For example: if you had always wanted to be a heart surgeon, you would suddenly have the skills to perform heart surgery and have a practice, clients, etc. for a full 48 hrs.
So what would you choose?
What would your 48 hrs. be like?
Remember: THE SKY'S THE LIMIT!
ME: I've thought about it and my initial response was:
that it would be cool to be a super-spy or something like that -- as it is so very different from what my everyday life is like -- but upon careful reflection, I realize that I probably couldn't live with the moral and ethical implications of the choices that might present themselves -- even for just 48 hours.
So my choice would be to be a famous writer and novelist that got to travel to far away and exotic places --strange and foreign lands -- on my own private jet (that I would of course pilot) in order to do research for my books.
'The Garden of Adonis - Amoretta and Time', By John Dixen Batten
12/1/09 My new Secret Garden ... This will be number 5 ....
My nightmares have been bad lately. I can't remember the last time I slept or slept peacefully.
Have not been back in to see the therapist since returning home, but I think its time to go again.
I just want the nightmares to stop; I don't want to remember anymore. I remember too much already. I wonder why the nightmares have intesified so lately?
I thought that I was, at long last, at a point of experiencing peace in my life once again ...
What will it take to silence these nightmares forever?
'The Nightmare', By Henri Fuseli (Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
Grant me peace for I am weary ...
'Pity', By William Blake (Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
Praying helps to keep me focused and not so centered on my own problems and silly concerns. I pray often for others ... I wonder sometimes, if others pray for me? I guess, that I'd have to let down my guard and let others know that I am truly in need in order for them to do so, no? And I don't want to worry anyone ... everyday life can be hard enough without having to worry about someone that you love.
I take comfort in knowing that where I am weak ... there is more opportunity for God to fill up the emptiness and want with His will, might, wisdom, and glory.
P.M. I recall now one of the many reasons why I love Ken ... he is the ONE who picks me up when I fall ... and offers me a safe place to land. If it weren't for him, I know ... beyond a shadow of a doubt ... that there are -- and have been -- times that I simply would not get up again. The fact that he still cares enough to be the one who is there for me says alot ... and is perhaps another reason yet to continue to hope.
12/3/09 ... I recall now that Nov. 5th is a good day. A beautiful light re-entered the world on that day. I hope that that light still shines brightly ... that its bearer is at peace and has much happiness and joy in his life ... and that he is loved much by those present in his life. God's peace and blessings to you. -M
'November 5th', By Margaret MacDonald
(image courtesy of http://www.artmagick.com/)
'The Offering', By Wilhelm List
(image courtesy of www.artmagick.com)
I am doing better now. With the aid of heavy medication (sleeping pills to the max), I did finally sleep and if I did dream: I do not remember anything of it. It's been a long time since I've given myself leave to feel afraid ... and permission to rest. It makes me sad that the past still has such a powerful hold upon me ... it should make me angry and as I grow stronger again it just may. But I wonder if anger is the more constructive of the two emotions?
I am still happy, with a good perspective on the present state of my marriage ... so that is something, no?
I guess that you have to love life ... love it or hate it: it's full of unexpected surprises ... some good ... some not so good. How you choose to view and deal with those surprises determines your happiness, does it not?
12/4/09 Evolution of poem ... they're never ever really done ... always changing, shifting, evolving ...
copyright @2009 Michelle C. www.whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com
Willow's Whisper
Have I made you cry? Have I awoken once sleepy eyes?
Perhaps, I've made you smile? Shared something that's made your visit here worthwhile?
Come then, and stay with me awhile under peaceful shade of the willow tree, here in my secret garden. Tell me of your hopes, your dreams ... your inner most desires. What would it take to set your world on fire?
Promise me that one day I'll find, in me, the voice to sing again ... that this happiness might never end ...
I breathe you in and close my eyes. A tear of joy wells up inside and with a whisper I wish us away, on willow's wings, to the place where Majestic Day bends to sweetly kiss Serene Night. A place where all is momentarily right in the world, as in the celestial heavens far above. A place where my love for you is sacred and not a given.
Yet the hour draws swiftly to its close. Reality returns. Sadly, I must let you go. With parting kiss on shade of tear stained lips, I bid you a silent farewell. Until we meet again: know that in my heart, I still call you friend.
copyright@2009 Michelle C. of www.whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com
Song: 'Happiness', By the Fray
12/07/09 Poetry by renowned English painter, William Blake (1757-1827) ... these poems particular caught my eye ...
I set this poem's words to paintings in an art ablum on ArtMagick.com: 'Love's Secret', By William Blake
'When the Morning Stars Sang Together', By William Blake
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
'The Little Girl Lost' and 'The Little Girl Found'.
For other writing by William Blake see: http://www.english.uga.edu/nhilton/Blake/blaketxt1/
For art by William Blake see: http://www.artmagick.com/pictures/artist.aspx?artist=william-blake
Here is an art album I put together with one of Blake's poems, 'Love's Secret': http://www.artmagick.com/albums/album.aspx?id=20730
A nice momentary retreat from the demands of everyday life ...
Well cross one more thing off of my 'I'll never do that!' list ... I have done 'texting' now ... and just as I had anticipated: it DOES annoy the hell out of me!
Having a basic 10 button phone, with no fancy funtion to guess words I am trying to type probably doesn't help much, but such is life. But at least I can now say that I have done it ... texting. I guess, in rare instances texting has its uses (i.e., don't really want to talk the person that you're texting ... that is your input is not worthy of an actual conversition, due to its pitifully short length or subject matter : ). That being said: I'm not a huge fan of it ... texting ... and I probably won't use very much more.
I now get the use of all of the stupid acronyms/texting language ... but it all still annoys me! The one shortcut that really gets to me is 'LOL' ... talk about dumb?! And this sad little catch-phrase is now making it's way into the mainstream too ... I see it everywhere?! ... emails ... post-it notes... the web ... blogs ... my kids notebooks. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!! Make it stop please, please, PLEASE! I mean if you were actually gonna laugh out loud, do you have to tell me about it?! [And, I've got news for you: I'm NOT laughing ... but, three guesses as to what I'm thinking about you when you use LOL in your writing ... ] At least the main people that I happen to text don't use LOL ... thank you, THANK YOU .... you smart generous, kind and loving people! One friend even takes the time to type out 'Hahahahahaha' ... now THAT: I can respect.
12/8/09 I apologize for ranting and raving about texting yesterday ... should I take it back? : ) Guess I can do that ... this is my blog after all: I have ULTIMATE POWER, no? Don't worry ... won't let it go to my head. The 'LOL' just struck a chord with me last night.
'Andromeda', By Gustav Dore
Darkness ... some of us struggle with it more than others. I used to wonder why that was so ... now I just accept it ... and try to move on. Still having dark dreams ... one in particular ... the one where I am running through a night time forest. I can't seem to escape ... in the dream or the dream ... so last night I wrote it all down ... my attempt at containing it on paper (don't bother looking here ... you won't find it ... hard enough just to write it ... let alone type it?@!).
'Nocturne with Elves', By Gustav Dore
(image courtesy of www.artmagick.com)
I have been sleeping in the music room these last few nights just so I won't bother Ken with my thrashing and perhaps screaming ... hard to tell what I dream and what I actually physically do? I awoke last night shivering and having trouble breathing.
Now that I've written down the dream, I see that core of it is based on real events, but I have transposed events to another place and time ... a dark wood at night under a half moon ... with ominous clouds shading the light of moon from time to time, along with other elements that I have yet to understand.
'The Enigma', By Gustav Dore
(image courtesy of www.artmagick.com)
I usually cannot go back to sleep after awakening from such a dream ... but last night, it was as if a presence was there with me comforting me ... I felt strangly safe and protected ... and somehow, I was able to dose lightly in sleep. Perhaps an angel? I believe in angels ... don't usually feel their presence so strongly ... but it was nice to find peace after such a haunting dream. Nice not to feel so all alone ...
'The Guardian', By Arild Rosenkrantz
(image courtesy of www.artmagick.com)
As Dante descends further into the depths of his Hell, I find myself slowly rising ... having captured my nightmare on the pages, with pen ... and with a strong protecting presence in my heart and by my side.
P.M. Upon further reflection, it occurs to me now that someone is praying especially for me ... and that is why I felt the comforting presence after my nightmare ... whether the presence was an angel in answer to those prayers, or the presence of the person, themselves, praying for me ... it brought me peace and restful sleep. So thank you ... sincerely ... and most profoundly ... God Bless you!
Song: Nocturnes: No 7, In C Sharp Minor, Op. 27, No. 1, By Chopin
12/9/09 Interesting day today ...
Interesting day today ... took the day off to chaperone for a 3rd grade field trip to see play 'Peter Pan'. A story I've seen and heard many times before, but today this play took on a whole new meaning as I looked at the play through the eyes of friend who is dealing with his own mortality in a rather harsh way these days.
The whole play can be summed up rather nicely in one key statement given by Peter Pan in a speech to Wendy about why he, Peter Pan, won't be joining Wendy and the Lost Boys when they return to Wendy's home ...
"I won't be going, because I don't ever want to grow up and have to think on solemn things."
What do think? An interesting perspective on what it truly means to be grown-up, no? An accurate assessment? Rather sobering, if nothing else ...
Perhaps, Peter Pan's remark, should serve as a message to us grown-ups that we should seize (AND SAVOR!) every opportunity which allows us NOT to think on solemn things? Maybe then, the world would be an overall happier place ...
Next subject ... I may have the opportunity to go to Singapore (in Maylasia) in the Spring. Just me ... not Ken. Would you go? I've always been fascinated by Eastern mythology, language, traditions and history. I think this would be an opportunity of a lifetime. Mandarin is not one the languages that I've ever looked into though -- need to verify that is what they speak here. Wonder if I could learn enough to get around between now and spring? Good news is that I would go with a friend, and we would be meeting (and staying with) her sister who is currently living there. She is familiar with local customs, modes of transportation and the language. So that would be a big plus in my book. I don't know if everything will work out, but it is FUN to ponder. Never thought of going to Maylasia before I made it to Egypt or Greece, but if opportunity is knocking ... think I'd be a fool not to consider it, no?
'Pyramids of Gizeh', By Thomas Seddon
(image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
I'll get to Egypt one of these days ... and by then, I'll probably speak Arabic fluently. : )
12/11/09 After reading and thinking on Poe's poem, 'The Raven' ...
'The Raven', By Carl Spitzweg
(image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
... I am strangely lonely today too? If I had one wish right now: I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I would wish for.
Scary night last night ... Lauren (my oldest) fell through our glass kitchen table top. I was adimantly opposed to glass tables when the kids were little, but when we moved up here I replaced our bulky kitchen table with a cleaner, circular glass table. I figured that the kids were older now, so it was safe. Guess I was terribly wrong?!
It all happened so fast and then there was blood everywhere. I seem to have the ability to slow time and focus in a crisis. I knew what had to be done ... only I didn't seem to have enough hands. I found the three worst cuts and immediately applied pressure, with the help of Bethany, while Erynn called Dad and told him to get home quickly. Lauren was near hysteria. Her right elbow had a huge cut ... gash ... and I could see the bone. I applied pressure to Lauren's right arm and held it high above her head. Dad came home in record time and we all piled into the car and shot over to the emergency room -- which thankfully was only blocks away.
The ER staff got Lauren in immediately and took over. She need 8 stitches in her elbow and had just missed the oberon nerve (sp?) -- praise God she missed the nerve. They were worried about broken bones, but after too many x-rays ... they ruled out any major breaks. Lauren did have a sprained left wrist and her right arm need to be imbolized for the next two weeks in order to prevent any further/possible nerve damage. So Lauren presently has the use of niether hand ... tres frustating for her, but she is a trooper. Fortunately, Lauren had on a thick hooded sweatshirt and blue jeans or the damage might have been much worse ... and thankfully she did not hit any part of her face ... her forearms bore the brunt of the fall.
If you are the praying type ... please pray that Lauren heals well and does not suffer any nerve damage. If there is nerve damage, that would mean involving ortho and surgeries. I don't want to go there! She is young ,energetic, is right handed, and has always had a dream of one day becoming a marine biologist.
As I said ... I held it together during the crisis and even at the ER ... but once we got home, I went in my room and just cried and shook uncontrollably. It is so horrible to see one of your babies hurt like that ... you just can't even imagine. But I know that God was watching out for Lauren ... it could have been much worse.
On a positive note, Lauren is enjoying being waited on hand and foot ... and she still has her ravenous appetitie, so that is a good sign, no?
View from my bedroom balcony this evening. Breathtaking ... so tranquil ... peaceful ... my own little piece of heaven on Earth ...
Peace to you ... God Bless!
12/12/09 Stumbled across this on the internet ... wasn't looking specifically for this, but it is beautiful ...
"Here are some recordings from a voice quartet concert , two selections of Pierre Bouteiller's Requiem Montreal University (music faculty) Jacques-Olivier Chartier - tenor Isabeau Lemire - second tenor ...
posted March 24, 2009."
Also found some interesting reading on angels, specifically the names of the Archangels and where they are mentioned in the Bible. Also, finally understand what a Seraphim is. Anyway, cool read if you happen to have some spare time ...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_angelic_hierarchy#Seraphim.
[My daughter, Lauren, would chastise me for using wikipedia as a source ... for hard core research, guess I would agree ... but just for basic directional info and insight: why not. You have to take anything you read on the net with a grain of salt anyway, no?]
'Winged Seraph', By Mikhail Vrubel
(image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
Mikhail Vrubel is a very interesting artist that I discovered from ArtMagick. I mentioned him on my main page not long ago, along with a link that had a painting he did to illustrate a poem about a demon who fell in love with a mortal woman ('The Demon' (published posthumously in 1842), by the Russian poet Mikhail Lermontov.) A chilling poem ... but, I ended up feeling pity for the demon. Read if you have time and see if you perchance agree?
Anyway, here is the link to Vrubel on ArtMagick:
http://www.artmagick.com/pictures/artist.aspx?artist=mikhail-vrubel
Check out the Vrubel painting, 'The Conquered Demon' ... intriguing, no? Wish that there was larger, higher resolution image available.
12/14/09 I think that I have uncovered one of the hidden meanings of my confusing and terrifying night time forest dream (nightmare): xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I don't know ... maybe I am just tired today (physically and mentally? ... emotionally?) ...
'The Shadow', By Edmund Blair Leighton
(Image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
'The Knight Errant', BySir John Everett Millais
(Image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
'Perseus and Andromeda', By Sir William Blake Richmond
(Image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
'Twixt Hope and Fear', By Edward Robert Hughes
(Image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
P.M. I think that I am just tired ... really tired ... I almost fell asleep during dinner (making dinner). So I am going to help put the kids the bed and head to bed myself. I don't really want to believe what I wrote earlier. Hopefully, I'll see things a bit clearer tomorrow. Nite ...
I brought Lauren in for a follow-up appointment today. The doctor says that she's healing nicely and that there appears to be no permanent nerve damage -- Praise God! Her stitches are healing nicely and she will be able to have them removed on Christmas Eve ... what a Christmas present, eh? She returns to school tomorrow. Can't write or carry anything, but somehow she'll manage. Have an appointment with counselor to see what school can do to help Lauren out for the next 4 days. Then she's off for 2 week Christmas break. If you've been praying for Lauren: THANK YOU, THANK YOU ... from the very bottom of my heart. God Bless!
M
12/16/09 In keeping with my honest efforts to 'Give the poets another try', I have begun reading some of the poetry by Edgar Allan Poe. It fits rather nicely with my other dark reads of late (e.g., Dante's 'Inferno' and 'The Demon'). I must say, that I am presently in a better state of mind to read, understand, and more fully appreciate these works by Poe than I would have been in previous years.
'The Abandoned Town', By Fernand Khnopff
"Death has reared himself a throne in a strange city lying alone."
I've read 'The Raven', and I've also identified the verses used to narate the 'A Symbolist's Ode to Edgar Allan Poe' ArtMagick album. Actually, 'narate' is a poor choice of words ... I should say 'verses chosen to illustrate ... the album' ... for the verses chosen in the 'Symbolist's Ode...' album, actually DO bring the album to LIFE.
Now that I've read the poems from which the album verses were drawn, and reread the album itself: I have to say that 'A Symbolist's Ode to Edgar Allan Poe' is one of ... if not THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ... things that I have ever read ... witnessed. Truly ... there just aren't words ...
Peace, light and blessings to the author.
M
12/19/2009 Irving Berlin's 'White Christmas' was fabulous! We took the whole family last night. Probably the best musical I've ever seen -- barring operas. The combination of song a dance was just mesmerizing, and the set changes happened so fast they made your head spin --don't know how they did that?! So much fun! They had the whole audience singing along for the song 'I'm dreaming of a White Christmas' -- sounds corny, I know ... guess you had to be there ... and no, I could not sing, but I did enjoy listening ever so much ... and I was smiling : ). They even had snow falling gently --from the rafters-- onto the audience for the last chorus of the song. The theater was tres cool also. Everything was art deco and I believe that the theater is a historic landmark. Anyway, good family outing and bonding time ... despite the late hour 8-11 p.m. (a long show!).
'Angels of the Night', By William Degouve de Nuncques
(image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
I had to say farewell to my pen pal. It was a hard thing to do, but it was the right thing to do. We had gotten outside of the 'philosophical discussion' that we were supposed to be having --per my agreement with Ken--somewhere along the way ... our continuing a relationship ... friendship ... just didn't feel right anymore and the relationship was no longer condusive to my efforts to mend my relationship with Ken. Such is life ... but know that you'll alway be special to me, Paul. I will continue to pray for your father's recovery, for good things in your life and much happiness ... even joy : ) along your journey of discovery. God Bless! -M
Song: 'Hope', By Rush
Song: When the Angels Fall ... the song that started it all ...
P.S. I let you have the last word ... you see, I CAN do that. Thank you for your parting words of kindness and well wishes ... and "I never could pretend to know [what that is]." ... I'm still struggling to figure that out for myself ... such is life and the reason that we are here, no? As for "your [my] goodness", I am glad that you are thankful for it ... but I have moments where I truly think that 'good' girls will always finish last.
I read your post on 17-18 Dec., post-dated to 21 Dec. (? what's up with that? Date on your blackberry set wrong?). It is funny... actually strange ... I was unpacking a box of books just last week, and I came across a copy of 'Everyday Grace', By Miriam Williamson. As I was pulling the book out of the box, it opened to the page containing the exact text passage that you posted. The passage struck me as significant at the time and now that you've posted it as well ... wow?! I guess that the universe is trying to tell me something, no?
... Well ... Take care, Paul. (even though I know that you probably won't see this)
12/21/09
We went to church tonight to celebrate the winter equinox, which occurred at 9:47 a.m. WST, where we live. As our pastor said, even though the date of Jesus's actual birth is debatable, the early Christians knew what they were doing: "They said, we don't know the actual day ... but let's do this ... let's put it on this day ... the shortest day of the year ... the day with the most darkness ... because Jesus represents God's gift of light to the world. Every day after Jesus's birth, more and more of God's light will enter the world."
A beautiful sentiment, is is not? Even those before the time of Jesus saw the remarkable significance of light coming out of the darkness. How simple, how beautiful and true ... regardless of what your personal religious beliefs might be.
Light out of Darkness ...
(photo by me 12/5/09)
As I sat in the candle lit church tonight, I was also reminded that some of the most beautiful poetry resides in the Bible and in songs inspired by the Bible. We had an amazing musical group from six surrounding churches performing tonight. It was truly wonderful and inspiring! Thought for a moment, I might just find it in me to sing a long ...
Anyway, one of the songs was Psalm 121 put to music and sung:
Psalm 121 (New International Version)
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
And I truly believe this ... this alone is what holds me up and gets me through the hard times ... the dark times ... times of doubt and times of loneliness.
The service was truly beautiful and very moving. The music was just incredible. We are blessed to have such talented musicians working ... volunteering ... sharing their gifts and talents ... at our church. At one point, the pastors invited all to visit various candle lighting stations around the chruch to light a candle for intentions that they might have ... one staiton was for Grief ... another was for Forgiveness ... another for Courage ...
I had to get up and leave the church during the speech leading up to this invitation. I have just been so overwhelmed with emotions lately ... I couldn't sit there and listen to the pastor's invitation and explanation of each station without bursting into tears. When I returned to the church again, the girls had talked it over with Dad (Ken) and decided that they each wanted to light a candle for 'Courage' ... that sounded good to me : ). So we all went up together and lit candles for Courage. I couldn't find it within me that night to light a candle for Forgiveness ... but I had already been thinking a lot about Forgiveness, and I began to wonder that night, if maybe it was time for me to finally truly embrace Forgiveness in my own life.
Maybe my lighting a candle for Courage ... will give me the courage to finally find Forgiveness within me ...
So, it was a good evening ... good for me ... and everyone went without too much of a struggle, which always makes it nice. I hate having to fight just get everyone out the door for church ... makes me not even want to try sometimes. But we did it, and I'm smiling once again : ).
Was thinking that maybe I can get my therapist to go to voice lessons with me and between the two of them -- therapist and vocal instructor -- they can figure out what's wrong with me and help me to fix it? I would love to be able to sing again ... even if it was lousy singing ... What do you think?
So this is me smiling and sending of God's peace and light your way. God Bless! Sweet dreams ... -M
I'd like to leave you with a song written and performed by one of the talented musicians that heads up our music program at our church. Can't give his name, but this song is copyrighted ...
(link disconnected)
12/22/09 Only 2 days left until Christmas ... or so 'they' say ... Christmas means more to me when I enjoy the whole season leading up to 25th ... if not, I find the 25th to be a bit of a let down. Last night's service was a reminder to keep the focus on the reason for the season.
This year's Christmas has been hard for me, because it will be my FIRST EVER Christmas 'away from home'. No, we're not flying back to Texas this year. Too costly ... not to mention nerve wracking (!) ... to travel during the holidays with kids (i.e., shipping gifts there and figuring out how to get everything home again). Might be easier as they (kids) get older? Instead, we'll go home over summer break and take in Schlitterbahn and Sea World as well.
Brought the kids into the dentist today, and I am so very happy (and proud?) to report that all three of my girls are still 100% cavity free. Not bad? Guess all of my healthy food and nagging to brush and floss have an impact after all? Lauren reasons: NOT to the latter (she has an insatiable sweet tooth) ... she claims that it's just genetics ... good genes. I claim that her sweet tooth is genetics too ... and I blame Dad for that one! : )
I finished up the Christmas cards yesterday ... and got them into the mail yesterday too. Think they'll arrive by Christmas? I strongly dislike the mass-produced cards -- for me anyway ... to send out that is -- I pick a card that has special meaning to me, and then I handwrite a special note to each person and hand address the envelope. It's a lot of work, but if I can't do it that way: I'd rather not do it all. Sent out over 50 cards this year. I wonder how we know so many people sometimes (think I just have too many relations)?! I keep every Christmas card I've ever received too. I have shoebox for each year. Silly, I know ... I may have to reconsider my sentimentality with all of this moving we seem to be doing of late ...
Well, I promised the girls that we would make home made Christmas cookies this evening: Sugar Cookies and Gingerbread Molassas Cookies ... messy ... but always yummy and so much fun! So, I'm off to roll up my sleeves and get myself, three daughters and the kitchen dirty : ) Joyful day to you! -M
12/24/2009 This Christmas, 2009, I offer to myself and to those who have hurt me ... knowingly or unknowingly ... physically, mentally, or emotionally the gift of Forgiveness ...
I think that, at long last, I can finally say it now and truly, truly mean it: I forgive you .... completely and unconditionally ... and I forgive myself ... for trusting those who I should not have ... for feeling unworthy and hence not crossing bridges that I, perhaps, should have ... for shutting myself off from others and keeping things from them that might have allowed others to help me sooner ... for being afraid to trust again ... for being afraid to truly open up to others ... even Ken ... and let them see me for who I truly am ...
An Angel Plays A Song Proclaiming God's Gift of Peace to ALL the world ...
'An Angel', By Sir Edward Burne-Jones
(Image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
Just maybe, these simple words will offer us all true peace ... Christ's Peace ... in the New Year ...
Other songs I find comfort and peace in at the end of my alias playlist ... www.playlist.com/ZombieCheerleader ... starting at song#34.
God Bless! And a truly wonderful Christmas to you and yours ... may Christ's Peace overwhelm your hearts and fill your celebrations with joy and the stuff that dreams are made of : ) ... May abundant Peace, Light and Blessings be yours in 2010.
P.S. Lauren got her stitches out this morning. They say it's healing nicely. Still need butterfly stitches (tape and glue), but they say she is doing well and within the next two weeks she should have near full mobility back. So PRAISE GOD! That is my best Christmas present this year. : )
[FYI : the laptop on which I am writing my novel does NOT EVER connect to the internet ... I always have my laptop with me though ... like when I sit out on my balcony ... and I often write my thoughts ... like posts for my blog ... my secret gardens ... on my laptop ... hence, the delay in transferring things I write ... and subsequent changes and updates from my laptop to here ...]
12/25/2009 For Paul ... 3:30 a.m. Christmas Day ... aftermath ... actually, techinically it is 12/26 now.
I see on my pen pal's blog a very sad post this day. His father is still in the hospital ... in the cancer ward. I had hoped and prayed that he would be home by Christmas, but I see now that that did not happen. His mother is staying alone at Paul's apartment, while he is 100 miles away at his parent's house with his sister (away from her fiance, who is still in Phoenix) and his two daughter's who are away from their mother. Paul writes ...
"There is little semblance of christmas at my apartment where my mom is staying. The university hospital offers even less. My parent's house is an empty shell without them here. We are all torn away from those we love this christmas day. "
My eyes fill with tears and I begin to cry ... I want to reach out to Paul and offer him some comfort ... something ... anything ... but I know that I must keep my distance -- as I promised Ken -- and I can only send healing thoughts and prayers his way. Besides, I know that no words will ever be the right words ... the words that he most needs to hear ... so I just hope that somehow, God will get him through this time ... I don't know how, but I have faith that He (God) will. I also pray for Paul's faith ... which I know in my heart that he truly has ... to reawaken on a deeper level ...
God ... Jesus ... the Creator IS there with you Paul ... even if your faith has been shaken ... only you can say for sure ... I know that deep within your heart you still believe. Like the poem 'Footprints' says ... “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
I think that right now, you Paul ... even your family, are being carried ...
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
~Mary Stevenson, 1936
Hang in there Paul! Know that my SINCEREST thoughts and prayers are STILL with you ... God Bless and may Christ's Peace find its way into your heart, your life and the lives of those present in your life.
12/26/2009 I was thinking some more on the topic of 'Forgiveness' late last night ... after all of the boxes, wrapping paper, and annoying wire twist ties were cleaned up ... and everyone ... including Ken ... was content, fed and quietly tucked into bed.
I sat by the fire, gazing into the brilliant blue and orange flames, as they danced wildly about and I wondered ... when Jesus says to the disciples, in the Bible, “whose sins you hold bound are bound; whose sins you forgive are forgiven.” … is the scope of this statement meant to encompass more than just the disciples present with Jesus when He spoke those words?
'Heart of the Rose', By Sir Edward Burne-Jones
(Image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
Perhaps, forgiveness is meant for ALL of us to administer … whose sins we (each of us) hold bound are held bound and whose sins we find it within us to forgive are forgiven? We, who have been wronged, hold the keys to forgiveness?
And perhaps, in finding it within ourselves to forgive … maybe we, ourselves, receive the gifts of healing and peace … because, we can at last let go of the hurt … the pain … and all of the energy that is required to hold onto to these negative feelings and memories?
Any thoughts?
12/27/09 I have a confession to make ... I did sent a message to my email pen pal, Paul. Only a link to the passage that I wrote about him on Christmas Day ... nothing more. Probably should not have done that, but I felt the need to let him know that I still care and I am still storming Heaven for him ... his father ... his needs ... hopes and dreams ... whatever they may be.
He won't reply ... because he doesn't want to get me into trouble ... but hopefully, just knowing that someone out here feels his pain and is still pulling for him will help in some small way?
I think that's why I wrote "whose sends you forgive are forgiven" in an art album post ... "sends" vs. "sins"? The subconscious will out, no? Sometimes, I wonder: is my subconscious saner than my conscious self?
12/28/09 Happy Anniversary to Ken and me ...
'Sunshine', By Evelyn Pickering DeMorgen
(Image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
And I feel the sun slowly beginning to shine again ...
12/29/09 Listening to soundtrack for the movie 'Kingdom of Heaven' ... one of my Christmas gifts. It is mezmerising ... I love it! Almost makes me feel as if I can close my eyes and be transported directly to the Middle East. Would that a visit there were that simple ... I'll get there someday ... I have no doubt.
I'll try to post a favorite song(s) when I have more time ... right now, I'm sorting through the girls clothes to make a donation to a local women's shelter. Not my favorite thing to do, but it is for a worthy cause, no? Will also help to make room for new clothes that do fit. So I should see fewer clean clothes on the kids floors? Yah, right?! : ) One can only hope ...
Last night, Ken and I were able to get a sitter at the last minute ... in order to go out for our anniversary. We went out, in blue jeans, for Indian food (my absolute favorite!) and then to a movie ... the new 'Sherlock Holmes' movie. It was pretty good ... not excellent, but entertaining ... I much prefered this version of Shelock Holmes to the uptight, fastidious, portrayals in older movies and the like ... I found the disheveled ... chaos of Downy's portrayal to be much more in line with what I have witnessed ... and would imagine of that sort of genius ... savante. Jude Law surprised me too ... in being able to pull off the role of Watson. Haven't seen the new movie 'Avatar' yet, but Ken was nice enough to let me choose. : ) Guess, we'll see that next. Anyway, if you're looking to see an entertaining movie that makes you think a little: I'd recommend the new 'Sherlock Holmes' movie. I'd give it a 7 out of 10 (10 being the highest marks).
I almost forgot ... the owner of the Indian restaurant brought out a plate of cherry topped icecream triangles, drizzled in chocolate sauce, as his gift to us. He had written "Happy Anniversary" drizzled in chocolate sauce around the rim of the plate ... I can't even begin to think how one would find the patience to do that?! I was so incredibly full at that point, but I managed to put down a few bites in order to show my sincere appreciation of his gift and gesture ... so generous and sweet. Moments like these renew your faith in your fellow man, no? : ) Oh ... and Ken managed to clean the rest of plate off ... thank goodness for his bottomless pit of a stomach. ; )-
One nice thing about having an anniversary just before New Year's is that you don't feel compelled to go out on New Year's. I much prefer staying home on New Year's Eve, by a warm fire, with a bottle of champagne and the one I love ...
12/30/09 I was never yours to own ... nor you mine to possess ... we are only borrowers of each other for our short time here ... a blink of an eye in the sea of enternity ... what then is immortal?
'Immortality', By Henri Fantin-Latour
(image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)
Some of my favorites ... thus far ... from my 'Kingdom of Heaven' soundtrack. Enjoy ...
Song: 02 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~The Crusader
Song: 04 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~A New World
Song: 05 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~To Jerusalem
Song: 06 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~Sibylla
Song: 07 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~Ibelin
Song: 09 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~The King
Song: 10 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~The Battle of Kerak
16 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~The Pilgrim Road
Song: 18 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~Path to Heaven
Song: 19 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~Light of Life (Ibelin Reprise)
Song: 04 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~A New World
Song: 05 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~To Jerusalem
Song: 06 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~Sibylla
Song: 07 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~Ibelin
Song: 09 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~The King
Song: 10 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~The Battle of Kerak
16 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~The Pilgrim Road
Song: 18 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~Path to Heaven
Song: 19 Kingdom of Heaven, film score~Light of Life (Ibelin Reprise)
Still praying for you Paul and your father ... your family. I have a very strong feeling that some truly good news is just around the corner. Let's hope I'm right ...
Also praying for another friend ... not sure who ... may not be the friend but rather someone that they love and care for ... they are need of prayers for depression ... so I don't know who you are, but I am praying for you. : )
12/31/09 A work in progress ...
"Faith, Hope, and Love ... but the greatest of these gifts is Love ..." 1 Corinthians 13:13
(this needs a lot of work! ... just some ideas pulled from an over tired mind ... late ... late at night ... right on through to early morning...)
@Copyrighted Poem, December 2009. All Rights Reserved: Michelle C. of whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.
**Update 2011**
@Copyrighted Poem: December 2009. All Rights Reserved: Isabelle Black Smith.
"I was never yours to own ... nor you mine to possess. We are only borrowers of each other for our short time here: A blink of an eye in the sea of eternity. What then is immortal? ... All my love, now and forever." ~Isabelle
"What then is Immortal?"
I am nameless ...
I am faceless ...
Faith and Hope are my kin ...
Hope is but a dreamer and while Faith may move mountains: I move men. Tis true, I have moved many a man to brave and noble deeds. Yes, some to even truly amazing feats! And yet, sadly I lament, others I have unwittingly moved to their defeat; For Passion, masquerading as me, has brought many once great men swiftly and humbly to their knees. Passion, however, is merely a jealous sibling rival to me ... a desperate imitator, want-to-be of the true me.
It is said by wise, divinely inspired men, that I am ‘patient, gentle and kind’ ... that I ‘bear all things’. Noble and honest sentiments indeed we'd be agreed; Had I a face, you might just find me crimson of shade, but I digress ... For not all happen to agree with this naming noble disposition you see. These skeptics often lash out at me in wild lament, claiming that I am but the bearer of unbridled torment. Their justification? That I am a cruel and unrelenting master when I refuse to meet a match; For though I am freely given: I am not always well received. Therein, perhaps, lies the folly of man ...
In my defense, I claim to be no master of any sort. I am simply here to inspire and nothing more. I am a potential within all beings ... some more so than others … but the will, the desire to act is not within the scope of my power. Nor is control of the quickly waning hour; For so often, I am all a matter of timing. Hence, much is left to chance ... unlikely, serendipitous circumstance.
Now I make my final stance before our parting glance … for surely, you have my name? ... Despite the arguments leveled against me above: I am what I am and what I am is … (xxxx) … A whisper of hope carried upon the mystic winds for all mankind. And all in all, I’d have to say that the world is a better place because of, rather than in spite of me. Do you, perchance, agree? I wonder: does the latter not, to some small degree, make me immortal?
A moment before you answer and pray do ponder this: can you even begin to imagine a world without me?
@Copyrighted Poem: December 2009. All Rights Reserved: Isabelle Black Smith.
Updated Painting: "Immortality", By Henri Fantin-Latour.
I could not sleep last night ... not at all. I watched the sun set and then rise. I did rest briefly for an hour two this morning, after sun rise. Then, I found out this afternoon that one of my Great Aunts, Aunt Phyllis (Phe Phe) had passed away in her sleep last night ... actually at 4:30 a.m. central standard time. I wonder if that was part of the reason that I was unable to sleep last night?
I don't feel sadness at her passing ... but, I will miss her presence in my life ... I am happy that she has gone on to what comes next ... a better place ... home to her Creator. She, Phyllis, has led an incredibly full life. Phyllis would have turned 99 this upcoming April 12, 2010. She still drove ... if you could call it that ... pointed and accelerated was more like : ). She lived alone in her own townhome. She attended mass nearly everyday and played bridge at least 5 times a week. She was independent and the thats how she wanted to stay. Phyllis left this world the way that she had always wanted. I am happy for that. Living in a retirement home would have been a slow and painful death for her.
Phyllis had spunk and a zest for life that was truly, truly contagious. She always spoke her mind and was up front with people ... you had to respect her for that. There was no task that beyond her; she could accoomplish anything that she set her mind to and no one could persuade her otherwise. Phyllis was very loving and giving ... and a bit eccentric ... if you happened to admire a vase or glass in her home ... she'd package it up and send it home with you. : )
We will all sorely miss Aunt Phyllis; she truly was one who let her inner light shine and she will be greatly missed, but somehow I believe that her brilliant light will continue to shine and that she is perhaps closer than we may think.
You ARE an inspiration Aunt Phyllis! Put in a good word for the rest of us in your conversations with God ... I'm sure you have an earful to convey to Him. All my love and fondest wishes... admiration ...
Michelle
1/1/2010 I just had to 'write' that somewhere today : ) So it is officially a new year ... a new decade ... I wonder what this one has in store for me ... for our country ... the world? Hopefully a better economy and stronger, more decisively useful leadership from Washington. I feel some letters to my congressmen coming on ...
Well, my visions of a romantic evening by a warm fire, with champagne, quickly faded and were whisped away by reality ... but that's alright ... the kids are older now and they want to celebrate too. I had a box of old hats, noise makers, etc. ... so we pulled that out toasted the new year with sparkling cider. An hour later the kids were in bed ... but so was Ken. So I sat outside on our balcony and howled at the moon : )- Okay, so there was no actual howling ... just shutter clicks from my camera as I experimented with different settings to take snaps of the 'Blue Moon'. It was dang cold too! But well worth the effort ... I guess ... something to do anyway.
Then I came inside and sat by the fire, with a cup of tea to warm up ... and cried ... I am content to 'just be' as I said ... 'Forgiveness' has helped a lot with that ... I know that I am where I need to be and I do have moments of happiness ... I am just LONELY ... I love Ken and he loves me in his own way. He doesn't want me to leave ... I don't want to leave either ... I just want more ... is that wrong to want??? ... maybe that will come in time? There is just still a ... a disconnect between us ... sometimes the gap feels small ... just inches ... other times it's miles. Last night it felt like miles ... and today it is football ... football again ...
I think, I'll get out of the house for awhile ... wonder if any stores are open today? I have a gift card to shop for a new 'perfect little black dress' ... nothing I have fits anymore ... it's all too BIG. I kept hoping I'd put some weight back on, but I guess I eat too healthy for that? I'm still under 110 and a size 4 hangs on me like potato sack. Ken wants me to have a black dress that fits properly ... hence the card. I guess a 'perfect little black dress' can be my small nod to comformity, no?
If the person who created the 'Thoughtful Bemused' art album is reading this ... you could make my day ... [week and month ... maybe even year?] by putting together an album about yourself for me. That would bring a smile to my face ... wishful thinking, I know ... I have a problem with that, don't I? ... being hopeful, when perhaps I shouldn't?
Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010 to you! May it bring you only good things, much happiness and even moments of sheer JOY. God Bless!
M
P.M. Decided not to go out to look for a dress ... didn't feel in the frame of mind to make decisions about what fit the criteria of 'perfect' as pertaining to a black dress. So instead, I did some reading on photography and 'circles of confusion' ... apropos, no? Ken did buy me a new lens for Christmas ... a 50-200mm lens, so that has new implications for me w.r.t. depth of field. I love photography, but I am an amatuer to be certain ... still it's fun to explore and try new things. My digital SLR camera has so many menus and buttons ... settings ... it can be confusing and overwhelming at times, but I will prevail and have fun in the process ... even if it klls me : ) (e.g., freezing my axx off last night, out in the cold at 1:30 a.m.). You know my motto: 'No pain, no gain' ... funny how that notion seems to pertain to so many aspects of my life ...
The girls have been in Wii heaven since Christmas ... they hit the mother load of games and have been particularly entertained by Mario Soccer, Super Smash Brothers (a bit violent for my tastes), and Sports Resort. They also have done some Wii Fit, which I like. Most of the other games make my stomach turn, with all of the motion. Lauren has also been playing Ken's game: Call of Duty, World at War. It's rather violent, but Lauren is bright kid and she sees beyond the violence or I wouldn't let her play it. She's actually a good shot, with great reflexes. So the kids are Wii-ing, while Ken is watching his Gators play in the Rose Bowl ... thankfully they are winning thus far ... and thankfully, football season will be over soon.
Guess it's time for me to pull a miracle (something that pleases everyone?) out of my hat for dinner ...
Peace ...
M
P.S. I guess that you CAN force post dates ... so I started a new secret garden in a post dated for 1/1/2006. Tres Cool ... cause I'm running out room here, as well as older posts to append to. I like the older posts because the search engine doesn't go there and my thoughts can remain relatively private ... still I am able to vent and stay 'sane' ... or my version of it at least, no?
5 comments:
I would be an astronaut.
I would try being a marine biologist for 48 hrs. to see if I liked it and wanted to do that when I grow up.
L
I would be Angelina Jolie. Does Brad Pitt come with the package?
I would go to Disney World and stay in the new suite, in Cinderella's Castle, and ride all of the rides over and over again.
B.C.
I would be in a great band that is famous. I would play the drums.
E.J.
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