Universe can be a pretty f****** cruel teacher at times???

One of the worst things about being sexually violated is that on some level it never completely leaves you.  It's always waiting there to rear its ugly head, when you least expect it, even years and sometimes decades later.  It isn't enough that they took something from you back then --a little piece of you that you'll never fully recover-- it affects the choices you feel comfortable making from that day forward in ways you couldn't even begin to imagine at the outset of your healing process. I guess, the question then becomes --at some point-- they took something from you back then, at the outset of your struggle, so are you going to allow their actions to continue to have power over you in the here and now, and evermore moving forward?

Here I thought I was done with my healing for the most part.  I mean I finished my degree, embarked upon a career path, managed to allow a man into my life, even married and was able to have three beautiful children.  So when I look back, I have to think I've come so incredibly far, right?  Then all of a sudden you find yourself face to face with an obstacle you hadn't even expected and the next thing you know your entire future depends upon your ability to rise above yet another challenge, and at a time of extreme stress which never bodes well for emotional/psychological outcomes.  The universe can be a pretty f******* cruel teacher at times, I think ... Least that's how I feel sitting here now with a bottle of wine. Good news is I'm completely exhausted.  Haven't slept more than 3.5 hours in 4 days.  Maybe my head and heart will clear after I crash?  Maybe I will find the courage to stay on the path yet again??????  Maybe I've come as far along the path as I'm meant to come .......

9/8/2018  After a few days contemplation, and some much needed sleep. My head and heart have cleared. I've decided, I'm not crazy for speaking up. For setting boundaries and declaring that my body is sacred. No one has a right to touch me, regardless of the circumstances, without my express consent. Maybe, I've been put here in this place and time and situation to speak up for others. To be a voice for those who don't have the experience or courage to speak up themselves? After consulting with a friend of mine in a similar profession, I've decided to write a professionally objective letter and then follow the chain of command. That way I have written proof of my objections should the need for subsequent legal action arise, which I sincerely hope it won't. But always be prepared, right? ... On another matter, speaking about "the Universe" got me to thinking a bit more about what I Believe.  These days people seem to be proponents of a God-centered perspective or a universe-centered perspective, as if the two are mutually exclusive?  Well, that's my experience/take anyway.  But upon finishing the above bottle of wine it occurred to me that God, or "The Creator" --which is my naming preference-- is actually THE enlightened consciousness that provides order amidst the all-encompassing chaos that IS the universe.  The Super Ego to the Id & Ego, if you will?  Think I'm onto something here????

9/21/2018  Well, I wound up having to remove myself from this particular situation.  I din't want to give in and leave, because initially I had thought that my perpetrators get to win again even all these years later.  Now, having chosen to step away from the situation --to leave-- I see now that I was meant to pursue an alternate path.  Moreover leaving this bad situation wasn't giving up, instead it was having the courage and faith to step BLINDLY into the unknown in order to be presented with an alternate path. I also think that the primary individual I had issues with was a perpetrator (S.B.) himself.  He kept finding ways to touch me and I could literally feel his negative energy and mal-intent emanating from him even in the absence of outright assault.  It was downright overwhelming and I shouldn't have to deal with that.  I tried to go through the chain of command to get help, but none was readily forthcoming.  So I'm not going to feel bad about myself for not being able to stick it out.  Life is too short to settle and "stick it out."  Sometimes, the bigger/better person is the one who finds the courage to walk away from a bad situation and not the one who tries to find a way to stick it out.

9/26/2018 We have a huge Graffiti whiteboard in our office where everyone has scribbled --still scribbles-- their favorite quotes. Some quotes are self-composed, while others are famously familiar.  Little dabs of colored artwork/doodles dot the huge board as well.  In sum, this board is a major source of daily inspiration for me, especially as my three beautiful daughters have each shared a little piece of themselves here with me.  As I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, utterly overwhelmed by emotion and grief I look up and I see these words scribbled in the top right hand corner of the board.  The words are written in the loopy cursive of my youngest daughter, in a bright nature-colored green.  The words read "Rage, Rage against the dying of the light, do not go quietly into that good night."  And suddenly, I realize that "quietly" pretty much sums up my existence here to date.  Quiet allows me to remain in the shadows, in silhouette where I cannot be seen, where I cannot be hurt. And it occurs to me that if I want things to change I have to be loud.  I have to fight, before surrendering ultimately to that long good night.  And just when I thought I no longer possessed the strength or will to move forward any longer, the storm clouds suddenly cleared and the way was before me.

In looking back over the events that have transpired this past month it occurs to me that most people merely pay lip service to a notion of attempting to understand and truly work with abuse survivors in any given environment (i.e., work or school).  They check the "I have listened" box --the "willingness" box-- and then they summarily dismiss all further needs of the abuse survivor, falling woefully short of offering any meaningful assistance.  I suppose this predictable response is due in large part to a general inability of most normal people to comprehend the triggers and the level of anxiety certain situations present to abuse survivors. After all, it's just easier to deal with "normal" people anyway, right? But when an abuse survivor does somehow manage to find an individual who not only genuinely listens, but someone who is further willing to take things a step further by actually putting words into meaningful action, it so genuinely empowering to people like me, people who are survivors of abuse, people who sometimes feel they are limited in the choices they can make towards the end leading a meaningful life and fulfilling their dreams.  God Bless these few, rare and genuine souls.  You truly help to make this world a better place!