Knowing what I want is the important part of the 'Battle' ...

To my surprise, and relief, last night was a good night. Despite what some might say, I’m a firm believer in the notion that “absence does make the heart grow fonder.” Time apart had given both Ken and I some perspective.

The weekend gave Ken and I the time, and energy, to reconnect over an evening game of chess. Afterwards, we reminisced over old times --before we knew one another-- on subject of life in the military: Ken having served in the Army (to pay for his college) and me growing up in an Air Force military family, perpetually on the move. We shared how these experiences had shaped our lives for better and worse. I can’t honestly remember the last time that we had truly talked, about more than the upcoming college football season or what was going on with the kids, or at work. I can't remember the last time that we talked about us. It was good to laugh, to listen and to be heard. (Ken’s not much of talker, but I so need that – to converse with others -- to connect to something outside of me, something larger than me.)

Despite having to get up afterwards to do the dishes and chase the kids into bed, I felt refreshed. As I was washing the dishes, my middle daughter came to me with a complaint about how her wrist hurt when she bent it a funny way. I laughed, and with soapy hands I gave her a kiss upon the forehead. Then, I simply said – as all parents have at some point: “Well if it hurts, stop doing that?!” Reassured that she would, in fact, be alright, Bethany walked away with a silly smile. As I plunged my hands back into the dish water, I thought to myself: “Now, how would the advice that I just gave Bethany apply to my life, right here and now?”

I don’t know if you have noticed? But I haven’t been happy lately and “peace has eluded me”, as I said just yesterday. So for a brief moment, I thought: “I haven’t been happy lately, doing what I’ve been doing, so why shouldn’t I just stop doing it?!” It felt good to express that thought for a brief moment, but then I thought: “But, I’m not a child. I’m a grow woman, a grown-up, and sometimes in life, being a grown-up means making hard choices and working through some hard stuff"– really hard!

I’m living proof of the fact that that which does not kill you, does actually make you stronger – a little quirkier, perhaps, but stronger nonetheless. So I thought to myself: “If I just give up now, throw in the towel and walk away, how does that make me stronger, and more importantly: who else gets hurt in the process?” Now, if I had asked myself this same question yesterday, or even earlier in the day today, I would most certainly not have been as objective ( I had not slept well in over two nights and sadness was weighing me down). But a day of relative “peace and quiet”, at home with family, and reconnecting with Ken – on some level – had renewed me and improved my perspective.

From this new perspective, I concluded that -- allowing myself some slack to go ahead and not just cry, but to be angry or sad, without feeling guilty -- I could be bent a little and grow from this experience, but more importantly, I realized that I could do this because this is truly where my heart needs to be right now. That my life and my marriage were worth fighting for. A new friend said it well, “These days, I shy away from giving specific advice. I believe that 99% of the time, people know, deep down, what they really WANT to do.” I didn’t quite get the full meaning of his words, as I read them early this morning, but upon reflecting upon them now, in the still hours of the night, I see how his words ring true. (Thanks Paul!)

Ken fought for me in a way that no one else in my life ever has or probably ever will. It is because of him that I now have a life that has been filled with love and laughter, much of which to my surprise has been my own – which I never would have believed was possible in my twenties (see my July entry, titled ‘What’s the Hardest Thing in Life’). The idea of finding solace elsewhere, I will have to admit, did appeal to me for a brief time. The idea of something new and different, something simpler, always seems appealing in our time of pain and trial – that’s human nature, I suppose. But the novelty, once pursued, I’m confident would have quickly worn off.

So I have a plan now. I no longer feel as if I am floundering around anymore, like a wounded fish caught on a fisherman’s line, frantically trying any, and everything, to escape the pain. I’ve used my time of reflection somewhat purposefully. I’ve gotten some things off of my chest and set them free. Now, I think that I am, at last, ready to put my stake in the ground, with resolve. Knowing what I want to do is the important half of the battle. And I think that just knowing will, at long last, put me back on the path to peace once again.

And on that note, I’m off to try to get some much needed sleep. I haven’t felt much like being at church these past few weeks, but I have been having conversations with God. Perhaps tomorrow, I will feel like walking back into our church again.

Peace to you, who happen to wonder by this way.

God Bless!
M



Song: Far Away, By Nickelback

Song: If Everyone Cared, By Nickelback



"Sometimes we have to embrace the mundane in order to be present to bear witness to the magnificent; for one never knows when nor where the magnificent may strike." ~ me today, Aug. 2009

"I delight in my imperfection; For without it: there would be no point in making this journey." ~ me today, Aug. 2009

A Good Day: Picnic Dinner at the Beach

Yesterday was a good day. After several cooler days, it finally warmed up a bit yesterday. Inspired by the change in weather we grabbed our portable grill, a blanket, threw some food and drinks into an ice chest and headed to the beach for an impromptu picnic dinner. When we arrived, we practically had the entire beach all to ourselves. The kids and Dad wanted to stop at the picnic tables, in the safety of the perfectly manicured grass strip, but Mom (me) pressed onward.  I drug the whole crew a ways further down onto the actual beach itself, stopping at the perfect spot.  This perfect spot was nestled amongst a patch of large washed up drift logs.

"Are you insane?" The kids protested loudly in chorus.  Dad knew better. "We'll get sand in everything?!" The kids continued with whining.  They hoping to get their way, but I wasn't giving in.

"Yup!" I immediately replied.  "You probably will get sand in everything.  Sand is just part of going to the beach.  Trust me, you'll get over it." Whereafter, I added in afterthought, "It's these moments of insanity that let mommy know that she's still alive."

Initial complaints aside, it wound up being an awesome picnic! The weather was perfect: not too hot; not too cold. A gentle breeze was even blowing lightly. And BEST of all, this outing required absolutely no planning whatsoever!  We just had to chase the kids into the truck and go.  Of course, the kids were resistant at first -- not wanting to be removed from their electronic gizmo's and gadgets for too long. But soon after setting foot on the beach, the kids were scouring the beach in search of shells, cool rocks and floating pieces of variously sized driftwood. Or in the case of my 8 year-old daughter, 'they' were wrestling long strands of slimy seaweed right out of the water in order to chase sisters around on the beach with.  My 11 year-old -- future marine biologist -- found a fair-sized crab, which she then picked up,  without hesitation, in order to examine it further.  Dad wanted to eat said crab, but Lauren would have none of that.

Image Source

While the food cooked on the portable grill Ken and I played Frisbee.  Surprisingly, this time I actually had pretty good aim and control of my throws. All of my shots went straight to Ken, instead of into the water. I should have a Guinness more often while playing Frisbee? ; )  So we waded in the water, ate brats and corn off the grill, laughed and had a outright blast.  It was a fun way to spend a summer afternoon.  That being said, things ended, rather abruptly when the tide started to come back in.  And boy did that tide come back in FAST!  In response, as quickly as we could we all packed up and headed to the safety of the grass, just in the nick of time. A few minutes longer and we'd have been cut off from our exit. Guess we'll have to figure the whole tide thing out? Worrying about tidal flows and charts is all new for us. We're used to the relative stability of Lake waters.

Anyway, wet and sandy kids -- they were floating on pieces of drift log, at the end, while mom and dad haphazardly threw supplies into the cooler and picnic basket -- trashing the truck aside, it was an amazing evening. I feel refreshed and renewed, like we've just had a mini-vacation, without the cost and hassle of actually having to pack and go somewhere. Very invigorating!

As I walked along the beach, chasing after the kids -- while Dad tended the grill -- I asked God for a little sign that things were going to be alright -- with respect to relocating clear across the country, working new jobs, selling our house and saving our marriage. A few minutes later, I found the most beautiful, perfect, pristine, spiraling white sea shell.  It was exquisite, both in terms of color and design and probably the most beautiful shell that I have ever found in all of my many years of walking beaches, in many countries around the globe. To me: this small sea shell was my sign. We're going to be alright.

God Bless, one and all!

The Romantic Thing: Can a Guy Learn How to Be Romantic? Should He Have to?

Regarding my post from the other day, when I wondered:  "Where are all the good the men dead? In the heart or in the head?"  (Quote from the movie "Gross Pointe Blank") ...

I am wondering today:  Do you think that after 10+ years of marriage that a man can learn how to be romantic?  After the 7 year itch, Is it just too late?  Are they just a lost cause in the 'romantic department'?  I mean, if all of the suggestions and hint dropping haven't sunk in:  Is it just time to plain GIVE UP?  (Is that why women shop? ; )

For that matter, can any man learn how to be romantic?  Is there a 'romantic' gene and you're either born with it or you're not?  I know that some guys can do the romantic thing and they make an honest effort to be romantic more often than not,  but should those guys that don't have any such natural inborn tendencies at least have to try from time to time?  And once any man marries, are they they automatically off the hook romantically speaking?

I mean, if we women are willing to go outside of our comfort for zone for them in certain areas (i.e., w.r.t. sex) .. Then can't they do the romantic thing for us in return?

I'm just curious, what the rest of you think -- men & women. With all of the demands on me these days, I don't get out to socialize with other moms, or women in general, much anymore. I guess, I lead a sheltered life in that respect. So help me out here; I would sincerely appreciate your inputs!  Cause my guy just flat out doesn't seem to get the romantic thing at all. : (



P.S. In my husbands defense: he is usually a very patient man. He puts up with my myriad of mood swings and quirkiness ... So that counts for a heck of a lot, right? ... Update:  He must have read this? Cause, Ken brought me coffee in bed this morning and made my favorite pancakes for breakfast. : ) 6/28

7/8 Ken bought me a dozen beautiful roses, on Monday, and dark chocolates today. Maybe, Blogspot is like a magic wish zone or something? I feel like a princess whose frog has been transformed into a prince. : ) Wonder, if I wish for a scuba diving vacation to somewhere warm and sunny if that wish will come true? You never know; it could happen. Until then, I'm happy. I'm easy to please -- most of the time, anyway.

7/9 I guess lots of other women have this same complaint about guys, and a lack of romance. Someone pointed out to me that there is a new movie coming out July 24th, called 'The Ugly Truth'. Apparently , it broaches this very same topic. Think I'm going to go see and drag Ken with me. That way, he can see that I'm not the only one with this complaint! Check it out:

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/theuglytruth/

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1142988/

Family Frog Reunion?

Why is it family will say things they would never, EVER, dream of saying to friends and casual acquaintances when they find themselves among family members?

You see, it seems whenever my family gets together they most closely resemble a bunch of frogs, sitting on their lily pads, just waiting for the opportune moment to ZING another hurtful verbal lashing out there.  This word-lashing is almost like an actual sport in our family. You'd think that their was an actual trophy or cash prize at stake based upon the frequency and tenacity of the unfurling of these word-zingers.  And sadly enough, the surrounding audience also seems to derive a rather twisted pleasure from witnessing any given "zing" at the expense of the poor "zingee."  I guess, it bothers me the most when my parents are the ones who wind up being the zingee.  It just seems so disrespectful from where I'm sitting.

I'm curious, though:  I wonder does just my family engage in this narcissistic sport or are there other families out there who seem to enjoy this word-zinging too?  Further, I have to wonder does my family have an actual "zing gene" which enables them to whip out cleverly disguised criticisms and tear-downs left and right? Or perhaps they've succumbed to some terrible virus and their word-lashings are a lingering, permanent side-effect?  I wonder the latter because those who marry into our clan appear to rather readily acquire the gift of "zing" for themselves, exhibiting little hesitation before joining in on the game during family get-togethers.

I am a sensitive person, I know, but even outsiders who I happen to bring to our family gatherings have commented on my family's (extended) gift for "zing". And IT/ZING really bothers me! It makes me cringe at the thought of family get-togethers. And if I say anything to address the cruelty of a given comment after  it's been unleashed then: "I am being over sensitive" and  "People shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around me ", etc., etc.  Sadly, even my children have commented on the word-zapping at our family get-togethers: "Mommy, why does Aunt XXX or Uncle XXX say such mean things?" they wonder.

I just wish the people in my family would stop and think before they open their mouths to speak, before letting random mean and degrading things fly-out. We tell our kids "If you don't have any thing nice to say: don't say anything at all." Doesn't this apply to adults too?


P.S. This 4th wasn't too bad with the exception of one sister who is under a lot of stress lately with a little one up all night. Is that an excuse? Guess so?