowers, if the subconscious does really know what its doing?  I mean, when you read through the different meanings of each of the types of flowers, and the color choices therein, there is some emotional basis for the conventions named.  Isn't there? 

For instance, I've always associated the color yellow with happiness.  That red stands for passion is pretty much a given, but when you think about the color orange ... the color of some of the most fantastic and spectacularly beautiful sunsets that in turn evoke emotions and passion ... that the color orange also symbolizes passion makes sense.  Doesn't it? 

And Blue ... I've always loved the color periwinkle ... it's not a very common color for flowers ... maybe that's why I've always liked it?  Blue for roses, is not found in nature, so that the blue rose symbolizes the unattainable makes sense to me.  I've never even seen a blue rose.  They must be ethereal to behold? Oh well ... some food for thought ... and it made me smile : ) while pondering the subject .... peace to you ...

[Bad Insomnia -- had a bit more time to ponder ... (written on my laptop and then uploaded ... late a night, so it may be a bit incoherent?) ...]

For Roses and Color in general: 
White - symbolizes purity and innocence ... pretty much a no-brainer.
Pink - conveys feelings of admiration ... something to give a mother, teacher, mentor.
Yellow - in addition to joy, can convey intent of well wishes, friendship and caring
Green - conveys fertility ... like Mother Nature
Lavender - conveys enchantment ... okay, that one is not as readily discernable.

And of course, Black -- which is actually a dark, dark red rose -- conveys feelings of death or loss.
A bouquet of mixed color roses can send mixed messages or show the ambiguity of the sender?


Now the different varieties of flowers, beyond roses, are a bit less intuitive I'll admit. Take the Carnation for example ... they're cheap and readily available, but watch out!  In general the carnation symbolizes pride and beauty. A red carnation symbolizes love, pride and admiration; a pink carnation symbolizes the love of a woman or a mother; a purple carnation symbolizes capriciousness; a yellow carnation symbolizes disdain, rejection or disappointment; while a white carnation symbolizes innocence and pure love. A striped carnation conveys refusal or rejection! (Didn't know that last one?! Won't be using those in any of my hand made arrangements anytime soon!)  And here the usually joyful yellow symbolizes disdain and rejection? Yellow in the Chrysanthemum symbolizes slighted love. So be wary of using yellow in some instances, I guess?

~Cala Lily

Cala Lilies to me are boring, but I did use them in my wedding bouquet?  Good in that instance, and the Cala Lily is prettier ... more elegant ... than other varieties, in my humble opinion. They symbolizes magnificence and beauty. White Calla lilies combine these two attributes, with purity and innocence associated with the color white to make it the perfect choice of flower in a Wedding bouquet. Personally, I find most lilies somewhat boring, but I won't tell that to the bestower of my recent bouquet. Shhhh!  Don't tell!  : )


I've committed a faux pas on this next one (maybe?): Hydrangea -symbolizes heartfelt emotions. It can be used to express gratitude for being understood. In its negative sense hydrangea symbolizes frigidity and heartlessness. I gave my mother a live plant of hydrangeas for Mother's Day one year, but I recall that they were pink. So maybe that makes my gift of Hydrangea okay?


I've always loved Gardenias. They smell just divine ... makes me think of heaven or what heaven might smell like. Gardenia - symbolizes purity and sweetness. They indicate secret love -- did not know this? They convey joy. They tell the receiver you are lovely.


One of my favorite flowers is the Gladiolus. They are so long and elegant ... majestic. Guess, I picked a good flower to love? Gladiolus -symbolizes strength of character, faithfulness and honor. The Gladiolus flower signifies remembrance.


Another elegant flower is the Amaryllis -This flower is symbolic of splendid beauty. It is also used to indicate worth beyond beauty.

~Dendrobium Orchid

Another flower which sybolizes beauty and also feminity is the orchid -- now this one makes sense to me. Orchid - is a symbol of the exotic beauty. It symbolizes refinement, thoughtfulness and mature charm. It also symbolizes proud and glorious femininity.

Here are two flowers, with meanings that I never would have guessed -- my subconscious intuition theory fails miserably here, no?

1) Daffodil -symbolizes regard and chivalry. It is indicative of rebirth, new beginnings and eternal life. It also symbolizes unrequited love. A single daffodil foretells a misfortune, while a bunch of daffodils indicate joy and happiness;

and 2) Chrysanthemum -symbolizes fidelity, optimism, joy and long life. A red chrysanthemum conveys love; a white chrysanthemum symbolizes truth and loyal love, while a yellow chrysanthemum symbolizes slighted love.

Lastly we have some staples whose meanings make sense to me:

Alstroemeria -flower is symbolic of wealth, prosperity and fortune. It is also the flower of friendship.

Daisy symbolizes innocence and purity. It conveys loyal love and “I will never tell”. Gerbera Daisy specifically conveys cheerfulness.

Well enough flower gazing and pondering.  This wondering is actually making me sleepy? [ DOUBLE YAWN!]  Hopefully, I haven't frightened you away from the notion of ever sending flowers altogether, now? Have I ?

If it's any consolation: most people haven't the slightest idea, nor the inclination, to think on any of this ... but it is FUN to think, isn't it? ... to wonder if there are hidden meanings that our subconscious is trying to convey in the giving and receiving of these beautifully intricate gifts of nature

Sweet dreams!   I'm off to try to sleep ... if I'm lucky enough to dream, it will probably be about flowers ... : )

11/4/2009 I almost forgot one of MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE flowers:  the wild Poppy.  It is not a hot house flower and hence eluded inclusion in the above discussion.  While browsing through art paintings during lunch today, I was reminded of the beautifully wild Poppy flower by the painter, Thomas Cooper Gotch. 

'The Message', By Thomas Cooper Gotch

'Death the Bride', By Thomas Cooper Gotch
(images courtesy of

I remember running through grassy fields just filled with these majestically wild flowers in Northern California ... and I distinctly remember having to resist the urge to pick a bouquet of these beauties (they are the State Flower of California, hence it is a crime to pick Poppies) ... I must confess, however, that being young (9-10) and wild at heart, that I did, from time to time, pick a few.  : )  Anyway, heartfelt thanks for a reminder of this lovely flower, Mr. Thomas Cooper Gotch -- and ArtMagick!

'The Garden of Adonis - Amoretta and Time', By John Dixon Batten
Image courtesy of

9/27/09 1:00 a.m. or thereabouts ... Looks like I found a new Secret Garden after all ...

And that makes me incredibly happy!  : )  I don't know what I would do without a Secret Garden these days?!  This garden is what keeps me sane and allows me moments of freedom and happiness.  Closest I'll be getting to wings ...  for awhile at least ...

Joyful day to you!


P.S. Something to ponder, as I sip my wine and try my best to unwind ... What would I do, if I had wings?

9/28/09  Someone is making dark posts on under the name 'Lillies Roses' that might speak to things that I've written about as of late.  I  just want to let anyone who might be concerned about me know that:  IT'S NOT ME!  I am not whispering for help ... nor am I plauged by demons.  I am an extremely strong and highly flexible individual ... and I have a very strong belief in a higher power ... Creator ...God. I'm also my own best advocate and I'm now seeing a therapist for some unbiased input and perspective.  I have no plans to embrace death -- even though I wrote a poem about death -- or to leave this world -- of my own will, anyway -- at this particular moment in time.  I have fought too damn hard to get to where I'm at right now, and I'm NOT giving up!

There are a lot of references to Shakespeare's Ophelia in many of these albums.  While there might (?) be a vauge physical resemblance in some of the paintings:  the similarity ends there.   Ophelia was a tragic character who could not deal with the circumstances of her unrequited love and other things that are implied to have happened to her ... her response to her inability to cope was to go mad ... and possibly commit suicide.  I'm not mad ... at least I don't think that I am ... my therapist doesn't either ... and as I've already said:  I've no plans to commit suicide or to hurt myself in any majorly damaging way.

'Ophelia', By Antoine-Auguste Ernest Hebert
Image Courtesy of

So hopefully, I've set your mind at ease ... that is if you were concerned at all to begin with ... I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

New subject:  sailing yesterday was nice.  It was a gorgeous day and there was one heck of a wind heading out ... just perfect for sailing.  The wind died out a bit coming back, but we still made good progress. It's surprising how cold it gets out on that water, even on a warm sunny day?!  Nothing that an extra sweater, jacket, and a blanket couldn't fix though.  If I had to do it over:  I wouldn't have worn my flip-flops.  My feet were blue not 20 minutes out -- live an learn : ! ... just hard to cram my feet back into closed-toed shoes after being so gloriously freed all summer long.  : ) 

The day wasn't as bonding, nor healing, to Ken and my relationship as I had hoped, but it was nice to spend time alone together ... to have the opportunity to put each other first.  Guess healing of us will just take time?

We had a wonderful late lunch at my favorite restaurant:  Ivar's.  Then we walked through the famed Seattle sculpture park -- think it's called the 'Elliot Bay Sculpture Park' -- before heading back home.  So all in all, it was a nice day.  Hope you had a wonderful weekend too.



9/28/09 late, late p.m. ... early a.m.?

While Ken and I did not quite connect the way that I had hoped that we would, while sailing this past Sunday: the act of sailing, itself, was an uplifting experience. I can see why Ken enjoys it so much.

[Not boat we were on.  I didn't bring my camera.  Wanted to focus on enjoying the ride and being with Ken.  Nor do we, yet, own a boat of our own.  Someday...]

Riding on a sleek 70 ft. keel boat, sitting right on the deck at the front of the boat under the jibe -- foremost sail -- as the boat cut effortlessly through the brisk and choppy waters of the Puget Sound, propelled by a fierce wind, was about the closest that I've come to flying in a very long time. To be right at the front of the boat as it glided through the water at an impressive 'clip', with the sea spraying cool mists of water -- 'sea kisses' : ) -- upon me periodically, while I clung to the deck with my feet, legs, and occasionally a hand to boot [boat 'keeled' to an angle that I swear was greater than 72 degrees, due to high winds], I felt as if I was actually a part of the magnificent vessel upon which I sat. It was truly an amazing feeling! The view of the Olympic mountains, islands, other boats, and the Seattle skyline were an added bonus and a truly spectacular backdrop.

I could get used to idea of sailing on a regular basis. Who knows, maybe sailing will end up being something that helps to bring Ken and I closer together once again. Right now, it still seems as if there is an ocean between us, but the distance is slowly closing ...

9/29/09    Thoughts as I try to wake up, focus, and start my day... I'm looking at the Thomas Barbey photo that I posted in my regular blog entry and going over conversations that I've had with friends recently on the subject of religion and a belief in God.

I think: How small and utterly insignificant WE are in the big picture of things!

I wonder: Why does there seem to be such a sharp distinction between those that believe in a God ... a Creator Being and those that are looking within for a higher power? Two polarizing extremes and not much middle ground these days?

I think: How much the focus of our society seems to have turned away from community and a belief in a Creator Being ...

'O Duomo Mio', Photo By Thomas Barbey

There seems to exist, in 'enlightened circles', a belief in a Higher power ... but a shift away from a Creator being to more of a Higher Power energy that we mere mortals can ourselves channel, 'if we only look within?' Something doesn't seem quite right about that? Have to think some more on this, but I have a strong sense that people are perhaps being deceived?

I also wonder ... why is the Creator, God ... allowing me to be so utterly overwhelmed with feelings and emotions these days?  The input from EVERYTHING around me is so extremely intense ... it's almost overwhelming?!  And it makes me feel even further separated from those around me (like my husband, Ken) because they just can't even begin to comprehend what I'm feeling ... experiencing ... and where I'm coming from ...

Michael Buble says it best in his song, 'Home'"and though I'm surround by a million people, I still feel so all alone ... I want to go home ... just let me go home."  I don't know where my Home is anymore, but I so would like to go there ...

Song:  'Home', By Michael Buble

Working out always help me to think clearer (If you don't exercise regularly you should!).  As I was working out today, I reflected on what I meant by wanting to go 'Home'.  I think that what I meant was simply that I long to make a spiritual connection with a person, maybe a place(?), or just something that makes my spirit feel acknowledged and at peace:  at home ...

'The Valkyrie's Vigil', Edward Robert Hughes
Image Courtesy of

for 9/30/09

I'm supposed to reflect on things that make me (as Michelle, not as mom or wife ... goes without saying that my kids are at the top of my list!)  truly happy. So here goes ... Wonder if my choices have to be concrete objects? Is abstract okay? Oh, well ... here goes...

My Top 10 Favorite Things:

Peace in my heart ... and in the world around me...

Love ... giving it, sending it out into the world, and having it come back my way from time to time ...

Witnessing JOY on the face of others ... or hearing it in their voice...

Hugs! (Thanks to my wonderful children: I get at least of 50 these each day : )

Wings! Things that fly ... like butterflies ... airplanes ... things that make me feel as if I can fly ... like cycling, sailing, and being with the one you love...

Being surrounded by nature ... especially near water ... especially near the ocean... water is healing to the soul... I love the sound of water in motion...

Music that transports me to another place... a place to escape ... to be safe and free...

Books ... books and more books ... I absolutely LOVE to read! I especially love books that I can easily lose myself in and escape to strange and foreign lands (places and ideas)...

The act of creating ... something ... anything ... whether its lacing words together, stringing beads, sketching wildlife, capturing a breathtaking moment on film, making dinner or making noise on a musical instrument.

Running barefoot through the cool grass or along a sandy beach ... figuratively and literally...

Assignment done. Check, check and check ... moving on...

Thoughts as I start my day ...

Is less really more?

Do actions truly speak louder than words?

Is having a 5 yr. battery put into my watch being lazy, practical, or bordering on optomistic?

How is it that I can drain a 5 yr. battery in under a year?  All batteries for that matter come to think on it?  Batteries just never seem to last half as long as they are supposed to, for me?

I would love to brew a pot of coffee and have just a few sips ... I don't know if I have the will power to resist today? [ I did resist ... only took about 10 cups of tea to satisfy my craving!  : ) I need to buy stock in tea ...]

The kids are home from school:  have snack and are unwinding with what's left of their TV time for the day.  Hard day (for me) today ... guess there are bound to be good ones and bad ones?  Lauren  (11 yrs.) wound up being home with a stomach virus.  Hopefully, she will be the only one!  I can handle lots of things ... never been good with other people's stomach problems ...

Needless to say, my plans for today had to be altered, but such is life.  Anyway, fun to spend time on one with Lauren she is so opinionated ... neat to see the way her mind works.  Conversation about politics:  Lauren says "It's frustrating being a Republican living up here!  People just don't want to listen to what I have say.  I'm surrounded by liberals and you just can't reason with ANY of them?!"  I advise her that now may be a good time to work on her listening skills.  Good advice?

Bethany (9 yrs.) can now play "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" on her violin.  She's so dedicated to practicing -- hope that lasts!

Erynn Jeanne (8 yrs.) is a prolific little book writer.  She loves to write and illustrate ... inspired by me and my book, I guess?  Now, if I could only get her to read!  She has no patience for reading.  She's a good reader ... great vocabulary and speller ... just hard for her to sit still and find something that she enjoys reading.   We have a HUGE library of kid books.  The equivalent of three medium sized bookshelfs -- Lauren has always been an avid reader.  Maybe Erynn's tastes are just different ... but we're working on it.

So my planet is still spinning ... the kids really help in that respect.  I'll get in to talk to someone soon.  Just struggling with not loosing myself and finding a balance between pleasing others and feeling selfish.  Guess that's what hot baths at the end of long days are for ...

10/1/01  1:46 a.m.     ENOUGH?!

My sister and my mother say I spend too much time on the computer.  They say:  "Not healthy!"  Today, I realize -- despite not seeing a therapist this day-- that they might be right ... to some extent.   Maybe, I'm talking to  my computer ... my blog ... because, it can't talk back or question the things that I say ... the things I feel inside.  I have absolute control over both sides of the conversation, don't I?  And it's easier to talk to my computer, because it listens to me ... truly listens ... and it doesn't hurt me.

I guess on some level, I'm afraid that if I say what I really need to say to Ken that that will be the end of everything ... if I don't just shut up and take it ... I'll mess everything up ... and I'll be alone again.  Whether or not those fears are unfounded ... I guess, that I will never know until I stop typing and start talking.  Right?

And I'm scared ... I'm scared to death ... but I'm already dying on the inside anyway ... how much worse can it get?  I may wind up alone, but if that is what has to happen in order to stop me dying on the inside -- which will eventually result in my physical death ... I'm certain ... -- and give me a fighting chance of salvaging some sort of real life ... then, I guess that I've got to face the music ...

So on that note:  farewell ... thanks for listening ... and for all of the good intentions and offers for prayers that I have received.  They are truly heartfelt and sincerely appreciated:  Thank you!  I'll miss you, but I'm going to try to log off and to fully embrace my life once again.  Try to give my life, my kids, my family 100% once again.  I've been in idle long enough.  I gave up coffee ... guess, I can give up my computer for awhile?

So long ... hopefully, when you hear from me again:  I'll have made some real progress ... even if that means being alone again.

God Bless!


P.S. One last thought ...

I’ve wondered many times, since writing the ‘Hunter’s Moon’ and The ‘Sequel to the Hunter’s Moon’: why did my dream occur under the moon?

In reflecting in a quiet moment alone, late one night, while gazing up at the full moon -- October 3, 2009 just after midnight -- from the view through the skylight in our bedroom,  it suddenly dawned on me that the very moon I was gazing upon at that moment was the exact same moon that ‘my love’ (from the dream ... poem), whoever or where ever he was, would also look upon. So the moon was a way for us to be connected, even though we were, in fact, physically or spiritually apart.

For some silly reason, that realization of a connection washed a sense of peace and warmth over me. I suddenly didn’t feel so alone, nor afraid of what the future held in store for me. I guess, sometimes we truly can experience the stuff that dreams are made of … even if it lasts only for a few moments, in the quiet of the night.

So if you happen to have a free moment, late at night, perhaps you'll gaze up and behold the same moon that I will also be gazing intently upon ... and somehow while beholding the magic and beauty of the nightly sovereign, in your heart, know that I am well ...

As much as I love the moon, and seem to be a night owl, my absolute favorite time of the entire day has got to be sunset.  And the sun sets that I am privileged enough to partake in, living up here, are beyond spectacular ... they are truly breathtaking!

Sitting on the deck outside of my bedroom, on the second floor, watching the sun set, in the evening, is where I find my center and moments of true peace.  Each evening, the sun setting seems to put on a new ... completely different show; no two sun sets I've seen are ever the same.  It must have something to do with the water and the mountains? The clouds up here are so full of life ... so unique ... and the setting sun just seems to further illuminate their inate magic. 

Well, judge for yourself ... here's a glimpse into my own little piece of heaven, here on Earth.  These are successive snaps of the same sunset, taken on 10_7_09 ...

Heaven on Earth ...

Peace to you!  : )

'The Guardian', Baron Arild Rosenkrantz

New Day ...

I wrote an entire book today.  Start to finish.  I feel as if someone has pressed my fast forward button, and I can't get it to stop?!  This is a different book than the novel I've previously spoken about ... The outpouring is physically draining ...

After writing, while trying to relax and researching a beloved painting , I somehow found a secret door to some ancient wisdom.  It was the oddest coincidence?  I started reading and couldn't stop ...  A lot of what I read speaks to what I've been feeling and going through with my dreams ... my writings ... my embracing death and losing fear of dying ... but I can't tell if it is leading me down a path that I shouldn't be going?  I'm so confused ... not really scared ... but I'm shaking ... and I can't get it to stop. 

I should be able to talk to my husband about all of this, but I'm afraid that he'll take my computer away or lock me away.  After the reading of this ancient text(?), the final blow to my nerves was another posting of an Art Magick album.  [I know, I promised to log off-line ... but like the coffee ... it is a gradual process.  I have logged off significantly, just not entirely.  My efforts have paid off, because Ken and I are reconnecting ... it just hasn't been 100% yet ... the connecting or the logging off.]    Anyway, It was the 'Thoughtful, Bemused' album, again ... and I guess I was looking because ... because I don't really want to say good-bye? ... The album's new additons make me wonder, now .. 'would have had' or 'will have' ? ... I am so confused now ... the emotions are so overwhelming ... I'm crying now and I can't stop ...  I have to stop ... I have to pull myself together before Ken gets home and for the sake of the kids ... I just want to go home ...

(If the 'Thoughtful, Bemused' album is you, B.L., would you email my sister and tell her it's you ... please ... You don't have to elaborate ... just give her the message to pass to me ... and if it's not you, tell her that ... please ... this would sincerely help me to have some sort of grounding in this respect.  Right now, I feel like a yo-yo on a string?  Is that how you want me to feel?

10/15/09  The answer to this question, I already know (on a higher level ... beyond 5 senses) ... and much more ... Thank you! ...  for all of it ...  MAE).

I had a glass of wine and made some jewelry: 'inner strength' (grey pearls and coarse metal elements, with black accents) and 'protection' (Mediterranean Ocean blue, with swirls of earthy green on sterling silver).  I think that I'm getting a cold?  Maybe that was the shaking?  I feel grounded again.  I'm not going to read anymore of that text.  Something about it ... the subtle denial of the existence of evil ... seems intuitively wrong and misleading?  So I'm alright? ... Time to create dinner.

New Day ...

I prayed a lot last night.  I wore three crosses to bed and took sleeping pills to sleep.  I needed some mental and emotional downtime ...

I have prayed extensively since the earlier writing (above) for guidance and protection ... and I do feel God holding me up, surrounding me and protecting me.  I think that regardless of what happens to me in the physical world, I now know that my home ... the one that I have been so desperately seeking as of late ..  is with God ...  and He's always been right here with me ... He will continue to be here for me. 

I feel like Dorthy, from the 'Wizard of OZ', who has just finally realized something that she always really knew anyway.  I've clicked my heels, three times, and I'm home now.  I feel safe again.  And Ken and I have talked ... extensively ... we've a lot more talking to do, but I feel as if we're making progress ... I finally said the things that I had been too afraid to say to Ken, and what do you know:  my world didn't fall completely apart ... like I had feared that it would ...

Some beautiful thoughts to share before I close:
Beautiful quotes from a beautiful art album on ArtMagick, created by 'Abinsolitude':

"We are like children... who stand in need of masters to enlighten us and direct us; and God has provided for this, by appointing his angels to be our teachers and guides." ~ Saint Thomas Aquinas

'Protective Angels', By Harold Hitchcock

"To love for the sake of being loved is HUMAN ... but to love for the sake of loving is ANGELIC" ~ Alphonse Marie de Lamartine

'Winged Figure', By Abbott Handerson Thayer

"[Angels] guide us to become spiritual people for the pleasure of it ... because the spiritual life itself has a great deal of beauty and real satisfaction... even pleasure.  And this is what the soul needs..."  ~Thomas Moore

'Motherhood', By Gaetano Previati

Angel images courtesy of Thank you!

10/11/2009  Sunday ....

A movie that is a MUST SEE in our 'drug for everything that ails' you culture is the 2003 movie 'Equilibrium', with Christian Bale. The basic plot of the movie is (from

" Plot Summary for Equilibrium (2002) More at IMDbPro »

In a futuristic world, a strict regime has eliminated war by suppressing emotions: books, art and music are strictly forbidden and feeling is a crime punishable by death. Cleric John Preston (Bale) is a top ranking government agent responsible for destroying those who resist the rules. When he misses a dose of Prozium, a mind-altering drug that hinders emotion, Preston, who has been trained to enforce the strict laws of the new regime, suddenly becomes the only person capable of overthrowing it. Written by Anonymous

At the end of World War III, the world fell under the control of Father and the Tetragrammaton: a government that outlaws all forms of art and emotion. Citizens are forced to take drugs that eliminate emotions. However, "Sense Offenders": citizens who resist the laws and operate underground are continually at war with the Tetragrammaton. John Preston is a Cleric, an elite super-soldier who's mission is to hunt down and eliminate Sense Offenders with the help of a ruthless police force. One day, Preston accidentally breaks his morning dose of emotion suppressant drug and begins to feel. Soon, he begins sympathizing with the Sense Offenders and begins to understand the beauty of feeling... A beauty that the government, in which Preston spent his life serving, would like to see destroyed. Written by redcommander27

In the future, after the Third World War, the world is ruled by a totalitarian and fascist society with the leadership of 'The Father'. Arts, music, books, luxury and feelings are not acceptable, and persons uses a drug called 'Prozium' in a daily basis to repress their feelings and feel happy. The opponents to this new world are called offenders and they form the underground resistance to the system, who are destroyed by very-well trained and powerful agents called 'The Clericks'. John Preston is one of this agents, and his life changes when he misses his daily dose of 'Prozium'. Written by Claudio Carvalho, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil "

While this movie is a bit extreme, it does touch upon a point that seems to be a dominant theme in our culture today: If you FEEL anything, especially emotion, you must be in need of some sort of drug to combat it. Anti-depressants, Anti-Anxiety, Sleeping pills, etc. And I'm sure that there are plethora of other types of drugs that I've failed to mention. It's like our society is buying into my family mantra: 'see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.' All you have to do is to pop a pill and go along for the ride? How sad is that?!

Why talk to your partner about the decaying state of your marriage, when you can simply swallow a pill and forget about all your worries.

Why take a long overdue vacation and change your perspective, when you can just pop a pill -- irony is, that if you actually took the beaucoup bucks that you would spend on these pricey wonder drugs, the vacation probably ends up being cheaper and more recuperative than the pills?!

Why make a career change, or get some additional training, when you can just pop a pill and maintain the status quo?!

Argghhh! Having to deal with all of these pill-poppers who incessantly pigeonhole, and categorize, me in an effort to get me to jump on the 'Prozac' band wagon is driving me nuts?! It works for them? So why won't it work for me? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD WHILE I'M ALIVE!

I have REAL ISSUES that need to be dealt with! I don't need to pop a pill(s), so that I can sweep them back under the rug to fester, while I continue on with the status quo! I'm seeing a therapist and the therapist DOES NOT think that I NEED ANY MEDICATION. I repeat: I'm seeing a therapist and the therapist DOES NOT think that I NEED ANY MEDICATION.

To my family: please see this movie, 'Equilibrium'! I don't judge any of you for your decision to take medications; all I'm asking in return, is that you NOT JUDGE me for NOT taking medication -- AND STOP HARASSING ME!

Got that off my chest -- even if my family probably won't actually see what I've written ... have to work up the courage to email this to them? ... can't say it directly to them, because they just tune me out ... maybe it's their medication?

I am actually in a GOOD mood today! Honestly!  We made it to church, as an entire family unit, this morning, without any major fights, fussing, whining or complaining. I didn't have to nag once and miraculously, everyone woke up -- by some divine intervention? -- all on their own and in relatively good spirits. We celebrated after mass by going out to brunch on the marina, and it is a glorious sunny day out to boot. : ) So it has been a good day so far.

Thought about what I've been going through these past few weeks+++ during mass. In looking back ... and with the events at the end of last week in mind ... I do feel as if I have been ... am being... tempted by evil. As I've said before, I do believe in the very real existence of evil and maybe now that I'm stronger and awake: I'm more a threat to the forces of darkness? I really feel as if -- especially at the end of last week -- I am being attacked by evil. I was scared, but I have faith that God will protect me and lead me through this valley of darkness unharmed. God hasn't let me down before; so I'm keeping my faith.

As I've said before. I am wondering a lot these days, but I am not wandering. I have NEVER -- from the earliest age that I can remember -- been one to follow ... to be easily led ... I need to think for myself ... to feel ... to experience things ... and then, I draw my own conclusions. That's what I'm doing right now. It's a journey; Sometimes, I wish it would happen overnight, but that's just not being realistic -- not without more denial and heavy medication, anyway.

I am still working through what 'marital fidelity' now means to me ... but I have hope ... faith ... that I will find my way to a good place. I do love my husband. He is good man, and with a little bit of effort on both our parts, I am hopeful that we can both be happy in our marriage once again. I also think -- and I've thought about this alot last night and today -- that it IS POSSIBLE to love someone with your heart, for the SOLE purpose of loving them ... NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN. LOVE doesn't have to be a PHYSICAL THING -- that being said, however: FOR ME LOVE DOES HAVE TO BE A PHYSICAL & SPIRITUAL THING WITH THE ONE THAT I AM MARRIED TO. Well, maybe not all people are capable of the former: LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE ... but I think that I am. I've tried to just turn off my love for B.L. ... and for whatever reasons, I just can't seem to do it. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that there ever could be any sort of future for us, but I am continuing to pray for B.L., for his happiness, health, prosperity and joy. I am praying for his beautiful family too. I truly want only the best for him and for those that he loves.

So that's where I'm at ...  Hanging in there! ... It is a glorious day outside, today! Time to go outside and enjoy the day and spending time with my beautiful family. Joyful day to you and yours!

God Bless!


Song:'So Far Away', By Staind

10/12/09  Regarding the ancient wisdom text.  A friend of mine, that I trust, has been reading the text since I gave him the link.  I had to have someone else SEE it, in order to make it REAL ... that is, to not seem as if I had imagined it.  My friend it seems has a different take than my initial reaction?  I was fascinated by what I read ... so much so, that I could not STOP reading.  What I read was not evil, in and of itself ... in fact, it was very enlightening and spoke to A LOT of things that I have come to realize over the course of the past year ... truths that I saw (while reading) others before me had also come to know and put down into words that I could wrap my awakened mind around.  Anyway, please pray for me to make the right decisions regarding this text and its ancient wisdom.  I hesitate to give the link out to anyone else ... just in case there is something not quite right.  I don't want to lead others down a path that might not be right.  If you want the link, let me know and I'll give it out on a case by case basis.

The only thing that freaks me out a little is that this text seemed to have been deliberately put in a place where I would be sure to find it?  My sixth sense strongly tells me that my finding this ancient wisdom was no accident.  I am not sure what, if anything, this means?

10/13/09 Transformation ... realized ...

(Next three images courtesy of
'Take the Fair Face of Woman', Sophie Anderson

But the fairy is no fairy no more ... she has embraced death and risen from her chrysallis a new ...

'The Alcolade', Edmund Blair Leighton

Her wings are now inner power and strength ... She will cower no more. She is still Love and will always be... Confusion, however, is a concept that she will no longer embrace ... It has been cast away ...


'Lux in Tenebris', Evelyn Pickering DeMorgan

Casting away confusion has still left me with a profound sense of peace even days later (was afraid it would fade, but it hasn't) ... and a way of seeing things so clearly now ... I also am aware of things which are beyond the ability of my 5 basic senses to grasp and understand. Things too personal to share right now, but know that I am in a good place.

One thing that I would like to share with you, however, is the realization that true enlightenment is so much more than mental awakening and knowing ... it is more than the ability to digest and comprehend the wisdom of others ... it is an awakening of the spirit to a sense of true peace and of knowing without having to look externally for answers.  The Creator IS within each of us and He has ALL of the answers.

Peace to you.  Embrace your day with a joyful heart.


10/18/09  Confusion has been cast away, it's true ... but something in my nature, I'm afraid, will always have me wondering ... pondering the what if's of one topic or another ...

Today's topic?  Can men and women truly be  just friends? ... This has always been a hot-button issue with me and my husband.  I've always claimed that they could.  Ken feels the opposite, so much so that I am no longer in touch with any of my male friends from college.  Needless to say, I was really surprised when Ken said that he was alright with my having an email pen pal who just happened to male -- wonder now, if Ken was just feeling guilty? [And just to re-iterate ... these email conversations are supposed to be philosophical, per my agreement with Ken.]

So anyway, I have been corresponding with this friend via email, for the past two++ months, and lately there have been some unexpected twists:  the main one being that my pen pal now wants to talk on the phone ... harmless enough, right?  It would be nice to have a voice to put with the writings and two photos that I've seen ... or not?  Ken would NOT go for this in a million years ... I am so sure of it that I won't even risk bringing it up...  And so, I wonder ...

I finally have a sense of peace back in my life, after of months of upset and emotional turmoil. Pondering this potential phone conversation makes me feel that pursuing this notion of a phone conversation with my friend will jeopardize the peace that I have found in recent days.  I do not think that I am willing to jeopardize my sense of peace merely to satisfy my curiousity?  If my friend is truly my friend, he'll understand ... if he doesn't, then he isn't a true friend after all ...  Right?

New topic ... I'm finally getting over this flu, or whatever I had.  Fortunately, no one else got sick.  My head is still a bit cloudy though, but that's slowly fading.  Still, on Saturday afternoon while I was at Lauren's soccer game -- freezing my _ _ _ _ off!!! It was wet and a biting wind was blowing ... but I digress --- I had the strangest feeling that someone with whom I had a close connection was nearby?  I was too focused on the game, cold, and feeling lousy to investigate further, but it was truly the oddest sensation.  I wonder now, in looking back, if it was just the fogginess of my lingering cold/flu symptoms talking?  Guess, I'll never know ...

10/20/09  My pen pal, and friend, understands where I am coming from.  He is content to continue our conversations in the medium of the written word ... for now.  That makes me truly happy ... I would miss our discussions.  It is nice to have a friend who challenges my intellect and values my insights and my spirit.  Someone who is comfortable with agreeing to disagree.  As Emerson said, "The secret of a true scholar? In every man there is something wherein I may learn of him; and in that I am his pupil."

On another matter, I believe that I have uncovered the source of my feeling of 'a close connection ... nearby' at the soccer game on Saturday.  I know this sounds crazy, but the answer came to me in a dream -- which I seem to be having a lot of lately.  I've started keeping a notebook to write them all down.  Granted, I don't sleep deeply very often ... but every time that I do sleep these days, my dreams are crammed full of imagery and puzzles to solve upon awakening.  Yes, life is anything but dull these days ... at least, I still have peace ... and I don't plan on letting it slip away any time soon ... regardless of outside attempts to reintroduce confusion ...

'Evening Star', By Edward Burnes Jones (Image Courtesy of


Inner Peace still remains ... confusion has not been reintroduced ... sometimes sorrow rears its ugly head, but it is a quiet discontent that can be quickly banished with but a simple smile, a hug, or kiss from one of my beautiful children ...

Lonlieness remains, but it is all a matter of perspective, no?  Hope is ever present ... and with concentration, I can work through fleeting moments of not being able to breathe ...


I am not a coward ... nor will I cower ever again ... there have been times in my life when I have accepted the label of 'dreamer' ... although, I've always despised labels of any sort.  I think, that if I were to put a label on myself now it would be:  'realistic dreamer'.  The engineer tempers the dreamer perhaps?

There are some things, in life, which I have done too early -- not all by choice -- and others, I fear, too late. And so I remain, ever-fixed, on my present path. For, I do not have it in me to love yet again. I have given my heart away twice ... had my heart broken twice ... there is only forbearance left now ... forbearance and love for my children ... for my children to have the best life that they can. There is, however, no room for self pity or despair ... moments of joy are still to be found. Love is not necessary --nor is it necessarily gone ... it may yet rise again -- for joy to be found. A belief in oneself and an incurable spirit on a quest to experience ... to live ... to learn is all that is needed for joy to be found ... and also a belief in a sustaining, loving, and ever present Creator. An innocent child resides in my heart and she still clings madly to hope. For a time I pitied her, but now in acceptance and with inner peace ... I finally understand her.

'The Turtle Dove', By Sophie Anderson (courtesy of Art


Upsides to being sick ... My husband says to me during an earlier phone conversation "You know, you have a very sultry voice when you're sick; it's sexy. I like it!" At least he notices? Perhaps, I should aspire to be sick more often?

After having the regular flu, seems I now have the H1N1 [Note:  I was 100% healthy for the opera ... probably where I picked this up?]  It has been nearly a decade since I've been THIS sick. On the upside, I have now had both flu viruses, so they'll be behind me for my upcoming travels. Also, when the pandemic (worldwide) hits -- some day in the near future? hope not, but you never know -- I will have natural antibodies to help me survive.

My husband is a flu shot junkie. I choose -- and for my children, as well -- not to participate in that government sponsored experiment. I told my husband -- as he tormented me in my flu symptom misery and chastised me for not getting flu shots -- that "when the pandemic hit: I'll be laughing at your [his] grave side" -- not that I would actually have it in me to do that ... but it felt good to retort at the time. Then, I quickly reminded Ken of the year of Lauren's first Christmas, 1998, when he got a flu shot and was sicker than a dog -- Lauren was sick too, but not so bad -- and me, with my natural antibodies did not even have a single sniffle that year.

My eight year old daughter is home sick with me --  she seems to faring better than me.  In between coughing fits she remarks -- while observing a water tattoo on her left forearm:  "Hey Mommy, did you know that love spelled backwards is 'evil' ... E V O L?".  A rather astute observation, I think ... one that plays nicely into the law of polarity ...

P.S.  Feel compelled (for some strange reason?) to mention my 'miracle stain remover' secret:


No joke!   Honestly: it really works!  Just soak the portion of your stained item in a dish with milk for at least 20 minutes -- some deep set or tough stains may need to soak longer.  Then launder as usual; that's all there is to it.  The enzymes in the milk break down the protiens in the stain.  Note: sunlight sets stains, so try to keep the stain out of sun light --if at all possible -- until laundered.

I've used this sucessfully on blueberry, tomatoe, mustard, ketchup, chocolate and red wine.  Works for babies with reflux as well (to spell it out : spit up).  Wish someone had let me in on this when my kids were little.  Would have saved me from throwing away a lot of perfectly good outfits!  Oh, well live and learn ... maybe my wisdom will help some other poor soul.  : )

So keep some money in your $$$wallet$$$ and harmful chemicals away from yourself, your children, and the environment.  It's a WIN-WIN!   Happy washing!

10/30/2009  TRICK OR TREAT!  Halloween is just around corner!  I love Halloween ... not so much the scary evil side of it, just being able to dress up, pretend and let loose.  Good for adults to have a license to do this from time to time, no? 

Got big plans for Halloween? My girls are having a sleepover party. We LOVE Halloween. Had a huge blowout party 2 years ago, with over 200 people -- not planned that way ... just worked out that way. We had hay bails, rented tables, bounce houses, and turned the entire front yard into a haunted castle maze. Going to be awhile before we do that again $$$$, but it was fun! : ) Still Ken and I always dress up. I was going to be a Pirate 'Wench', but Lauren talked me into being a Zombie Cheerleader. Got Ken's attention ... so that's saying something. Still have my pom poms from high school dance (drill) team. I wonder, is stabbing a kitchen butcher knife into a football to carry for a prop going too far?!

Be safe whatever you do and have a BLAST!

10/31/2009  I do not claim to know anyone else ... I am just beginning to know and understand myself ...

11/2/2009  Now that I've started to put the pieces of my personal life back together: I've been allowing myself to watch a bit more news and related political commentary -- vs. just reading. I see that not much has "changed"; we're still forging ahead, hell bent on leaving an insurmountable legacy of debt for our children and our children's children. I guess Glenn Beck has started a 'Tea Party' movement in response to all of this spending without accountability: I'll have to check this out and see what they propose.

My daughter Lauren asked me a few days ago: "Am I a Republican or a Conservative?" I had to really think about my response ... there didn't used to be any difference ... Republican implied conservatism ... doesn't seem to be a given anymore?

Halloween was fun. The girls had a riot of a sleepover. Aside from staying up until 5:00 a.m. the next morning, they were all well behaved. Had lots of fun learning line dances, playing games, decorating designer wine glasses with permanent colored markers, telling scary tales and watching scary movies. Hope you and yours had a fun one too!

Me, as a Zombie Cheerleader:  SCARY FUN!

[Some of the kids' creations ... they nominated categories (e.g., spookiest, most creative, prettiest, Halloweenest, etc.) and voted when they were done decorating ... Loads of FUN! ... ]

P.S. Opted to drop the football prop (butcher knife stabbed through a football).  My kids said I looked scary enough without it.  : )  Still trying to get all of the white make-up off of me (face, arms, neck and chest).  Think I glow in the dark now?!

11/3/2009  Words of wisdom ...  a truth that speaks to where I am now ...

"...Do not cheat yourself --- to believe that anything true can die... the source of love is still within... even if the object of love seem to have flown away to other shores... when we can be true to our own love no matter if returned or even turned... than we begin to feel a power seldom known --- the soul knows alone... what the mind will never comprehend...."  written by 'Persephone' in an ArtMagick Album, 11/3/2009.

Beautifully said, Persephone.  Thank you for sharing your wisdom.  TM

In recent weeks, I seem to have discovered that 'loneliness' is a state of mind ... for when you are finally truly comfortable with just being ... alone with yourself ... as you are ... then, you are truly never alone ... hence, loneliness ceases to exist ... does it not?

11/4/2009  Today, as I'm driving and waiting at an inordinate number of annoying red lights ... my mind begins to ponder the following notion (don't ask me why ... I just go with it! : ) When was the point that you actually stopped and thought to yourself: 'Hey, I'm finally a grown-up'?

Was it a single defining moment or event? Or was it, rather, a gradual progression over a long period of time? Maybe you've never really even stopped to think about it? Was it graduating from high school and heading off to college on your own? Maybe it was graduating from college? Getting your first real job and a place of your own? Buying your first car? Perhaps, the moment that they placed your newborn child into your trembling arms?

'The Flag', By Thomas Cooper Gotch (Courtesy of

I wonder, do we really ever grow up ... honestly? I mean, some people are really brilliant at projecting a grown up image ... but I wonder what those people truly feel on the inside? Maybe we just grow older -- physically speaking -- and perhaps a little wiser along this journey called life?

And is not growing up such a bad thing? Isn't it good to stay in touch with your inner child? Wouldn't we all be more alive if we had a conversation with our inner child every once in awhile? I would bet that if we were actually willing to listen, that our inner child would say something along these lines:
"Slow down! Don't sweat the small stuff. LAUGH more ... PLAY more ... appreciate and embrace the simple WONDERFUL things standing right in front of you and stop waiting for something MORE."

Song: 'Landslide', By Stevie Nicks

11/5/2009 I love history; it's one of my favorite things to read. As I was reading about the trials of ancient peoples, heroes and heroines ... everyday people like you and me ... these thoughts came to me. As I write now, I realize that these words are applicable to all people, past and those presently struggling under inhumane conditions and cruel captors ... rulers. May God bless, protect, and inspire the former.

copyright @2009

'Hope', By George Frederic Watts (Image Courtesy of

A Truth of sAges

Hands and feet, these may be bound.

And voices can eventually be beaten into submission.

The heart, the mind and the soul, however, these remain wild and free only ever belonging just to me.

Thus empowered, know that the eye that is me will prevail.

copyright @2009

Song: 'Hope', By Rush

I'm off to lose myself in some music and a lunch time workout ... to see if I can escape and find inspiration to write once more ... lately, the words I need to find seem to be doing their very best to elude me.  I seem to have entered the Fall of my writing.  I had hoped to finish before my Winter hit, but given events in my life over the Summer ... I will have to set my hopes on Spring.  As a friend of mine often says, 'The universe works in mysterious ways...'.

11/06/2009  Do you ever OVERDO on your workouts and REALLY regret it the next day?!

Boy, did I OVERDO yesterday; every single muscle in my body is throbbing. Guess, I had a lot of aggression and frustration to work off?! But man, am I SOOOOOOOOO, SOOOOOOO sore today [I can't take any pain medications with my messed up stomach either. : ( On the upside, it gives me the opportunity to work on my mental focusing and meditation skills ... yah, right?!]!!!

If there IS any truth to 'no pain, no gain', then: I've must have surely GAINED A HECK of ALOT from yesterday. Ouch!!!!!! It's days like today, that I wish that we had a jacuzzi ... keep bugging Ken, but he isn't interested. Maybe when I finish my dang book, I'll reward myself with one. Incentive to finish, no?

Hey ... just found this article relating to workout pain:

This article says 'coffee may help to naturally reduce workout pain.' Go figure?! And I've given up coffee!!! (NOT FAIR!). Wonder if I can have just half a cup? It will probably hurt my stomach less than pain medicines, no? Just have to worry about getting hooked again? Should I risk it? I'll give the meditation one more try first. Anyway, happy day to you!

P.S. A friend of mine just emailed ... apparently, they have another suggestion for pain ... : ) 

11/7/2009  Still in PAIN at 2:00 a.m. ... I had forgotten about 'Biofreeze': a camphour-menthol blend -- with a few other herbs -- designed to relieve muscle pain.  I found a tube in the bathroom late last night (from a work related injury a while back), while searching frantically for some relief.  Biofreeze is available at most chiropractors ... don't know if it is available at drug stores?  Anyway, it soothes aching muscles with a deep penetrating, cool tingling senstation.  It REALLY helps!  Thanks to Biofreeze, I was able to sleep last night.

Going to have to find a new secret garden ... sorry, no clues this time ... this will be garden #4.  I wish that some of my friends lived closer.  Might not need a secret garden then? ... Nope ... probably still would.  I guess, when you have a hard time trusting other people: you just don't open up enough to let others in on that deeper level.  I had hoped that that would change as I got older, but it hasn't.  At this point:  I'm guessing that it never will?  Anyway, I have many things to contemplate ... living with the decisions that I have recently made is not as easy as I had originally thought (hoped) it would be. There are, however, just too many factors beyond me to choose any differently ... that is of course, unless I wish to buy into the 'ME, ME, ME!' centeredness that plauges our world today ... and as of right now, I do not.  So for now, I reamain the ever hopeful Duchess.