I have to admit: I have tried watching CBS evening news this past week ... just to see how Katie Couric is doing in her new job.
I have to say that so far I am impressed. Katie is a refreshing change to the standard evening news with its starch newscasters and rigid formats. Katie actually smiles from time to time and her voice is pleasing to listen too -- not droning on endlessly.
I like the format changes as well -- especially the "Free Speech" segment.
Last night's Free Speech segment -- 9/7 -- was Rush Limbaugh ... and while I am not a huge Rush fan (still recall his verbal bashing from Dave Letterman, where Dave pronounced Rush "Pumpkin Head" and it seems to have stuck with me): Rush hit the nail on the head last night.
He defined "patriotism" and put into words where we as Americans, and as a country, stand with respect to extremist Islamic terrorists:
"... How do you negotiate with those that want your death?"
"... Patriotism is rallying behind your country despite party affiliation ..."
It really IS worth listening too: http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/eveningnews/main3420.shtml
Q: Would I be going too far if I emailed this link to all of my liberal friends who have -- without stopping to think that I might not agree with their sentiments -- bombarded me with countless "anti-war" and "Bush-bashing" messages?
Let me know what you think ...
4/10/2010 My New Secret Garden ...
.... Secret Garden #7
'Young Girl in a Garden', By Eugene Samuel Grasset
(image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
Welcome to my new Secret Garden ... I guess I do still need these? Nice to have a place to truly clear my head ... to be wild, innocent and free ...
Happy, happy ... so glad Spring is finally here ... almost warm enough to kick off your shoes and run barefoot through the grass again. Love it! : )
We went to the bookstore today ... the whole family went this time. I always love going to the bookstore ... I'm like a kid in candy store when I am at the book store. Found an inexpensive copy of 'Alice In Wonderland' to read ... just until I locate my very old edition, with all of the glorious illustrations.
Erynn and I started reading 'Alice in Wonderland' this very evening ... I offered for the other girls to join in, but they weren't interested. Erynn seems to love it though ... she has an active imagination just like me. Her eyes were wide with wonder ... just like me when I first read it at her age ... fun to witness and share.
After the bookstore, we had dinner out ... I have to confess: I've been spoiled lately ... I haven't cooked a single meal since my surgery ... lots of takeout and Ken has cooked some too. A nice break. : ) After dinner, we went to Macy's to shop for new work attire for Ken. He even allowed me to pick out an off-beat tie for him ... I get tired of the boring conservative look all the time. The tie that I picked resembles a painting ... very vivid colors ... and artisitc shapes ... the sales person liked it (if that's saying anything?). I'll have to wait to see if he actually will wear it though.
Things are better this past week ... something has changed ... I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it feels good. I haven't been this happy ... truly happy in ages. Once I am cleared to exercise again ... I'll be in heaven ... : ) : ) : ) Well, I'll try not to get too ahead of myself ... have a great rest of the weekend.
4/12/10 "Come As You Are" Dream ...
I was beginning to think that my black and white, post-surgery ... drug-induced (?), psychedelic dream would never resolve because I had stopped taking my pain medication. This dream started on April 5th, 2010. I learned 3 days later, that 16 years ago, on April 8th, 1994, authorities found the body of the lead singer for the rock band 'Nirvana', Kurt Cobain, in his home. He had been dead for 2-3 days, they had estimated, apparently of a drug overdose. I honestly had no idea of the significance of this date, until I heard Sam Shepherd ... (on FOX News of all places??!!??) announce it in his closing "On this Date in History" segment. The significance of this announcement and the reason that it sent chills down my spine will become clearer when you read about the resolution of the my dream the night before.
Anyway ... last night, this dream did resolve. To recap here is the original dream ....
Me in a black and white world ... some sort of modern garden ... I am wearing a white child's play dress, but I am fully grown. I am barefoot and I am holding a pinwheel. I think that I am in color, but the pinwheel is black at rest. I am smiling and chasing playfully after color ... only it isn't color in the literal sense? It is more sounds ... motions ... emotions .... ideas? The pinwheel changes from black ... through shades of gray ... until it glows a blinding white when I unlock a patch of color. Same dream over and over with slight variations ... any dream interpreters out there? Not one of my strong suits ... Last night someone else was in the dream for a change ... only their voice was present though ... no body ... no living... breathing ... flesh and blood being ... I seem to be big on voices, no?
Song: "Come As You Are", By Nirvana
Here is where I continued on last night ...
I didn't feel like I was in a deep sleep, but then I am a light sleeper. I had gotten to the point in the dream where I hear the voice. I did not mention this before ... but at that point, I am very sleepy ... so I look for a safe nook in the garden and lay down on the cool grass. It isn't really nighttime and it isn't daytime either ... everything is sort of a twilight gray. Anyway, I lay down in the grass and close my sleepy eyes ... as I drift off to sleep a voice comes and whispers softly to me ... I couldn't make out what the voice was saying until last night ...
Copyright @April 2010 Michelle C. of whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com
"Thread the eye of the needle
Tag in the parking lot,
gun it and I'm not it.
Thoughts and dreams
flow in streams, till
memories run clear.
Run, run away to find
a better, brighter way
... a safer place to play.
A new beginning. No more tears
...no more memories.
A happier place for you and me."
Copyright @April 2010 Michelle C. of whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com
The voice was very gentle and sweet ... I could feel him next to me, but not in the earthly sense ... a presence ... and for some reason I was noticeably cold ... very cold. I kept telling the voice that I was cold, so cold ... and he would assure me that I would be warm again when I had memorized the words. He kept repeating the verses ... singing them softly to me over and over and asking me to repeat them for him ... so I spoke each one back to the voice in turn. When I had memorized the words ... the song (?) ... the voice said to me that I would wake up now ... that I should go and write everything down straight away ... then come back to sleep and I would be warm once again.
I did wake up after that ... I went into our colossal bathroom and found a piece of paper and pen ... (I keep pen and paper in every room ... because I never know when and where my mind will suddenly unleash a torrent of things that need to be written down ... poems ... stories ... ideas ... etc.). I wrote the words down onto paper as instructed ... then I returned to bed. I pulled the covers up and closed my eyes ... as I started to drift back to sleep ... the voice said, "Thank you." Then the spirit of the voice kissed me softly on the cheek. A tear involuntarily formed in my eye, and slowly danced its way down my cheek. Then the voice added "Be strong. Be good. All due in its time." ... and with that he quietly slipped away ... taking the coldness with him in his silent parting.
When I awoke this morning ... I went into the bathroom and there, on the counter, lie the piece of paper with the words from the song in my dream ...
P.M. ... and now, a friend of mine has set me to the task of delving into the eight deaths of man ... Peace, joy and whatever else your life is need of this day ...
-M
4/13/2010 My past resurfaces ... yet again ...
I found out yesterday that many people I knew from high school have found my sister on Facebook.com It was good to see so many healthy and smiling faces, but the very next second ... I found myself having trouble breathing ... literally ... I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I'm not sure why ... but most likely, it is merely the association of those faces with a very painful time in my life and the fact that they are now just a click away (i.e., a visit to my sister's Facebook page). I know that this association, with my painful past, is why I haven't been able to bring myself to reconnect with any of the old friends on the virtual reunion site ... the site that my sister has been on for well over a year now.
It seems strange, to me, that I had such a strong desire to reconnect with one individual ... (but that desire is now gone ... I have been freed from its torment ... the universe -- just recently-- sent me my peace in that matter) ... yet, I cannot bring myself to reconnect with others from that time. I have forgiven those that hurt me violently in my past ... yet I did not do this face to face ... it was written in letters and given in my heart. If I can do that, I am hopeful that someday I may be able to find it within myself to reconnect with others ... from my past ... those who had no part in my pain. So many fights this past year++ ... and I am tired of fighting right now ... I need a rest ...
I have a very good friend, from my high school days, living up here ... not three hours away ... and I have not even been able to bring myself to visit with her in person yet. I realize that I will probably need help in order to disassociate the painful events in my past from these people ... I just need some breathing room right now in order to regroup before the next 'fight'.
'Apple Blossoms', Photo By Me: Michelle C.
(Copyright @March 2010 Michelle C. of whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com )
... It is my understanding that apple blossoms are a symbol of 'hope' and I have hope that I will someday be able to reconnect with old friends again ... and when I do the color, absent in this photo, will be present once again ...
Hopefully, these friends don't recognize me in my alias? ... My photo or name ... And if they do recognize me ... they will understand that I am not quite able to make any form of reconnection. And hopefully, they also feel my good intentions for them ... and know that I still keep them close to my heart, in my thoughts and prayers ... that I wish only the very best for them and those that they love.
Song: "Faces in Disguise", By Sunny Day Real Estate
4/14/2010 Taxes are done ... I have done them every single year until now ... this year Ken had to take them on ... new jobs ... home sale ... etc. complicated things, so he took them to a tax preparer. All I had to do was show up and sign ... tres cool! ... I could get used to that. ; ) So taxes are officially DONE! No extension this year ...
With regards to friends from my past ... I have been thinking that perhaps I should just give Facebook a rest for awhile ... I have been spending way too much time there since my illness and surgery, anyway.
Facebook kind of feels like socializing without having to get dressed and go out ... nice when you're under the weather. And I have gotten lots of great tips for my photography from friends, groups, etc. ... made some interesting friends from all over the world too ... but these 'virtual' friends are 'safe' because they will never be flesh and blood, in my life people, for the most part ... they don't even know my real name, but what's in a name anyway? (Besides, I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that 'Isabelle' was my name in a former life.)
... Anyway maybe, I will just lay low for awhile (i.e., not log in for a few weeks ... maybe after my birthday in May) until I sort some things out w.r.t. old friends from high school? It will afford me the opportunity to prove to my husband and eldest daughter that I CAN LIVE WITHOUT Facebook as well .... they have been razzing me about how much time they see me spend on my Facebook account lately (Big Ken and Little Ken : )-
So, until I can find it within me to 'meet again', my high school friends (even though I know that you won't see this directly ... the universe will deliver my good intentions to you) ... here is an ArtMagick art album dedicated to you ... To My Friends Present & Past That's all I can handle for now. Sorry, and I do hope that you understand.
Joyful Day to YOU!! : ) : ) : )
P.M.
... At least I am consistent, no? ... I've always said "Books ... covers ... Defy them!" ...
...and think I live up to that ...
... and further along those lines ... the only time you'll ever get me into a box is when I am dead and gone ... and I fully intend to fight it even then ... ; )
4/15/2010 Today, for a change .... instead of scrambling to finish up income taxes ... I am writing to a friend about God, our Creator, and about my faith ... That gives me hope... hope, that I am progressing along the path of my journey home ...
"A Soul Brought to Heaven", By William Bouguereau
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
This morning, I found an unexpected email in my inbox from a friend ... they needed to know why I am a Christian ... why I believe so strongly in a God ... in a Creator ... So here is my first pass at answering this profound question ... and, as I had promised others that I would not be in direct contact with this friend any longer, I am posting my response here for this person ... friend ... to read.
Q: Why am I Christian, and not a Buddhist or some other sort of religion?
A: Well, probably first and foremost, I am a Christian because this is the faith that was given to me by my parents ... but I have a profound respect for all faiths. I do study other religions in an effort to better understand my fellow man and my relationship with God, our Creator.
Hypothetical (next) Q: Haven't I moved beyond the faith of my parents though ... from my other blog posts regarding studying other religions?
A: Yes and no ... I have moved beyond the man made ('divinely inspired' though they may be) "rules" ... the dogma of my parent's, and other Christian faiths ... but I have not moved beyond the profound relationship that I have with God, our Creator, nor His son, Jesus.
I believe in a Creator ... whatever His 'name' may be ... I have too intimate a connection to believe any differently. Being separated from this belief ... in a Creator ... would be the equivalent of being deprived of air for me.
As for His son, intellectually it does make sense to me that the Creator would incarnate in the flesh in order to better understand our human trials, torments, suffering and shortcomings. Further, that God, our Creator, loved us enough to sacrifice His own son for our salvation ... is just ... beyond words, feeling, or expression for me ... the only thing that comes pitifully close in articulating this is: WOW?!!!!
"The Heavenly Stair", By Arthur Hughes
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
Spiritually, I have a personal reason to believe in Jesus ... it was Jesus that I called upon when my youngest daughter was in a terrible accident and suffered a head injury which could have resulted in her death and at the very least should have resulted in a severe head trauma. My whole life flashed before my eyes as I went to my baby ... almost 9 months old at the time ... Erynn was limp and not moving ... breathing, but not moving and her eyes were closed. I just held her close to me, so very tightly, and kept calling out Jesus' name over and over again. I prayed that Jesus would take from me whatever was needed to heal her and make her okay ... even my life for hers. As I prayed, I felt a warm, glowing presence surrounding Erynn and me ... then Erynn's eyes began to open and close and she started crying and I was able to stop shaking and crying uncontrollably. Somehow, at that moment, I just knew that everything would be alright.
The ambulance came right after that ... and the ER medical techs strapped my baby, Erynn Jeanne, to a board and chastised me for having moved her (i.e., picked her up to hold) ... and we raced to the Children's hospital ... but the ER people did concede that the fact that she was alert and crying was a good sign. They did many series of MRIs on Erynn Jeanne's head and found a small hairline skull fracture (but no penetration) and good sized subdural hematoma. They would keep her over night for observation, but they could not believe that the damage was not more severe ... the doctors actually used the word "miracle". I had never, personally, heard a medical professional use that word before: miracle. That gives you hope for the world, no?
The next afternoon, they released Erynn from the hospital. She would have a monstrous headache for a good week or two, but they were hopeful that Erynn would be fine. A follow-up visit to the neurologist, a few days later, revealed that Erynn would be perfectly fine. There would be no permanent damage. And today, eight ... almost nine years later Erynn Jeanne is an incredibly bright and creative, spirit-filled, energetic 8 year old. She is a walking talking miracle and she exudes the love of Jesus to all around her ... probably, at least to my way of thinking ... because a huge part of Jesus is in her to this day.
[ Side Note: I do not believe that everyone has to accept Jesus as the Son of God in order to get into Heaven ... I, personally, believe in Jesus ... that He is the Son of God. But God can take many forms and He is in each of us in some small way, so why is the idea that God could, and would, choose to take human form so far fetched? Jesus, in essence, is God ... they are one in the same ... in my belief ... but if others do not share this belief, then there is nothing wrong with that ... an underlying belief in a greater power ... a Creator ... is what we have in common and that should be our focus ... our common ground.
Further, those of you schooled in Buddhist teachings might argue that Buddhist do not believe in a supreme being ... deity ... I am no expert on Buddhist teachings ... but I would say that the Buddhist teachings focus on what the individual must do in order to be liberated from the condition of earthly suffering and the cycle of rebirth because that is the central question to their way of thinking ... they do not focus on what is beyond their ability to control, and therefore do not address the existence or non-existence of a supreme being ... because to their way of thinking only the former is the reason for and focus of their existence ... to prove or disprove the latter is outside the scope of their immediate purpose for being. That being said, I think that Buddhists do believe in the existence of a life force in everything ... and they have a profound respect for this life force in everything around them. To me, this is equivalent to other religions beliefs that we come from a Creator ... that we are created in His image ... that a bit of the Divine exists in each of us. So, to me, it is just semantics ... man's feeble attempts to wrap his mind around a concept that is so far beyond him ... each from his own perspective and based on his own experiences.
I do give the Buddhist credit for not engaging in the religious prejudices, violence, misconceptions and the endless bickering that seems to swarm around the tenants of religious dogma ... who is right and who is wrong ...
It is my sincere hope that one day, we will all become a united people ... able to rise above the semantics ... to finally embrace ... "A church ... no walls, one God, one people." ]
"The Shadow of Death", By William Hollman Hunt
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
God has worked SO MANY other miracles in my life ... so many, that I wouldn't know where to begin in relaying them to you ... but let's just say that I have looked death in the eyes more than once ... and I am still here ... still sane ... here for a reason, that I cannot help but think is to share my own personal experiences, reach out to others in need and show others that there is a Creator ... that He is there for us ... that He loves us unconditionally ... that He wants us to love each other and not be so caught up in the ways of the world and our truly insignificant differences ... be those differences racial, ethnic, religious, economic, political, etc. ... we are all children of God, our Creator, worthy His love ... worthy of love for one another ... and that endowment should supercede all others. When it does: the world will know true Peace ... the Peace of our Creator.
Final Answer: So getting back to your original question ... I would say that I am a Child of God, our Creator, first and foremost ... and so are you and that is really all that matters in the end. Wouldn't you agree?
"The Eve of Peace", By George Frederic Watts
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
As to your religious experience ... consider your vision a gift ... a blessing ... don't be upset if others do not understand the significance of this visitation to you ... I have learned that not all of us are at the same point on the path of enlightenment, and so I try not take other's skepticism personally. I don't force my beliefs or experiences on others, but if they ask ... as you have ... I will share my story and experiences with them ... because that is why we are here ... to grow spiritually so that we can finally go home ... back to our Creator.
Know that you and your wife are in my ongoing prayers. I feel peace slowly reentering your life once again ... keep hope. God, our Creator, is with you and He will see you through this difficult time. Peace to you my friend.
God Bless!
Michelle
P.M. You had asked ... wondered ... how do you integrate your experience into your life ... your everyday life. I wonder if you mean, more specifically, how do you embrace the everyday mundaneness of life after such a profound experience?
Well, the best analogy that I can come up with on the spur of the moment is to look at your experience as a 'vacation' of sorts ... vacations are wonderful ... they allow us to escape ... to renew ... to restore our hope ... After a vacation, we return to our everyday lives ready to embrace the mundaneness once again ... perhaps with a happier heart and a brighter outlook on life. Our ability to cope with difficulties is restored ... the list of positives goes on and on and probably varies a bit from person to person.
We would probably all love it if our vacations could last forever, but that is just not reality ... nor why we are here ... unless you hit the lottery -- the spiritual equivalent of which would be what? eternal bliss ... nirvana? -- So just be renewed by your experience ... let it spill over into your life and shape who you are ... who you would most like to become ... visualize and meditate on your experience when you are need of renewal ... inner strength ... wisdom. You can't escape into your vision ... you have work to do in this realm, but your experience can empower you ... strengthen you ... in the tasks you have at hand.
Hope that this simple analogy helps on some level. I'll reread this later and see if I come up with any new insights.
4/16/2010 I changed my mind ... the spiritual equivalent of hitting the lottery would have to be nirvana ... not death ... death usually implies rebirth and thus falls short of eternal bliss. Death is transient ...
I am glad that my story spoke to you ... please keep hope. I will pray for you ... that you find peace and purpose in your life once again ... and peace, happiness and love with your wife ... she seems like a good woman (She was kind enough to write to me once ... to thank for me for my being 'gentle and gracious' ... to let me know that you two had talked with one another and that things were better ... that she was ready to 'focus on the positive' ... she didn't have to do that for me, but she did and that was very kind of her ... I sense that she has a very loving heart ... as do you ... that is probably what drew you to one another in the beginning, no?) My blog is set not to publish comments on posts older that 1.5 years, but I can read them and I did read yours. Still, I did give my word to someone ... one living and one not ... that I would not be in contact with you anymore ... and I do intend to keep that promise. I hope that you understand. Thank you again for ALL that you have given me ... know that you will always have a special place in my heart. Please keep writing and drawing ... you truly do have a gift and I am NOT just saying that. I will check in, from time-to-time ... on your web space ... to see what you what you are up to ... even if I am unable to comment directly. I've said good-bye already, but I'll say again ... God Bless and Farewell my friend ...
There is a quote I seem to recall ... although I won't get it exactly correct, nor do I recall the author right off hand, but it goes something like this ... "A friend once made is never lost, merely parted out of necessity for a time, pursuing alternate paths in life..." ... This quote gives me comfort and hope for many friends made ... and sometimes seemingly lost ... in my own life ...
Multnomah Falls, Oregon
(Image Courtesy of http://photographyoutdoors.com/oregonfalls.html)
.... Next subject. I have energy back once again. I am eating and gaining weight. I don't resemble a wraithe anymore ... I have color back in my cheeks and I feel SO ALIVE. : ) : ) Life is good! : ) : )
The rain and clouds of this past week are clearing. It is supposed to be a gorgeous weekend. I am looking forward to being outside ... not just sitting on my balcony enjoying the beauty all around, but actually kicking off my shoes and running in the grass, splashing in the cool waters of the Sound ... This weekend, I plan on getting out of the house and having some fun with my family. And no cemeteries this weekend, either ... just in case you were wondering. ; )
... Although ... A friend of mine has sent me info on IR photography as well. I am interested in returning to a cemetery at night and using the IR photography to capture some haunting images, but I am still searching for a brave soul to accompany me ... any takers? Ken wouldn't even step foot out of the car at the cemetery ... on my last trip, which he was kind enough to drive me to .... So I suspect that it is highly unlikely that he would return with me at night ... given Ken's childhood, I guess that I can respect his feelings.
I have also been doing some research on photographing moving water. There are many glorious falls and breathtaking rivers nearby ... not sure if I am up for the long hikes to reach them yet though, but I'll keep my options open. Even if I don't manage waterfalls this very weekend ... I am looking forward to taking on a new photographic endeavor and learning something new in the process.
More good news? Yup ... the possibility of Ken and I taking a vacation in the next few months has become a reality too ... just need to get a bit stronger and work out the logistics ... so that is something else to look forward to. I don't feel like The Duchess anymore ... I almost feel like a princess again. I won't blow things out of proportion ... trying to keep things in perspective ... but I honestly haven't felt this good in ages ... physically ... mentally ... emotionally. I knew ... on some level ... that if I hung there that things would get better ... and they have ... thank you, God for helping me to have the faith ... the hope ... to persevere in my dark hours. You are wonderful! I am so blessed to have you as such an integral part of my daily life! Please continue to bless, support, and inspire ALL those that I love and pray for daily. They are good people and they deserve your peace and happiness. Amen. : )
Life is good ... embrace it ... and if difficulties surround you at present, know that this too shall pass ... so keep hope ... a better day is sure to be just around the corner. Leave me a comment, if you would like, and I would be honored to pray for your specific needs and intentions. I truly believe in the power of the prayer ... I've witnessed, as well as reaped, the benefits of prayer firsthand, many ... many times over.
Joyful day to all who pass this way!! Maybe my positive energy will rub off on you. ; ) Stranger things have happened ...
-M
Life is about struggles sometimes ... falling down and having the courage to get up and fight again ... finding the courage to keep hope ... to make hard choices ... to have faith that things will work out in the end.
Celebrating finding my peace ... the joy of life, love and the abundant blessings of our Creator ... : ) : ) : )
Peace and Joy to you!
(These just right off the top of my head ... in the moment: ) ... Only song that I couldn't locate was Nora Jones, 'Humble Me' ... love that song ...)
My mp3 site is back up again: YEAH! : ) ... No rhyme .. no reason ... it's just working now after being down for a week? Guess, I won't complain too much ... anyway, here is that last song by Nora Jones, "Humble Me" ...
Song: 10 "Humble Me", By Nora Jones
4/17/2010 Wow?! I guess I was a bit euphoric yesterday? ... What can I say, I just felt SO GOOD after feeling SO CRAPPY for so long (physically speaking) ... my planets were just aligned yesterday ... sorry, I went a little bit over the top, no? Do hope you'll forgive me ... but the way I figure ... you've listened to me soul search and complain enough ... isn't being giddy, bordering on euphoric a nice change?
Well, the weather wound up raining this morning. : ( I do happen to know an Indian rain dance ... to make it rain ... but not one to make it stop ... need to learn the latter ... that would surely come in handy up here. It is still a bit overcast, but the sun is trying its best to peak through. I overdid a bit yesterday trying to put my house back in order after being down for so long ... the mountains of stuff everywhere were starting to close in ... so I am not up for a hike to waterfalls today anyway. Today will be 'catch-up day' on errands and stuff ... with growing flowers and trees, seems as if the kids feet have all grown too ... 2 out of the three are in dire need of new shoes. But I did find some falls not too far away (thanks to a local area hiking reference book that I happened to pick up at the bookstore last weekend) that are only a 1/2 mile hike each way. So we plan on going there tomorrow ... and the new shoes should help lessen complaints in that respect.
The girls and I had fun staying up late making jewelry and watching movies last night. We wound up creating some really cool leather and jewel decorative book marks ... I'll have to post some photos ... the girls want to sell these to raise money for charities ... might not be a bad idea?
... And lastly, to add to my euphoria ... I saw today that a friend of mine is doing well in his own life ... he is happy, thankful and moving forward with his dreams ... He even met a beautiful girl and managed to land a date ... sounds like more than just a 'coffee date' too. Now, if he would just post an update on how his father is doing? (hint, hint ... ; ). But it truly warms my heart to know that he is truly happy, at peace, and doing well in his own life ... I think he even said 'LIFE IS GOOD.' : ) : ) : ) So good to see ... hear ...
And on that note ... I'm off to go shoe shopping ... Peace! : ) : )
P.M. Shoe shopping was a success ... lots more rain too ... It'd better be gone come tomorrow though, or Mother Nature is gonna have some 'xplainin' to do! ; )
Ken and Lauren are watching the movie "Men Who Stare at Goats" ... looks like a funny movie, but I just don't have the patience for a movie tonight ... we must have theater silence, surround sound blow your ears out, and proper lighting (i.e., no working with jewelry making, etc.) when Ken is in the house. That's okay, I watched movies with the girls last night ... I'm kinda Tv'd out ... Remember the movie "Space Jam" with Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes? Love that movie ... great story ... love Michael and the soundtrack wasn't bad either ... that's one of the ones we saw last night.
Tonight, I have many books to finish ... to enjoy ... to savor ... but I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday ... how "I don't feel like The Duchess anymore ... I almost feel like a princess again." Anyway, I was thinking today ... and wondering why I referred to myself as a princess and not a queen? Queens are older ... and I'm older ... biologically anyway, I'm not 17 anymore ... Queens have children ... they have power ... authority ... and responsibility ... but a Princess ... she's forever young ... free ... able to be wild and throw caution to the wind ... to live in the moment and enjoy life. Personally, I think that Princesses have more fun, no? And while I don't mind responsibility ... I try not let it make me old ... I try to take new approaches to old tasks and liven things up a bit ... I guess, in my own way ... I still try to be wild and free and to enjoy life to the fullest ... is that such a bad thing?
This line of thinking led to my next wondering ... my friend, the one that I wrote about above, said that he had "met a beautiful girl" and had gotten a date ... and I wonder now ... what's the difference between a girl and a woman? When does a girl become a woman ... ? When does a man begin seeing the females in his life (friends ... dates ...lovers) as women and girls no longer? ... And does any of this really matter? ... Guess, it's getting late and my tired mind is starting to wonder and wander off in odd tangents ... I best turn in and give some attention to my many books ... hmmmm ... "Where God Was Born" ... "Matter" ... or "Alice in Wonderland"? ... Nite ... sweet dreams ... : )
4/20/2010 My youngest has a shirt that reads ..."BACK OFF: I BITE!" I should be wearing that shirt today ... Wonder if I could squeeze into it? ; ) I am getting restless with this whole hurry up and wait ... healing crap ... pardon my French , si vous plait (if you please). I shouldn't have climbed on Sunday, but then I seldom do what I'm told to do ...
I woke up, in the wee hours of morning on Monday incredibly sore... and even today, Tuesday evening, I am still sore. I had to my postpone post-op appointment today ... as Lauren was home sick today. Guess what the doctor doesn't know won't hurt him ... nor me either? But since this surgery it seems that my body is not quite as forgiving of abuse ... a function of age? Hope this passes, because I have absolutely no intention of slowing down!! Age is a state of mind ... and in my mind, I'm not a day over 25 ... okay maybe 27 ; )
I've finished reading Dante's 'Divine Comedy'. It was a good read. I truly enjoyed it. I bought the epic animated movie spin-off (of the Play Station 3 Video Game), on Blu-Ray, and watched it the night before my surgery. It was neat to see Dante's Inferno come to life ... although the movie did not follow the book exactly. I hear that they are planning to make a sequel for the movie as well. Now all I have to do is play the video game, 'Dante's Inferno' and I will have completed the holy trilogy. Seems they don't rent PlayStations anymore, but Ken is seriously considering buying me a system just so that I can play my Inferno game... hmmm , I wonder if this gaming system would truly be for me? I've noted a whole stack of wish list games he's bookmarked for PlayStation ... but it's the thought that counts, no? ... I will have to do a formal write-up on this epic poem at some point ... well, it's on my To Do List ...
I finished with my reread of 'Alice In Wonderland' ... last night. Erynn Jeanne and me still have to finish reading it together though. I wrote a review for it on books.livingsocial.com ... not sure that I will post a review here? A friend introduced me to this site ... never thought of using a social networking site to scope out new books, but the idea has merit. Not sure how this site compares to Amazon.com? In terms of reviews anyway ... The Amazon site can be a bit big, and overwhelming, in the reviews department, no? Ken says "the more data the better" ... I would have to agree, unless of course you actually want to READ some meaningful reviews ... then more becomes a bit much. If you're looking for a pure number ... a yes or no go, then yah, Amazon is probably the way to go.
I could use some comfort food ... now that I can eat once again ... or comfort something right now ... I'm sore, achy, and tired of having to refrain from 'extraneous' physical activity ( I'd like to slap the person who invented the word extraneous right about now?!!) ... I want to go outside and run a mile or something ... anything?!!! Exercise is out for now ... though I can't make any more promises ... I may just put that back onto the table tomorrow ... post-op check-up or not. Coffee==out ... etc., etc. ... Ughhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, something has gotta give!!!!! ... Maybe a glass of wine? I'm tired of behavin' ... when I get the okay to live once again: I am going to be one wild child ... no holds barred!! I know: quit complaining already... at least I had a mild reprieve this past weekend, climbing about on the river rocks and boulders, no? Alright ... signing off for now ... Peace ...
P.M. Channeled my restless energy into cooking a fresh cut of Wild Alaskan Halibut. Took my frustrations out on deboning the fish ... know why I got such a great price now ... so many, many bones. Don't worry ... still have all of my fingers in tact. I even followed a recipe ... Halibut sauteed in a citrus Dijon mustard sauce. Actually, came out quite good ... I surprised myself ... kids even ate it without complaining too much (they prefer things served with ketchup). ... And I AM exercising tomorrow!!!
Song: "Gray", By Justin Nozuka
Right now this song speaks louder to me than any other. It's about being high up on a mountain top ... looking down on all your worries ... troubles ... and just deciding to leap ... a leap of faith ... to let your spirit take flight and just soar ... wild and free ... happy to just be in the moment ... free of all that binds ... all that is space and time ...
4/21/2010 (Early a.m.) ...I did take a look again ... late last evening ... and I was overjoyed to see that you are writing at last and drawing .. exploring ... thinking ... dreaming. That's makes me happier than you could ever possibly know ... I am all smiles : ) : ) ... beyond smiles ... tears of joy ... Keep doing! I look forward to seeing where you'll go next ... God Bless, my friend. Joyful adventures to you! : )
((Late Afternoon) I just realized something ... there is a reason that our parents and their parents are 'technically inept' for the most part ... it is so that their children can have the freedom to grow ... to explore ...to express themselves without having their parents incessantly trying to impose their own narrow minded and rigid standards (of their generation) upon us. I wonder if my children will see me as narrow minded and rigid as they grow into the role of young adults ... adults ... adults with children of their own?
On that note, I'm off to exercise ... run 'my mile' and then some! : )
Done exercising... I can breathe again ... Chased all of my frustrations away ... back on track. You can take away my Facebook ... my coffee ... all forms of sweets, fried food ... meat ... even wine ... just don't take away my exercise ... it literally keeps me sane. Ran for 30 minutes ... not sure how far .... but don't really care. Did not do my punching bag ... arms ... free weights. I'm too beat ... 2 weeks down ... takes a bit to come back up to speed, I guess. But the endorphins are flowing now ... feels good. ; )
So have I gone through Facebook withdrawal ? Do I really want to admit this? ... Let me check and see if Lauren or Ken are around ... Okay, coast is clear ... Answer: Yah ... a little bit, it's been over a week now I think? ... (Feels longer though) ... But I haven't logged back in ... save for one quick message that I sent to a friend who was worried about me because of my recent health issues (saw he sent me a Facebook message via my alias email account). So I can give Facebook up ... I'm not addicted or anything ... though I've probably been writing here a bit more because of its removal from my life ... and because of being couped up due to surgery recoup considerations.
I am focusing on finishing up one of the reads that I started awhile back: "Where God was born". This book has kind of been on the back burner for awhile, with the intensity of the Dante read and my not feeling well. Anyway, I am not one who actually has ever read the entire Bible from cover to cover ... not sure I am the kind of person that has the patience to do that? That being said, I have read the Bible extensively ... and it did always strike me as odd ... some of the misfits that God called upon to carry out his will ... But now, as I read this particular book and see these thoughts of mine ... in print ... in someone else's words ... well it is just odd?! ... I can't quite explain ... I am still trying to wrap my mind around it and how these revelations ... now solidified, in my own mind, play into my own personal life in the here and now.
I mean, I knew that David fell in love with a married woman ... and further, that he had her husband essentially executed by sending him to the front lines of battle so that he could have the man's wife for himself (Bathsheba) ... but I did not realize how widespread polygamy ... concubines ... were among people of that time ... and more specifically among the Kings of Israel. Did you know that David's son, Solomon, had 350 wives and over 700 concubines? And it states this clearly ... in black and white ... in the actual Bible?! Yet, these men were called upon to lead the Israelites and to do God's will, despite what we today would consider to be serious inadequacies and shortcomings. So why the double set of standards then vs. now? Times were harder then? Sorry don't buy that one? What then? I don't have the answer, but I am surely looking for one ... does God realize that it might be hard for men and women to be monogamous? Any thoughts? Too bad I can't summon up the spirits of David and Solomon and see what ends they made in their afterlife ... reincarnations ... no?
4/23/2010 I have finally find my peace ... now ... months and months later ... the author of the 'Thoughtful, Bemused' album finally decides to write to me in one of my albums? "I'll be in touch soon ..."? I don't know what to think ... I am tired of being played by those pretending to be the one I had loved. I sent you a message via the ArtMagick contact box yesterday ... I hope my message made sense? ... The album to which I was referring was the 'Thoughtful, Bemused' album. I am at last beyond the feelings I once had ... at peace now ...
If I've made such strides in confronting my past ... why does it still hurt me so? Maybe I just need to leave the past ... in its entirty, behind ... all of it ... old friends ... everything? Maybe I've dealt with all that I am meant to deal with and it's time to move on? Is that chickening out? Or is it just a sanity saving measure? I guess, the better question would be: What have I got to gain to by revisiting friends from my past? I think I prefer my virtual friends ... they're there when I want them to be and gone when I don't ... if they ask a question I don't like or don't want to answer... I just don't answer ... they don't hurt me ... they can't really hurt me ... and if they choose to leave ... well I never really had them to begin with anyway ...
Moving on ... or not ... if you, my artist friend, are one in the same? I will probably never know for certain ...
This artist brings tears to your eyes you said ...
So I had a look myself ...
These are my favorites so far ...
... And it was so good to stand atop my mountain this passt weekend. My world is ALIVE with color once again. : ) How's yours doin' ?
Time do some coloring? ... Peace ...
5/14/2010 Ten ... 2010 ... a decade ... Sometimes, I think I am past my expiration date? With all that I've been through ... I truly can't believe that I actually am still here. Must be here for a reason ... guess there are three of them at least, no? Going on a Ferry ride to get some sun and perspective ... it seems to be a gorgeous day outside ...
P.M. No worries ... there's an 'ap' for that ... ( 'ap' ... application for cell phones and handheld computing devices) ... aps make the world go round ...
5/23/2010 Well ... I made it through yet another birthday. Pretty uneventful ... that's the way I like them though. I hate to be the center of any extravagant attention. The kids surprised me with decorations of streamers and signs when I awoke. They had each made me a little something ... EJ made me a necklace. Lauren a necklace and some handmade stationery and Bethany a beautiful handmade yellow clay rose, with green leaf. The whole family went down to the marina to check out the boats available in two sailing clubs Ken want to join. Then we went to play on a very crowded Alki beach (one of few sandy ... vs. rocky ... beaches in the area) until the tide came in ...
For dinner that evening, we tried out another waterfront seafood restaurant, down by pier 52,called 'Elliots'. The kids told the waiter that it was my birthday, so he snuck out a creme broule with a candle in it for my desert ... very sweet ... thanks Reggi. I've never had creme broule before ... good, but too rich for me to have very often. : ) Then a few days later Ken bought me a key lime pie and everyone sang happy birthday to me. I also --thanks to Bethany ... she took daddy shopping -- received a bottle of expensive perfume that I had been wanting for awhile ... 'Lola'. So I smell nice these days ...
I took the girls on a road trip this past weekend. We went to the Great Wolf Lodge for the weekend. Nice relaxing weekend ... once we got there!!?!! It took 3 hours to make a 1 hour and 45 minute drive thanks to traffic of rush hour and 2 car accidents. My toes were numb on right leg .... foot ... and my patience was completely shot ... by the time we finally arrived ... but once we were there, Iwas able to relax, unwind and have fun. The place is a bit pricey for my tastes, but the kids had a blast ... and now we can say that we've been to the Great Wolf Lodge. The staff at the Great Wolf was very friendly and courteous. We must have been given over $100.00 in free services and merchandise ... free icecreams ... free pedicures ... etc, etc. ... nice and helped to offset the outrageous cost for the room. ... All in all a good weekend ... nice to get away ... but the kids still say Schlitterbahn's (in Texas) is #1. Maybe I can bring them there again this summer?
One huge obstacle ... event ... to overcome this week and then things should be smoother sailing again for awhile ... Any prayers for my husband would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for looking into the symbolism of the owl for me, my friend ... very interesting and enlightening read. After reading what you wrote ... I feel very strongly that I know, at last, what my animal totem is ... it is the owl, I think. Especially in light of the fact that the owl is said to be the 'eagle of the night'. What do you think? The only other candidates I have ever felt a close connection to are the horse and the eagle. I've had several close encounters with eagles. They seem to follow me wherever I go, and always have since I was very little. I also have a scar on the knuckle of a once broken finger that resembles Indian pictographs of an eagle. Well it is fun to think on and ponder, no? Do you know what your animal totem is? ... And I am so happy that you found the time to get away for a vacation with your wife for awhile. Looks as if you two had a wonderful time from your photos ... so good to see ... warms my heart and brings a smile to face. : )
5/27/2010 Made it through the obstacle ... Ken is doing well.
My own body is healing, my mind is at peace ... and my heart will eventually follow ...
5/28/2009 Hey Paul ... I saw your latest band post. Great video ... good coverage of the whole band this time and good lighting too ... I can actually see you : LOVE IT! Interesting repertoire ... who does your song writing? Well, you look like you're having a blast. Good to see : ) : ) : ) ... And you are right, your drummer is amazing ... truly impressive. Hope other aspects of your life are going as well as your band endeavors. You're often in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless!
5/30/2010 I haven't written here much lately because there has been a lot of noise ... inner noise ... in my life these past few weeks. Hard to focus ... to hear what the universe is trying to say. This past Friday, however, someone from the spirit world touched me ... physically touched me.
I was working on the computer and the kids had been coming in and out .... in and out ... with various needs and wants --they had had a half day of school that day. Bethany and Erynn had just been in, seconds ago, asking me to resolve a fight -- par for the course these days ... 15 months apart ... and a lot of sibling rivalry between these two . Suddenly, I felt someone tapping me on the back ... not a gentle tap either, it was a rather forceful tap. It really caught me off guard, because I had not heard anyone enter my bedroom where I work. So I turned abruptly around and uttered a loud and startled "What?!!" ... but to my surprise no one was there? I looked around to see if anyone was hiding, but my bedroom door was shut and I was in the room alone ... well physically alone.
But it wasn't creepy ... being tapped by some unseen presence ... I didn't feel threatened or afraid in the least ... I just blinked a bit in disbelief as the realization of something unseen physically touching me sank in ... then I just sat for a few moments and quietly listened, but no one spoke to me ... or if they did, I was unable to hear what they had to say.
I tried listening again, last night as I lay reading by the fire ... and then watched (or rather listened to a movie) but still nothing ... as I said though, there has been a lot of noise in my life these past few weeks. I haven't gone spirit walking much these days and that is usually when spirits choose to speak to me ... on very rare ocassions they have spoken to me in my dreams, but these dreams are harder to rationalize ... don't seem quite so real. I have been trying my best to calm my inner storms, but this has been difficult at best lately ... I'm not entirely sure why ... sometimes, it just is what it is and it is easier for me not to question why. Well, whoever it is and for whatever reason ... I am praying for their unresolved needs and for peace to come their way. Maybe that is all that I am supposed to do? To pray for peace? I would like to know who and why, but that is not really necessary ... is it?
5/31/2010 Come on ... I know you thought it ... I did too. It wasn't my first thought ... not even that day ... but the next day and after ... that the tap on my shoulder was Death giving me my "three minute warning." It could have been. I don't fear Death ... I never have ... death is the easy part ... the reward ... the escape ... it's this living that is the hard part.
But I haven't been pondering my own Death that intensely of late ... I've been pondering the notion of Grace ... I mean what is it? ... What is Grace? ... What distinguishes those to whom it has been granted from those not? What are the attributes for identifying those that have it? How do you define it ... Grace? ... Can it be defined by mere words? This is what I've been pondering these days.
In my pondering the above notion, and more specifically its attributes, I made a startling revelation about myself ... or maybe it was just finally an honest admission, because somehow deep down I've always known it to be true on some level. All these years ... starting as a very young child ... my objective ... my goal in defining me was to be indefinable ... to be invisible ... if they can't see me ... know me ... they can't hurt me ... right? The only problem with being invisible is that you forgo having needs and desires ... hopes and dreams are okay ... the intangible ... but wants ... needs ... desires ... these are concrete ... tangible ... they flush you out so that you will be seen ... Alas revelations are cleansing ... renewing ... and having renewed, I now pray God bless all the invisible girls and boys and give them their wings so that they can fly away to safer ... better ... brighter days.
I think maybe that I was meant to pray for an invisible child with that tap upon my shoulder.
6/1/2010 I cried yesterday at the above realization ... its solidification in my mind ... my final relutcant acceptance of its truth. I found my own childhood bunny rabbit and held it tightly for comfort ... even as I tried to sleep. Fortunately for me, I am fighting a cold at present, so no one thought anything unusual of my sudden tears. I'm just not feeling well ... right? It occurs to me now, that I've been invisible to my husband ... by my own doing ... so perhaps all the angst in our marriage this past year has not been all his doing ... one sided ... I am just as much to blame.
Just when I thought the tears we drying up, I now read your newest comment. I am glad that you feel safe sharing such a deep, dark and personal secret with me ... and don't feel bad that it made me cry more ... I should think that it would be sadder still if I had not the compassion left in me to cry at such revelation. I will pray for your invisible child ... I am so sorry that you had no say in that matter. I can't even begin to imagine your depth of sorrow, but I will pray for you in that respect as well.
I wonder if tears are silent prayers in and of themselves?
There are so many things that I would like to say ... things I never got to say ... but I made a promise didn't I? Please just know that you are a very special man. You have touched my life deeply ... in a very profound way ... in just such a short time ... the short time of our communicating. You are one of the only people I have ever met in my life who has given me so much ... so freely ... without asking for ... or expecting ... one single thing in return. I am sure that I have met others like this in my lifetime, but none springs readily to mind at the moment. You said that you did draw an angel for me ... during my surgery. I wonder if your drawing an angel actually brought it ... my angel ... to life, for I have felt a very strong and comforting presence these last several weeks ... even though I have not yet seen your drawing. When I am sad, I feel an unseen presence wrapping its arms ... wings? ... around me to comfort me ... When my inner storms are raging ... a voice calls to me and leads back to safety ... When I awake during the night in a cold sweat from a horrible nightmare ... someone is lying beside me holding me. Maybe that someone is your angel ... the angel that you created for me? Thank you for sending my angel to me ... I'll be on the lookout for a single, falling white feather of my own ...
Thank you also for the clarification on the "Thoughtful Bemused" album. Peace to you my dearest friend.
6/2/2010 I am really fine ... revelations ... grieving ... learning from the past ... incorporating into the present ... moving on with hope towards the future ... that is my life. Nothing new here. Being invisible doesn't mean not being seen these days ... it just means choosing who gets to see what parts of me. I do embrace life and try to live it to the fullest ... I am just very private about who I share these adventures ... discoveries ... with ... and no, I don't share everything with Ken ... am I supposed to? To be honest, I don't thinks he wants to know it all ... knowing is outside of his comfort zone.
While reflecting on being invisible as a child, I also recalled my tenacious spirit ... the survivor in me that would not let me stumble ... fall. I used to do wild a crazy things even as a child. Fortunately, my mother never knew the crazy wild things that I did or surely she would have had a full grey head of hairs long, long ago. ; )
Probably one of the craziest things that I ever did was to walk across a sewage pipe -- maybe 14-16 inches in diameter -- that stood about 20 feet above a small river (rapidly flowing deep stream) and spanned the width of the water ... from shore to shore. The pipe was probably about 50 yards from shore to shore, then it was burried underground on either side. Me, my sister and various friends used to walk by this pipe on our way to pool on long hot summer days. One day, on our way to the pool, I just decided that I was going to walk across that pipe. I needed to prove to myself to that I could cross this pipe, even though I was scared as hell. I think that I was about 10 years old at the time ... My sister was with me and another friend. I feel bad now, because I know how terrified they must have been standing there watching me ... but at the time, I was alone in my mind ... it was just me, the pipe and the river ... stream. I pushed all of the what ifs out of my mind, climbed up on the pipe and just started walking. Once I got going, I wasn't shaking anymore ... my feet seemed to dance along the surface of the pipe ... I had such a feeling of freedom ... power ... and before I knew it I was on the other side. I started to congratulate myself, but then realized that I had only made half of the trip ... I still had to get back to the other side, my sister and the road that led to the pool. Going back was a little bit harder because I could see my sister's face filled with fear and tears, but I made it ... I didn't fall in ... I didn't give in to the fear ... I survived ... I could survive. I guess that it is a good thing that I didn't fall into that river ... stream ... I probably would have been swept away by the current and drowned before I could ever make it back to shore. God was probably watching out for me then ... as always ... even now ...
I did lots of other crazy things too ... too many to name, but I used to love to climb ... I'd pick the tallest tree and scale my way up to the very tip top. I used to love to sit in treetops ... silently, invisibly watching the world below. One day, I realized that my ability to climb had another advantage ... once up in the treetops, I could shimy across a tree limb and be on top of tall buildings ... like the school. [Don't worry, I always did this well after school hours, so I never got caught ... and I did a good deed while I was up there ... I would throw down all of the balls, frisbees, etc. that had managed to wind up stuck on the roof during the school day.] Again, it was an amazing feeling to be up on top of the school looking down ... a feeling of freedom and power ... one of my many ways of flying.
I recall now that I did, in fact, fall out of many trees ... but once I was able to breathe again ; ) ... I just brushed myself off and got back up again. I also have a vague recollection of actually falling off of a one story portion of the school roof ... but I think that I knocked myself silly ... maybe even out ... because that is a very fuzzy recollection. The mind has an amazing capacity to protect itself, no?
So don't waste any of your time worrying about me ... I am first and foremost a survivor ... though I've still many tall trees to climb: I have no doubt in my mind ... or my heart ... I will be victorious! ; )
P.M. I just saw the angel ... my angel ... it is truly lovely ... the personification of love ... just like it feels. I absolutely love it!! ... Both verions ... my angel holding me ever so tenderly. And you drew my angel with magical oil pastels ... so that the angel shines only when the light hits it just right ... Your "favorite drawing medium" ... I wonder if that is telling of you? ... Perhaps of all of us? ... that we each of us shine only when the light hits us just right ... but I think that is just our being open to receiving that light, no?
Thank you for drawing my angel for me ... for sending him to watch over me ... for finding the courage to share your drawing with me. He is absolutely breathtaking ... radiant ...
I am so glad that you found it within you to pray for forgiveness last night. It seems as if both of our prayers were answered then, by your dream and your awakening to the golden light, with your loving wife by your side. Yes, it is an enchanted world ... more than most people will ever know ... Peace and love to you my dear friend. God Bless.
6/3/2010 I am glad that you heard the pay phone 'ringing on the street' and that you have decided to answer the call. : )
6/5/2010 Maybe sweetness lies in the surrender of yourself ... to something greater than yourself ?
6/6/2010 No ... you are not making it easy for me to keep my promise?! But I can't make myself get angry at you ... I've tried, but it just doesn't work. Something tells me that you already knew this though, or you wouldn't keep writing directly to me. How many times can someone say good-bye? ... And I am smiling as I write this last part, but I shouldn't be ... I need to stay out of your life for now while you focus on you and your wife. Maybe someday ... on down the road ... we can converse as friends once again. You bring a lot of joy into my life and I miss that, but it is selfish of me to ask for that right now. That's why I made the promise that I made ... please help me not break it ... break my promise ... that would hurt me more than you could possibly ever know.
I did take a look at your friends photos as you requested. She has talent, I think, but then I am no expert ... I am just a beginning photographer myself. Still, I left her some hopefully encouraging words. You should write a book, but I would consider other publishing routes. The one you mentioned sounds rather pricey and doesn't get you far in my opinion, but I could be wrong. Take care of yourself my friend. I will miss you! Peace and love and hopefully lots of joy along your way ...
6/7/2010 Early a.m. ... I used to think that if you wanted to hide something from someone, the best place to hide it was right under their nose ... guess that's not always the case ... someone found me in a new secret place meant just for me. I have been tired lately ... I should have been more creative in hiding. I'll have to try again ... And why the new place? Just for me? I've stopped going to therapy for now ... they want to go places I don't want to go ... I'm too tired right now ... maybe at some point in the future I'll try again.
P.M. I just heard that my Grandmother had a heart attack. She is still alive ... just weakened now. She is getting older and says that she's "ready to go home" ... I can relate to that sentiment and as I've said, I don't fear death ... death is not the end, but the beginning of the next phase and a release from this one ... I know all of this ... I truly do believe it, but I'm just not ready to let her go ... not just yet. She has been such a strong and important influence in my life ... almost like an actual parent to me ... a model of strength and courage ... She has been an anchor for me in my life and if I loose her now ... I just don't know if I will be able to hold on myself. Why does God keep asking me give up the people that I love? He can't keep doing that ... It's NOT FAIR!
I'm so tired of being strong and doing what is right ... I'm entitled to be a little selfish, aren't I? I want my grandmother to stay ... just for awhile until I am stronger and I get to see her again ... and not on her death bed ... not that way. I can't handle anymore blows right now ... I just don't have it in me ... not right now ... not today ... maybe tomorrow ... some other day ... but not today ...
My head is pounding from crying so much ... I've tried to pray, but it is harder this time ... closer to home ... so close ... so personal ... I don't want to cry anymore ... I just want to run ... run as fast as I can ... as far as I can ... direction does not matter ... just run, run, run away ... as if that would somehow make it all go away? I want to scream and shout ... Not this! ... Not now! ... but nothing comes out ...
6/8/2010 Of course, I forgive you ... timing is everything ... is it not? I feel you squeezing my hand ... your love and support. It means the world to me right now. I am hanging in there. I cried most of the night, so I am exhausted now. I'm still waiting for a phone call to update me. I'm praying and I hope that no news is good news. I'm trying to force myself to do normal things. Got the kids off to school with smiles ... logged onto Facebook briefly and looked at some art ... photos ... but now, I am going to take a sleeping pill and try to sleep for awhile. I'm sure I'll feel better when I wake up. Then I can start making travel plans ...
Afternoon ... Finally got some firsthand news. Apparently, my grandmother is weakened but the doctor's think that she will be okay. She's been given medication and is now resting comfortably. She is under doctor supervision and will take it easy for this weekend. I will go and visit with her next week.
This news is such an answer to prayers. Praise God! I will get to see my grandmother and not on her deathbed ... or worse ... as I had originally feared. I have slept now and I feel human once again ... the tears have subsided and my head is not pounding anymore. Thank you for your support, prayers, kind and loving words ... beautiful pictures ... You are a beyond a good friend. Your being there for me in my time of need means a lot to me. Peace and love to you my friend.
6/9/2010 What a beautiful flower. I love sunflowers ... so majestic and they always look as if they are smiling ... living in eternal bliss ... wonder what they know that we don't? You must have sent the blue skies this way with your post, for the clouds parted this afternoon and the sun is now gloriously shining. I need to make myself go sit outside and bask in it for awhile. Just praying now that my grandmother is not in too much discomfort and that she does not have any more attacks, or other complications, before my arrival next week. I feel your prayers and good intentions helping to hold me up right now ... they mean the world to me. Thank you, my friend. I don't know why it is so easy for me to let you in ...perhaps because you take me as I am ... you have no expectations or demands ... and you're not afraid to know the real me.
... And I never said, but the poem you wrote for my pondering ... "Tears Are Silent Prayers" ... was very beautiful and moving. Some of the nicest most loving words anyone has ever taken the time to say to me ... for me. I will cherish those words forever. Even as I write this, I know that we will eventually get back to "The Importance of Letting Go" ...
6/10/2010 Thank you for your prayers for my grandmother. They are truly heartfelt and sincerely appreciated. Thank you for your kind words and offer to be there in the future should I need a friend, whether it be for sorrow or for "a wondrous joy to share." I wish that we didn't have to say 'good-bye', but for now I know we both know that it is for the best. I am going to have to buy that book "No Such Place As Far Away" and read it, I think. I've seen too many inspiring quotes come from its pages ... thanks to you, my friend.
Before we part I have one last question and one thought to leave you with. If it is not too personal to ask ... what was the date of your loss of your unborn child? ... Doesn't have to be exact ... just month and year would be helpful ... And do you believe in re-incarnation? Perhaps, it is possible that the soul of your unborn child ... your little angel ... is alive today ... living here, and now, in this world? I can't say for certain, and I don't want to impose my beliefs on you. I am just wondering ... pondering as usual. And maybe this notion gives you hope ... perhaps even some joy? Perhaps, if you believe this, you can pray for the soul of your child in his/her new life in the here and now? But if you prefer to think on your angel as still residing in heaven that is wonderful too ...
You should start painting ... you have a vision and it needs to brought to life ... realized ... shared. You have touched my life in a way that no other has in a very very long time .... I am truly grateful for having your friendship and for having known you even for this short time. I am touched to know that I have helped you find your voice for prayer, for asking for forgiveness and that you now believe in the existence of a heaven. I'm crying as I write these words, but they are not tears of sorrow ... rather they are tears of joy for having had someone as wonderful as you grace my life. And it is good-bye for now ... not forever, as it is so eloquently said in your favorite book ... "No Such Place As Far Away" ...
"Even though we are slowly letting go... know that we are flying freely... across forever. We'll meet now and then, when we wish, in the midst of the one celebration that can never end. (With acknowledgement to Richard Bach, There's no such place as far away)"
This photo is for you and when I think on it in the future, I will remember you as the wind beneath my wings ...
(Copyright @ May 2010, Michelle C. of whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com)
And in these words of yours ... just beautiful ....
"The fondest farewell
Is a whisper
Resting softly
In your heart"
Know that that whisper in my heart will never ... ever ... fade ...
6/11/2010 I entered this photo ... the soaring eagle ... actually, I posted it to a photo group that I've recently joined on FaceBook ... and to my honest surprise, the editor choose this as the photo for the day. Quite an honor for a beginning photographer like me and perhaps a re-enforcing sign that our friendship ... love ... will never fade away.
6/12/2010 Early morning ... 3:45 a.m. WST ... My grandmother seems to be doing well. She is holding her own. I fly at the end of this upcoming week. I'd love to go sooner, but we paid nearly $1,000 for my ticket even then ... and then there is making arrangements for the kids being to taken care of, etc. Just couldn't afford to go any sooner. I have faith that my grandmother will be okay until then ... well I've always had the faith ... the hope ... I was just shaken a bit by the realization that it is time for me to start letting go of such an important part of my life. I am at peace with this now and I know that I will be able to handle it when the time comes ... I won't fall completely apart as I had originally felt ...feared. I am proud of myself for not resorting to denial this time ... for not withdrawing once again, but then I didn't do it alone ... did I? Thank you again, my dear ... dear friend.
Afternoon ... I went to bed early last night. I was exhausted for some reason? I was actually in bed, asleep by 9 a.m. which is very unusual for me. The kids were wired and up with poor Ken. I awoke at 1:24 a.m. to a quiet house and was wide awake. I could not get back to sleep. So I went on-line and was looking at art ... photos ... getting ideas .... inspiration. Around 4 o'clock a.m., I was still wide awake ... I went on Facebook and checked in on my niece's page (Gabbie ... she is my god-daughter and we have a lot in common). Gabbie had a drawing tool, for fun, called "Graffitti" ... so I set it up on my page and started drawing. It was a lousy tool, not very refined ... so my end picture ... drawn with a bad wrist and my right hand ( I am supposedly left handed ) wound up looking like something that I would have drawn when I was seven or eight years old. The funny thing was I felt like an innocent child of 7 or 8 when I drew that picture and afterwards I was sleepy enough to go back to bed for awhile.
Around lunch time my father called with the news that my Grandmother had passed in her sleep during the night. I guess that is why I woke up and could not get back to sleep? And as for being 7 or 8 again. That was the begining of my spending summers with my Grandmother in Minnesota. Some of the most memorable and enjoyable times in my life. I honestly didn't feel my Grandmother's death coming, but then maybe I have been in denial about that because I was not sure that I could actually handle it ... and truth be told, I don't want my 'psychic' abilities to include being able to forsee the death of others. I also felt a strong presence of my angel with me yesterday ... and not just the presence, I could actually see and feel a warm glowing light behind me. I thought that this feeling and seeing an angel presence around me was strange at the time. I kept thinking why? Why now? Now, I know why ...
And I haven't fallen completely apart ... not yet anyway ... I am truly sad and break in tears unexpectedly ... but I'm hanging in there. Maybe she'll come and say good-bye to me yet ... since I was unable to make it to her in time. I did have a really nice phone conversation with her about a week ago ... and she said some really special and inspiring things to me then ... looking back, it was almost as if she knew in her heart that that would be the last time that we would speak to one another in this earthly form.
I guess that I am lucky ... I have never had to attend a funeral of someone that I dearly, dearly loved. I have lost some of these people ... among them, my mother's mom ... my other Grandmother ... when I was a poor college student, many years ago, and could not afford to travel to the funeral. I don't know if I have it in me to attend the funeral for my Grandmother Jeanne ... I understand why there is a funeral, but to my way of thinking the body is no longer my Grandmother ... her spirit has been set free ... I don't know .... I have thinking and soul searching to do on this yet ....
Thankfully, this time Ken is here for me ... I didn't just get a pat on the back with the statement "Well, she's getting old ... you knew her time was coming." ... this time. And I think that I understand better now ... the latter response from Ken was not because Ken doesn't care ... it was because he can't stand to see me hurting ...
6/13/2010 Thank you for your beautiful post about heaven ... your moving words. You have been a dear and supportive friend to me during this difficult time for me. I am so very grateful for you ... and I do feel you squeezing my hand. God Bless you, my friend ... until we meet again.
6/14/2010 The funeral will be on Monday, next ... and I have decided not to go. I just don't have it in me ... I will say good-bye in my own way. I think that my Grandmother Jeanne already found a way to say a special good-bye to me in the form of the shooting star that I saw zip across the horizon, the day that she passed, as I watched and photographed the sunset in memory of her. I am very sad today ... hard to motivate to do much of anything, but saying good-bye is a process ... I just have to let myself find a way to work through it ...
Thank you for the margarita recipe ... that is one of the few mixed drinks that I have had and actually like. Fancy adult lemon or limeade, with tequila, no? Maybe this weekend I will feel up to having one and I'll toast to my Grandmother. So that's how you spell tequila ... I was wondering about that : ) ... See you've gone and made me smile ... a near impossible feat on a day like today. I'll keep an eye out for that trail of flowers. ... And hopefully, one of these days I will find the time and focus to post-process my IR images.
6/19/2010 The funeral is on Monday ... And I'm not going and I'm okay with that. I hope that others are okay with that too, but if they are not that is their problem and not mine. I've found my own way to say good-bye.
My mother, father, one sister and a brother left for Minnesota today. They are the strong ones ... the ones that need connections ... I am glad that they were able to go ... they needed to go ... They will be there to support each other. All I can do now is pray for peace in the hearts and minds of those that will attend. I know that my Grandmother would want that ... And her seven children have all finally agreed to give her a full-blown Catholic mass. She would have wanted that too.
So this has been my year for learning how to let go, no? One lesson right after the other ... actually some simultaneously ... I wonder sometimes, does each good-bye harden me ... make me more closed off ... less likely to ever really let anybody in? Then just as quickly, of course, I change the subject in my mind ... I have a huge heart ... I'll always care for others ... even those I've never ever met ... I'm just not as likely to let them love me in return ... I get all the love I need from heaven above anyway ...
P.S. ... And yes, the airlines allowed me to change my ticket dates ... even the destination ... to accomodate my future travel plans ... so thankfully, I'm not out near a thousand dollars.
6/20/2010 : ) I felt it ...
6/21/2010 My Grandmother's funeral was today. My mother called from Minnesota today, she says it went well and was truly beautiful ... (she left me a message on the answering machine) ... Today is the summer solstice ... after today less and less light from the sun will shine in our world ... a ftting metaphor for light that has been extinguished by my Grandmother's absence in my life ...
... Well that's how I feel today anyway ... and I'm entitled to my feelings ... I'm sure I'll feel differently tomorrow ... or the next ... or maybe the one after that ...
6/22/2010 I am glad that you have started painting ... keep doing ...
"Perspective ..."
(Copyright @June 2010 Michelle C., of whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved)
The theme in my photograhy group right now is 'Alone in Black and White' ... does this one fit? I won't submit it though ... not really in the mood today ... And everyone is SO NICE ... no one really offers any useful criticism. I don't need someone to "blow smoke ..." ... well you know the rest. I need useful critique so that I can learn, grow ... improve ...
The universe does indeed work in mysterious ways ... Here I am complaining about lack of useful criticism for my work ... I log out of here and log into my Flickr account, where I keep my photography photos ... portfolio of sorts ... and I find that I have a Flickr mail message? New to me? So I open the message and it turns out that an editor has short-listed one of my cemetery photos (the statue of the one handed girl descending the steps with the lilly) for publication in an upcoming edition of Schmaps (Schmaps). There is no fee to be paid ... but who cares?! ... What an honor to have someone choose one of my photos for publication in anything? Maybe, I'm not doing so bad after all and it takes something like this to knock me upside the head so that I can see that ... Yes, I can be a bit thick headed at times ... especially when it comes to seeing the good in me ...
Link to my photo selected for publication shortlist
Selection of photos will be made by Friday, July 2nd. I'll let you know what happens ...
And yes, God I hear you ... Sometimes you just have to holler at me ... I like my music loud. ; )
6/23/2010 Thank you for your comment on my tower keep "perspective" photo. You have an artists eye ... a way of hitting the nail right on the head. I agree with your comment and suggestion. I am trying to learn the software. Time is an issue, but the kids will be leaving soon for a visit with the grandparents ... so I will have a dedicated block of time to myself shortly.
I feel bad ... I've said good-bye ... many times over and yet somehow, I keep drawing you back in ... I am so glad that you were there for me during my trying to cope with Grandmother's death. I think that the worst is behind me now, so please don't worry about me. You are a good friend ... I value our friendship, but I value your marriage and my promise more. How would your wife feel if she knew you were still communicating with me ... even indirectly? It's odd ...the roles for me have been reversed ... Maybe now I have an inkling as to what it is like to be the other woman? Although we've done nothing romantic ... just words ... just friends ...
I am sorry that I keep pulling you in ... I still need to write here in order to cope ... to stay sane ... to grow and not shut myself off again. So please ... for now just STOP READING ... Don't leave me any "bread crumbs" or a trail of photos, prose, art and flowers. Just focus on you and Mary ... prove my husband wrong ... prove that men and women CAN be just friends. Maybe somewhere on down the line that's what we'll be once again ... I can't say good-bye anymore ... I don't have any good-byes left right now ... I'm aftraid I've used the last one up on my Grandmother ...
1:00 p.m. ... I saw after I wrote this that there is a new painting and a new painting for the day on the ArtMagick website: "The Merciless Lady" ... And I wonder is this coincidence? Which came first ... the chicken or the egg? And have I trusted so many of my deep dark secrets to a safe place after all? ... Then I wonder, Am I merciless? Is that what I have been to a dear friend? I just want to be loved ... to have someone see the good in me ...
I think that of all of the photos that I have taken thus far ... the Tower Keep "Perspective" is the one that most defines me ... and it doesn't need any photo editing ... the islands and the water are supposed to lack tonal variation for on high, looking down, everything really does look the same ... there is no variation.
I belong in the tower ... I am safest in the Tower ... I shouldn't have tried to come down ... People only get hurt when I do ... I open myself up to being hurt ... So has my year++ of struggle and revelation been for naught? I can't say right now ... And I'm no longer silly enough to think that anyone would or even should try to rescue me ... I gave that illusion up many many decades ago ... a lifetime ago ... I can only rescue myself ... if I choose to do so ...
Song: "I will not bow", By Breaking Benjamin
12/15/2010 I guess that they've enabled a new stats feature for blogs now? It doesn't tell you much, just how many page views you get and which posts seem to be the most popular. I was surprised to find that since July 2010 my readership has gone from maybe 100 hits a month to 1,000? I've had about 1,000 hits per month since July? Weird ... I don't really write for an audience. I truly write to stay sane, to keep things in perspective ... to have a meaningful conversation with myself? Well, whatever the case ... maybe I am helping someone else who is struggling with similar issues as myself? Or perhaps some grad student is using me as a source for their thesis in psychology?
So if you've read up to this point, you must be wondering: Does the trail just go cold after this? Answer: No. I'm still writing, but the issues have gotten a bit more complex maybe and I needed another place to write. I left a clue on my main blog a few months ago, but it's not really a place I want many others to go ...
[1/23/2011: writing in another, separate blog ... same clue, hidden in the July-August 2010 timeframe posts still applies ... this new blog is currently password protected, but it hasn't always been and it may open up once again at some point.]
Marc Chagall, Russian (French) artist, 7 July 1887 – 28 March 1985
This is the angel from your close-up sketch, no?
Would you create a guardian angel for me? In truth, I think I must have an entire army of angels watching out for me or at the very least two large bodybuilding types, with infinite wisdom and foresight. ; )
.... I think that I like this artist as well ... his images are very powerful ... deeply moving works ... I see his influence in your work.
... And tears? Well, yes ....
... When I was a small child, I used to think that if you cried too much ... you'd actually run out of tears ...
... Well, it's what I used to tell myself anyway ....
I don't believe the above anymore ... I actually believe that there is a universal, never-ending river of sorrow from which we all draw our tears ....
Some of us ... the passionate souls ... creative souls? ... have a more profound link ... connection ... I think ...with this river ....
Truth be told, I actually pity those who can't find it within themselves to cry ... that is the weakness ... not the tears themselves. Tears are cleansing ... healing in their own magical sort of way ...
"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development,
invariably excites the sensitive soul to to tears" ~Edgar Allan Poe
Hmmm ... (teary smile)
I wonder where abouts this mystical river may reside? Pondering this, perhaps, gives me leave to dry my weary eyes ....
Song: "Have you Ever Seen the Rain", By John Fogerty and CCR
Late P.M. ...
I took some quiet time to put my writing area back in order again ... I can sit and write now ... and actually find reference materials I need. Was thinking about the ArtMagick, 'Thoughtful, Bemused' album and my friend, my past love ... my friend ...
... After much thought, I realize that it's not that I don't want to hear from him ... it's the way this album conjured up all of the uncertainty ... the not knowing if this time it was really him or not again ... that's what I was rejecting ... I don't think that if he finally did decide to say "hello" that that is the way that he would choose to finally make contact with me ... (he can just ask my sister for my email, phone, etc.) ... he wouldn't write to me in an album, not after witnessing my many months of pain of suffering mostly because of these albums, among other things ... even if he was the author of the album.
I have awakened, these past few months, on some profound level, and I don't want to go back inside my shell ... to deny, supress and withdraw once again ... and I will sincerely try not to. I'll just try to keep an open heart ... focus on the here and now ... and see what happens. Soon, I'll be another year older and wiser? ... biologically speaking anyway, somehow I think I'll always be a young innocent child at heart ...
Song: '21 Guns', By Greenday
4/24/2010 Quote of my day: "There is a fine line between being thorough and being expeditous." ~Me to my brilliant, logical, methodical, but lovable husband ... Can you say bright, shiney object? ; )
4/25/2010
... Well, just realized ... after a day of reflection that this is one of the things that made me fall in with Ken in the first place ... his ability to loose himself so completely in whatever he was doing ... just like a child ... a little boy ... so I shouldn't be so quick to criticize, no?
Copyright @April 2010 Michelle C. of whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com
[Gorgeous day in Seattle yesterday ... this photo taken by me from atop the Space Needle ... Look closely, in the top right and you can even make out Mount Ranier (Better photo of Ranier below). Turns out that this mammoth mountain IS actually a volcano?!! And here I was thinking that Mt. St. Helen's was our closest volcano?!!! Well, if ya gotta go ... guess, death by volcano would be going out in a blaze of glory, no?]
Busy, but FUN day today ... 1 and 1/2 weeks ago, my sweet little niece, and god-daughter, Ella sent me a 'Flat Stanley' (popular kids book series) of herself to take on wild adventures and then return with photos, artifacts, and the full story. Last weekend, we took 'Flat Ella' to the waterfalls ... this weekend we brought her into Seattle proper for a harbor cruise and a trip up into the space needle. It was another gorgeous day here in the Pacific Northwest ... topped only by the exquisite Indian food meal that I made for dinner and then washed down with 2 full glasses of the most extra-ordinary chenin blanc (white wine ... which I usually don't care for? ... and I seldom drink either ...). Too tipsy to remember or spell names of dishes I made or the wine, but I am smiling and happy ... good day ... good weekend ... life is good ... : ) : ) : )
Photo taken by me ... from viewing deck of the Space Needle (520 ft. @viewing deck ... 605 ft. total height of Space Needle), sunny gorgeous day Sunday, April 25, 2010 ...
Copyright @April 2010 Michelle C. of whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com
[Mount Ranier ... the Mountain you see towering above the clouds when you fly into the Emerald City.]
4/26/2010 Something good did come from the internet this past weekend. A friend of mine sent me photos from his travels in Indonesia and India. : )
I love to see the world through the eyes of another ... through their photos. Photos can tell you a lot about the artist capturing the image ... photograph ... subtle little details ... that is, if you happen to be looking for these hidden insights ... You know me: I love the mysterious ... being mysterious, as well as unraveling the mysterious! ; ) I love to see the different moods, angles, perspectives ... what one finds relevant ... interesting ... and another does not. Anyway, I spent many minutes ... over an hour? ... viewing and enjoying this friend's snaps of his recent travels. Thank you, Abhilash for taking the time to take these photos and post them for me. Love them! : ) : ) : ) : )
It always amazes me how photography can bridge the language barrier as well. An image speaks in a universal language to people of all dialects ... it forms a bridge ... opens a dialogue for further communication ... then you find a way to muddle through the rest of it. I JUST LOVE IT!! ... on SO MANY different levels!! I have honestly made friends from all over the world because of photography ... What other medium, I wonder, is capable of providing these sorts of opportunities for friendship, collaboration ... understanding between people of different cultures from all over the globe?
When was the last time you took a moment to stop and see the world through the eyes of another?
4/27/2010 Something is seriously wrong with me?! This past week, or so, I have been SO incredibly hungry ... I actually have an appetite once again?! And what's even stranger, is that since my surgery I now suddenly have a newfound patience for following a recipe (very uncharacteristic for me): Weird?!!! Don't get me wrong ... I still like to 'wing-it', but lately I have seem to have a taste for unique and exotic foods. These more exotic foods (or at least foreign to my regular repertoire) require following a recipe ... and oddly enough, I have been able to follow several recipes through to the end without screwing them up or giving up in frustration. Guess it is because I can now eat again, actually have an appetite and enjoy food for a change? All of this cooking, recipe following, and end product of great food has actually been rather fun? Shhhh ... but don't tell anyone ... don't want to ruin my reputation, or anything. ; )
Last night, after having leftovers for dinner ... because I've been cooking so much the refrigerator was FULL: I suddenly had a craving for peach cobbler. As luck would have it, I just happened to have ALL of the required ingredients on hand. Now, I'm not one who ever eat sweets ... I truly just don't care for them ... don't like the way that I feel after the sugar rush. There are, however, 2 exceptions to my typical 'eat no desserts' mode of operation: 1) key lime pie and 2) southern peach cobbler, with French vanilla icecream.
The key lime pie ... well I really have to be in the mood for something decadent in order to eat the key lime pie ... but the peach cobbler, I could eat that anytime! YUM!!! Problem is that there just aren't many places that serve peach cobbler up here (Spring Creek BQ, in Texas, made an okay cobbler ... but they don't have Spring Creek here). The one dessert my mother used to make, on a regular basis, was peach cobbler and it was my absolute favorite! Is to this day too, but I have not had peach cobbler in over two years now?! Too long ... so last night, I went on-line, found a recipe and made a delicious homemade peach cobbler . My cobbler turned out pretty good, but it wasn't as good as my mom's. I will have to call my mother and get her recipe.
With all of my cooking lately -- and now actually baking something other than Christmas cookies -- Ken is concerned that I may not be feeing well. Did they mess something up during the surgery? But he isn't complaining too much ... the Italian in him loves to eat! ; ) And Ken is happy to help out wherever he can. Last night, he ran to the store at 8:00 p.m. to pick up the French Vanilla icecream to go with the homemade cobbler. He even brought flowers back for me and a jar of my favorite garlic stuffed olives. What a great guy, no?
When I get my mom's peach cobbler recipe: I'll post it here for you to enjoy if you want.
Have a fabulously AWESOME day! ... Do something WILD and CRAZY ... just for FUN!! ... break out of your norm and let the world know that you're ALIVE! : ) : ) Peace ...
4/28/10 Dreaming Butterflies? ... It is all a matter of perspective, no? No such place as faraway ... sounds like a lovely tale and an even lovelier place. I see you've tried your hand at water photography as well. Still waters ... my favorite for reflecting ... And did the sleeping giant ever awaken? One last thought ... have you seen the new movie "Where the Wild Things Are"? Something tells me you will enjoy it immensely : ) Surely you've read the children's book?
I was thinking some more on your vision ... and I do think that it was calling for you to awaken to some greater purpose for being in your own life. I can't say for sure what that calling is ... only you can say for certain, but perhaps it has something to do with becoming a father? That is just a feeling that I get ... you'll have to let know how far off base I am. : ) ... Anyway, I think that you would make a truly amazing father.
4/29/2010 Never did get a chance to thank you for your brilliant insight into my sudden urge to visit and photgraph cemeteries. While everyone else thought I was nuts and that my photographing in cemeteries was "creepy" ... you were very supportive offering links on IR and nighttime photography ... sharing similiar photos taken by others and some of your own nighttime photos.
I never would have made the connection without your insight "that a part of me desperately wanted to rest in peace ... to be at peace". Well, I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon ... but I am at peace in a way that I have not been in a very long time and it is largely due to wonderful people like you who have recently come into my life. Truly, I am so grateful for your friendship and insights. God Bless! ... And know that I will experiment with the IR photography; it's at the very top of my things to do list. : )
P.S. Of course, I love your cheerleader insight most of all (now that I finally get it ... sorry don't watch much TV): "Save the cheerleader ... save the world." ... love it ... ; )
4/30/2010 My birthday ... my REAL birthday ... is in over just two weeks now ... And as another year passes and a new one begins ... I begin to reflect on ALL that I have been through this past year. How much I have grown ... learned ... and come to accept. It has been a year like no other to be certain ...
As I reread what I wrote about death above, and in previous posts, and I glance over an email to a friend on the subject of the eight deaths of man, I wonder ... How many times have I died in this life? ... spiritually? ... emotionally? ... perhaps even intellectually? I have come close to dying physically too, but I prefer not dwell on those times ... other than to be grateful for the forces that carried me through to see another day.
As I reflect on my deaths ... I see the strength of rebirth that has emerged with me each time ... and I marvel at what I am yet to become ...
5/2/2010 Late ... late evening ... into the next day ... You haven't written in awhile ... I am worried about you. I love what you wrote about the muse ... what an insightful and emotionally charged personal insight. Very beautiful notion ... one that perhaps helps to lessen the pain of its burden, no? Is your muse missing these days? Maybe she's on vacation with my Guardian Angel? You never know ... I could use a vacation ... how about you? Perhaps you and Mary will take one soon. You both are in my ongoing prayers. God Bless!
5/3/2010 A friend of mine reminded me today the joys of dancing in the rain. Remember when you were a kid and a calm spring rain would cry gently upon the earth. You'd hope that there was no lightening so that mom would let you go out into the rain and jump in the glorious puddles. Raincoat? Rain boots? Who needs them ... the wetter the better, right? Splash, splash ... stomp ... giggle as a tidal wave of water envelops you ... hopping joyfully from one puddle to the next.
Ah ... that wonderful feeling of wild abandon ... the freedom ... as if you were privy to a world seldom glimpsed by others. The earthworms peeking out from their burrows ... some big ... monstrous ... others so tiny and delicate. They too would wiggle and squirm doing their own version of the dance ... and if you picked them up they'd tickle you ever so that it'd be hard not drop them. Prisms of raindrops perched delicately on newly opened leaves ... angel kisses from heaven above. I haven't danced in the rain in awhile ... at least not this past year. Used to have fun doing it with my kids when they were little, but they seem to be outgrowing that these days ... sad. I wonder if my hard year has been hard on them too?
When was the last time you danced in the rain? Come dance with me : ) ....
[ Lunchtime ... Here I am writing about the joys of rain ... meanwhile, the southeastern U.S. is being pounded with relentless rains and flooding. I had no idea? But as I was writing the above, I was thinking on what comes after the rain ... the beautiful, breathtaking rainbows.
Anyway, I haven't watched much news lately ... news just brings me down lately ... very depressing. Turned on today (at lunch), however, to watch U.N. Nuclear Weapons Summit coverage and saw the headline regarding flooding. Well, now that I know ... I can pray ... and I am 'storming' heaven for those folks as we speak. Why not take a moment to pray with me? Peace ... ]
5/4/2010 Feeling RESTLESS again .. I must be officially on the mend, no? ; ) Still eating good, gaining weight, no stomach pain and back into almost my full exercise routine. Spent this past weekend doing 'spring' cleaning and restoring order to the war zone that had become my house. Now, I need to do something wild and crazy?! Not sure what TO DO, but it will come to me ...
I want to try hang-gliding, but Ken is not too keen on that ... on me going or going with me. So that may have to wait ... but I need to do something. Bungee jumping? Which would you rather do: hang-glide or bungee jump? Is there a lesser evil where these two are concerned? Guess, I would settle for a hot air balloon ride ... maybe ... or sailing again? Other suggestions? ... Hmmm ... Ken's always going on about a friend from work whose wife does belly dancing ... wonder if I take that up if I could persuade him to do the hang-gliding with me? Hear its a great workout for the stomach and abs ... ; ) [ FYI: I just happen to be listening to the song 'Desert Rose', By Sting right now ... that's what made the belly dancing idea pop into my head ... the universe works in mysterious ways, no? ; ) ]
My crazy, dare-devil brother wants to go to some island (off coast of California or Mexico) where great white sharks are known to live in large numbers and go cage diving with these monsters?! Even if they're not viciously agressive, they are just amazingly HUGE ... mammoth in size!!! I mean, isn't one of their teeth like near half the size of a human head? I'm quite confident that cage diving with great white sharks would NEVER be on my WANT to do list (then again ... "never say never" ... is my motto ; ) but I can see where my brother gets that drive to do something wild and crazy and I can respect that in him. Love you Aaron! : )
(Amazing Photo by, Eric Coulthard ... http://eric-coulthard.com/TripPhotos.cgi?year=2006&day=June+17&type=Scrambling&trip=Pyramid+Mountain&index=-1&up= )
I'm on top of my mountain, looking down and my spirit needs to SOAR! Where are you today?
(But for now ... I'm going to mind my p's and q's and go pay the rent on my lunch hour : )- ... ah, the mundane ... keeps us balanced, I suppose ... ; )
Joyful spring day to you: Hope the sun is shining in all its illustrious brilliance wherever you may happen to be. Peace!
P.S. A big CONGRATULATIONS!!! To a dear friend who just successfully established his own company and is now one step closer to achieving his dream of being his own boss and doing business HIS way. I am SO, SO VERY HAPPY for you, Abhilash. I will be praying for your company's success! Have fun celebrating!!! God Bless!
5/5/2010 Just because I promised ... gave my word ... that I would not speak to someone, doesn't mean that I suddenly stop caring about them as a person. I still wish only the very best for them ... for peace ... happiness ... and much love in their lives. And of course, I still worry when I don't hear from them (see signs of current activity in their web presence). That's just my nature, I guess ... no changing it at this point in the game ...
Thus ... I am elated that I did finally hear someting from you! : ) : ) I'll take that as sign that you are alive and doing well : ) Peace to you, my dear friend. Know that you are in my ongoing thoughts and prayers. God Bless!
The Flower of Rememberance
(Photo By, Karen Andrews of Miscellaneous Adventures of an Aussie Mom )
Another friend that I did not give my word on ... has not written in awhile either, but he is single, a father, working essentially three jobs ... and looking for love ... so I can see where he may not have time to write. Gosh it makes me exhausted just listing all of that stuff?!! Geeze Paul, how do you do it ALL and stay sane? Oh, well long as you're happy: that's what counts! : ) : ) : ) Will you post your band's demo at some point, or is that not a good thing to do ... copyrights and all? Would love to hear if it is possible ...
And per your FB status badge on your blog: Why do you "Hope they serve beer in hell"? What have you gone and done now? Something else I need to add to my prayer list for you? ; ) Anyway, still keeping you in my prayers for good things in your life and your father's continued improvement on his health. God Bless!
5/6/2010 I have officially NOT been on Facebook for over 3 weeks now. Proud of me? Ken can't believe it ... guess he doesn't me know me that well ... once I set my mind on something its a done deal. Will power is not an area where I am lacking ... well let's just leave it at that. I miss some of my photography friends from Facebook ... they probably wonder what's happened to me. Perhaps they'll think I'm some sort of spy gone off on a super important super secret mission? ; )
So I've made great strides in the proving I can give up Facebook department. Not made much progress in other departments though (i.e., working through inability to connect with old friends). Somehow I think that's gonna take more than 4 weeks ...
My birthday is fast approaching ... just over a week now. Another year older ... another year wiser? I bought wine at the grocery store on Tuesday (Ken usually does this ... he has better luck in picking selections than me ... plus he has a wireless handheld that can access on-line databases for recommendations and ratings) ... anyway, the clerk asked to see my ID at the checkout ... come on? Surely I can pass for 21? Oh, well it was a boost to my ego ... and they did wish me a happy early birthday. : ) So perhaps I'm not far off on my previous assessment "age is a state of mind ... and I'm not a day over 25, okay maybe 27"? ... And the wine ... turned out to be pretty good ... even without the benefit of on-line referencing ... although it could have stood a bit more aging: Jacob's Creek Shiraz 2006 (Australia). Might go back and pick up a few more bottles for later ... after they've aged a bit more.
Finally found something to do with my restlessness ... It's a secret for now though. Will reveal shortly ... until then, you'll just have to be in suspense ... as if, right? ; ) Surely you've better things to concern yourself with ...
Well for those of you with wives (x-wives), mothers, sisters or friends who are MOTHERS be sure to let them know what a great job they're doing and how important they are in your lives. Breakfast in bed, flowers, offers to do some of the dirty work around the house ... a certificate for a professional massage ... Starbuck's giftcard, etc. ... will surely be appreciated. [ YES: IT IS MOTHER'S DAY THIS UPCOMING WEEKEND ... just in case you happened to be wondering?! ]
Have a joyful and blessed weekend. Peace ...
5/9/2010
Weekend Retreat in the San Juan Islands for Ken and me ... technically speaking: our very FIRST weekend away from kids, since having kids ... (sad, I know,but true). These islands are very beautiful, very pristine, and rustic. So naturally one wonders: what kind of wildlife will you find roaming about on these islands? Thus, the first question I asked upon departing the ferry onto Orcas Island was: "Are there bears or cougars on the island?" Don't laugh! When I'm in strange territory, I like to know what I am up against, that's all. : )- 'Forwarned is forearmed' or something like that, isn't it? Anyway, I was emphatically reassured by the owner of the inn where we were staying that there were NOT, in fact, any of the latter animals on Orcas island --the island where we happened to be staying on for this particular visit. So: no worries, right? WRONG!
Last night, as we lay reclined in the warm, soothing Jacuzzi --right outside of the little cottage where we were staying-- with the lights all dimmed so to enable a better viewing of the nighttime sky ... a strange and rather ominous presence, a creature of the night, paid us an unexpected visit ...
Yes, as we lay reclining, in what I had thought had been a pocket of warm, bubbly, protective relaxation ... without sound or warning, a HUGE shadow -- with easily a four foot wing span? -- swept silently through the darkness of the surrounding night ... literally just FEET --about 3 ft.-- away from the back of my husband's head. My heart skipped a few beats and I held my breath as the creature's claws thankfully continued along a path that led it to a precarious perch atop a tall tree not twenty feet away. "Did you just see that?!" I exclaimed to a clueless Ken, but he had been turned at an angle, away, from the huge winged beast and thus had not seen the huge creature swoop by in the nearby vicinity of him.
"Huge wingspan ..." I managed to get out. " ... Just flew over ... not 3 feet away ... It must be an owl?!" I continued. "Look, he's perched on top of that tall tree right over there." I pointed to the huge dark shadow atop the nearby tree with a shaky hand. Ken turned with skepticism to get a better view for himself.
Said tree top bent painfully in sway, lilting off to the left, under the weight of this nightly winged majestic beast.
"Wow?! That's HUGE?!!" Ken said, with surprise.
"Ya think?!" I thought to myself.
We sat watching the owl for several minutes, but he showed no signs of moving anytime soon. Ken suddenly decided that he needed to go inside for something. "I'll be right back." He announced, as he extracted himself from the Jacuzzi.
"You're leaving me ALONE ... ALONE out here with that THING?!" I asked incredulously.
"Oh, he's not going to bother with you. He's too busy looking for something that's scurrying along the ground right now. Sit tight: I'll be right back ... " Ken replied, and with that he went inside the cottage ... leaving me ALL ALONE with the huge owl. Well, I wasn't going to take my eyes off this winged fella ... not for ONE second. "I'm bigger than he is right?" I tried to reassure myself, as I sank back into the safety of the bubbles.
The creature sat unmoving, unflinching, save for his huge luminous eyes. He was easily the size of a two-year old child, and he now sat pondering me. I, for my part, sat frozen in my cocoon of bubbling water, not daring to move, let alone scarcely breathe; I pondered back this strange creature's pondering of me. "Surely some mouse, or rabbit, would make a tastier feast than me?" I reasoned. I guess the winged creature happened to agree, for after a good five minutes he took to flight once again, sailing away ... to my great relief ... in the opposite direction of me. "Whew?!!!!" I sighed, finally finding the nerve to breathe again.
Tis true I adore things with wings ... but maybe not so much wings, with claws, moving stealthily under cover of the darkness of night, in the nearby vicinity of ME ... Especially those things capable of extracting blood and pain?!!? As I began to breathe and relax once again, I wondered: was this visitation an omen? A sign ... a message meant for me? Perhaps the owl is my animal totem? [I've always wondered about that: what is my animal totem? I've never been able to say for certain? I wonder, does everyone have an animal totem? ] ... "You think too much, Michelle." I tried to convince myself ... sinking further down into the warm massaging bubbles ... "Try to relax." My husband, Ken, finally came back outside from the tiny cottage and reiterated the same.
(Image Source Unknown?)
"Do you think he'll be back?" I wondered aloud.
"Nope, probably snacking on a nice tasty treat as we speak." Ken tried to reassure me. Then, he tried to distract me with reading of stars and constellations so brilliantly illuminated in the tranquil country sky. Ken pointed out the lynx, then moved onto the constellation of Cancer. As we moved from Cancer toward the constellation of Virgo ... another unexpected --this time wonderful-- surprise lit up the nighttime sky: it was a shooting star. : ) A beautifully glowing, dancing star ... that almost appeared to be smiling at me. As I took in its brilliant dance, moving gracefully across the indigo sky, falling in a spiral from Cancer towards Virgo, I smiled my own smile. Then, I made a wish ... thinking to myself ... "God does indeed work in mysterious ways" ... and I have every confidence that He has been working all along to make my wish come true.
... And we did see lots of other wildlife while on the island as well, including: a huge osprey landing in its mammoth nest, a walrus, dolphins, Harbor seals, Canadian geese, deer and more. I must have taken near 1,000 pictures. Haven't gone through them yet to see how they turned out, but I am hopeful that I got some good shots. It was a very relaxing and renewing weekend. I'm glad that we made the effort to go to the San Juans ... even just for the weekend.
P.S. Here is the link to some of my photos in a Flickr album: http://www.flickr.com/photos/isas_fallingstar/sets/72157624038013964/
5/11/2010
Eagle taking to flight off of Mount Constitution, San Juan Islands
My new fav song ... it's about standing perched atop your mountain, looking down and being brave enough ... having faith enough ... to just leap ... to let your spirit soar and take flight ... to color your world ...
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Thank you Michelle, I am glad I can bring you some support in your time of need. I can't express in words, all that you have done for me. You have truly bought me closer to God. Since knowing you, I have prayed with a sincerity never before, found the courage to ask for forgiveness, and had such a profound experience, that I no longer have any doubt in my belief that heaven exists. Not forgetting, all of the kindness and compassion that you have shown me. Even though the letting go is necessary, please know that while there is breath in my body, you will always have a friend that is here for you. If ever, you are grief stricken or feel like beating the world to a pulp with your fists, I will make time to comfort you and lift your spirits. And if ever, you have a wonderous joy to share, then I would love to hear from you. You know where to find me, should you feel that you are able. And I will continue to find things to say and show you in my blog. There was so much I felt inspired to share... And I am hoping I can start to paint soon too... I have the face of an angel looking down from the clouds, holding a precious soul... which I need to paint. God Bless, my friend.
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