Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Worth of ALL Women

A wise and good friend, actually like a sister, just sent me this message. It brings up a good point -- things we as women all have in common -- and sings the praises of the worth of all women. Read it and be reminded of YOUR WORTH! God Bless!

I know all of us women have this "flaw" ... sometimes, because we want to do so much for the people we love and we are so hard on ourselves because we are spread so thin and we want to do even MORE. YOU ARE AWESOME AND AMAZING! Remember all day today AND EVERYDAY!

The Worth of Women

One Flaw In Women

(you will see what it is in the end)

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have the compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.



The Garden of Adonis - Amoretta and Time, By John Dixon Batten::

9/14/09 Welcome to my new Secret Garden ... take off your shoes and run through the cool grass ... smell the sweet flowers ... watch the graceful butterflies dance ... hear the joyful birds sing ... feel the warmth of the gentle sun on your face ...

Me? I'll be swinging on the tree swing ... my absolute favorite thing to do as a child:  swing so high that my feet could almost touch the sky ... those were the days!  : )  Ah ... the simple, innocent and uncomplicated days of youth... Enjoy!

I'm off to swing ... I'll write more soon ...

P.S. I'll put a spell on you ... you too can be youthful here once again ... stay and play with me ...

Song: If Everyone Cared, By Nickelback

9/14/09 late p.m.

In keeping with a return to days of youth ... I recall that my second favorite thing to do as a child was to ride my bike like wind ... as fast as I could ride ... and I especially loved to go down huge hills -- northern California has glorious hills. I used to put my arms out to my sides, soar down the hills and feel as if I was flying. What a wonderful memory and a wonderful feeling!

I haven't ridden my bike in such a long time. I used to love cycling. In college, I didn't have a car for the longest time -- didn't get my driver's license until after I was twenty ... couldn't afford a car or the gas ...and lessons with a British driving instructor for my 18th birthday, over in England ... going 60 mph., in a standard transmission, on tiny winding English roads --and on the wrong side of the road to boot! -- scared the hell out of me! So I rode my bicycle everywhere: to and from campus, to the mall, to the grocery store -- my college bike is still in great shape and in the garage. I must have well over 10,000 miles on that thing?!

Anyway, I got to where a 15 mile ride was piece of cake. I could even ride in the snow -- that takes talent and I fell hard on more than one occasion, but you do what you gotta do! Then, I started riding longer and distances -- just to see how far I could go. Before I knew it, I was going on 25 mile, 35 mile bike rides and longer. When my right knee gave out for running, I became a cycling fool. I even trained for the Texas Hotter than Hell 100, one year B.K. and B.C. -- before Ken and kids --but I got very ill and wasn't able to make the race. Life took off in a different direction after that. I always regretted not making that race. They have something similar up here. Our church has a group of avid cyclers that partake every year. Maybe, I'll work up the courage and make the time to partake this year?

I'm glad that I took the time to stop and swing ... to reminisce ... to think happy thoughts about happy times ... take some time to think for you. I'll let you borrow the swing and even give a push to get started. : )Peace and blessings to you ... guess it's time to go back through the looking glass.

P.S.  A friend of mine recently shared his good news with me:  after years without a car, he had purchased a fixer-upper from a friend.  Can't even begin to think how I would do my life now without a car  ... but it was fun to reminisce about the days when I was able to do just that ... and to remember the joys of  NOT having a car.  Here's to you Paul:  enjoy your new treasure and the fun you're having fixing it up!  : )

9/15/09  One step forward ... two steps back ... I'd like to think that overall we're moving forward ... but sometimes it seems as if we're just standing still?

 'The good wife' ... they've made a TV show with this title. I may just have to watch ... perhaps I can gleam something about my present circumstances from this show? Although typically, I'm not much of a TV fan ... too many other useful things to do. I used to be a news junkie, but since the election and the troubles in my personal life: I've taken a news break. Funny thing is, aside from knowing the weather -- which luckily is pretty predictable up here -- I don't miss the news and I am a lot less stressed. Go figure?

But back to the 'good wife' ... I've been asking myself a lot lately, "Am I a good wife?" Well, in the conventional wisdom, stereotype, of a good wife ... Answer: PROBABLY NOT. I'm very opinionated and head strong, but I'm willing to listen and negotiate. I'm also very passionate and sometimes moody, but I make life interesting. I love to throw caution to the wind and try something new ... something to break the old boring, totally mundane routine. Ken is very stable and very predictable. I used to think that we complemented each other in that respect. He gave me stability and I gave him a sense of adventure.

I'm not a fanatic about having a clean and orderly house, but my house is cleaned on a rotating regular basis ... still, on any given day, you may find dust on the end tables, a stack of papers on the table, kids shoes and coats on the floor and smudges on the glass. Big deal! My kids, my husband, and living life are my priority ... not the orderly state of the house in which we dwell.

I'm also not a great cook, but I get by. My kids joke that their mom actually has the ability to burn water -- that's another story ... too embarrassing to share here. I hate to follow a recipe! Must be the Cajun French in me? I love to see what ingredients we have on hand and make a creation of my own -- usually something with seafood and/or pasta. Love mushrooms -- preferably portabella ... rather have these sautéed than any chocolate on the planet! ... I love to cook with red wine and fresh herbs too. Most of the time, my creations turn out pretty darn good, I'd have to say ... when they don't, I'll fix PB and J sandwiches. Flexibility is my mantra! And I think that I'm raising kids that will, in turn, be flexible and adaptive. But make me follow a recipe and I'll probably screw it up ... I just get bored and my eyes glaze over ... Ken is the recipe following chef and he can cook up a storm -- thanks to his Italian grandmother who raised him -- when he has the time and inclination. He used to cook a lot for me before we had kids. Now he has to settle for my meager fare.

Okay, so those are the negatives ... on the positive side, I think that I am a very supportive wife. I encourage Ken to try new things -- like learn how to play the guitar ... which he now absolutely loves and he's pretty good at it too. He has the ability to figure out and play things by ear ... something I'll never be able to do! I give him space to do his own thing ... like golf and now sailing. I encourage Ken to try new things in his career, listen to his concerns and try to be supportive of his choices. When he needed to work out of state in order to have a certain job, or work experience: I stayed with the kids and did the single parent thing. The last time we did this was a year ago, when Ken came up to the Northwest and worked for 9 months. I stayed in Texas with the house and kids -- that was really, really hard and probably the beginning of the strain on our marriage now that I think back. At the end of nine months, Ken had no plans to come back and work opportunities in Texas weren't great. So I said: 'We're coming up there!' I guess the cost and the logistics of the move, kids readjusting to new schools, keeping the house in Texas until we knew if living up here could become permanent, etc. was also a strain on our marriage.

But back to the positives -- THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE THERAPY ... BUT HEY, AT LEAST I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT?! : ) Besides, listening to someone else's troubles, seeing their flaws, is supposed to make you feel good about your life and yourself, no? So positives:  I'm a very spiritual person. I believe in a Creator, not necessarily in established religions -- although, I do find the study of established religions absolutely fascinating -- but in a higher power ... in God. I have an ongoing conversation with God daily ... He gets me through the hard times, and He provides me insight and guidance when I'm not too stubborn to shut up and listen. I am also the spiritual head of our household, which is hard. I had hoped that one day Ken would assume this role, but he shows absolutely no interest. Not two weeks ago, I said 'Ken, I'm really not feeling well. Would you take the kids to church without me?' His answer: 'No. I love you, but church is just not my thing. I go to church for you ... for the kids, because it seems important to you, but if mom doesn't go: then no one is going.' I guess there is a big disconnect between us on a spiritual level, and Ken won't ever have that conversation with me -- believe me I've tried ... I'm very passionate and he ends up accusing me of screaming and raising my voice, then he walks away and I'm left in tears. The religion ... God discussion is off limits in his book. Okay tears are flowing again ... and I have work to do. I'll have to finish my analysis later. Blessings to you!

Catch ya later ...

9/15/09 late p.m.

In reading over this entry again -- at a later point and without tears – I reallize as a wise friend said just today, we – Ken and I – and me individually may need some outside help to get through this time. I’ve tried therapy and it didn’t help me much -- in my humble opinion, that is. Ken’s never pushed me to keep going to therapy either, because he knows what a strong and resourceful person I am. But perhaps, at this point in time, an outside perspective would be helpful? I guess that I can’t fix everything on my own? I’ve begun to loose my perspective maybe? That’s why hope peaks and then wanes? That’s why I feel as if we’re standing still sometimes? Maybe a third party can help Ken and I have the God discussion? I know that Ken believes in a God on some level. I wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t. He just doesn’t want to rely on a God, or make him a priority in his life; he leaves that to me.

It is very very hard for me to trust others, especially outsiders. Hard for me to even rely on friends and family, to burden them with my needs. Once in awhile I need a sounding board, but I hate asking for much beyond that. So forcing myself to trust, or rely on an outsider to help during this difficult time will be very difficult for me. It will take some doing for me to talk myself into doing the counselor -- or therapy or whatever-- thing … and then, even more to work up the courage to suggest it to Ken. But I guess that I’ve put it off long enough? I’ll start the discussion with myself and see how it goes …

Ken is a wonderful man. He’s absolutely brilliant and very resourceful – I used to tease him and call him ‘Mr. Mensa’ when we first met, because his IQ is over 160. I love the way his mind works. : ) I think that I am a better person for having known him. There is no task that he sets his mind to that he cannot accomplish. He is very loving and very patient most of the time -- but he has a mean temper when he is cross ... In his defense, however, my moodiness is probably no picnic either. Ken is a great dad, very nurturing, supportive, and even playful at times. He tries to help out around the house with cleaning and stuff, he even does his own laundry most of the time – but in truth, his efforts are mostly because he is so picky about the way his laundry is washed and how it’s folded. He loves me in his own way. He’s not very romantic, not very affectionate, and not much of a talker -- unless it's about the Gators during college football season : ) ... but that’s just who he is.  Ken was romantic while we were dating … that gives me hope that the romantic spark could ignite in him once again. He tries to be supportive of me and the things that I want. He respects my opinion and actually listens to what I have to say.

I think that the stresses in our lives this past 1.5+++ yr., and always being parents first and a couple second, is what sent us into this rough patch. I guess when times are tough: it’s human nature to seek out the uncomplicated? I think that despite my lack of patience: I am a very forgiving person. I really do want to work through our problems and get back to where I was when I made the entry in my blog on 8-09-2006, Titled: 'The One You Love...'.  I said, "When you're with the one you love you feel as if you could fly ...I am truly a better person and enjoy life more fully than I ever would've on my own thanks to the love of my life and my husband of 10++ years."  And I truly meant every word of that at the time ...

I think as I read back over what I wrote about myself, earlier, that I am definitely a bit eccentric, but that doesn’t make me a bad wife, does it? It just makes me a different kind of wife – definitely not a Stepford wife, but that’s not what Ken wanted or he wouldn’t have married ME, right?

I think too that maybe I need to let Ken know everything that has been going on with my feelings for a past love during the writing of my book and during this rough time between us. Maybe my honesty will help him to be more honest with himself and me? Maybe the guilt that I feel for having these feelings at all is subconsciously holding me back … keeping me from moving forward? Maybe confinding in Ken, will help me to set this past love free and move on with the healing in a more definitive way?

I do have to give Ken credit, I told him that I had made a male friend that I was corresponding with in an ongoing philosophical discussion – just since August. I didn’t want to lie or sneak around, and I wasn’t looking for it to happen, but this friend and I made a connection. He is also a logical (thinking) soul and a kindred spirit, with a warm heart and great sense of humor. Anyway, about two weeks after our initial contact: I told Ken what was going on, how it happened, and I showed him my friend’s blog and the intial email that started our conversation. I told Ken that I would stop writing if it made him uncomfortable. Ken said, as long as it was just a philosophical discussion that he was okay with my new friend and me continuing to write back and forth – of course, he made sure that my friend lived far away in another state too. Ken’s response really surprised me and gave me a new respect for him.

Guess that those that we love can surprise in both good and bad ways, even after 10+++ years of marriage? Go figure? Guess that’s probably why they say: ‘For better or worse’ in the marriage vows. Guess that Ken and I have been lucky that we've had years of nothing but good thus far, before the worse part kicked in … And so life marches on, but with hope for better days ahead.

I think that I’m going to stick to reminiscing on happy times in my Secret Garden from now on. I need more happiness in my life … I’ll save the rest of the soul searching and reflecting for the counselor or therapist or whatever! I’m off to swing some more … then maybe I’ll slip into a good book (everyone else is in bed asleep already?! And it’s only 10:45 p.m.). God Bless you who pass this way … sleep well … sweet and peaceful dreams to you…



P.S. 9/16/09  A dear friend suggested that I should probably wait to reveal my feelings and things that I have been feeling for my past love until Ken and I are actually in a therapy session with a third (unbiased) party.  Probably good advice.  Nice to have a caring friend shed some light and perspective on my darkness ... sometimes things that are right in front of you are hard to see when you're experiencing emotional pain.  Thanks Kathy!  You are a treasured friend ... so glad that you are in my life!  Girl Scout meetings today after school and we're picking up Bethany's violin for her first lessons -- she's so excited ... fun to see! ... Gotta run ...

9/17/09 Someone -- don't know if it is B.L. -- is still making art post that are pulling on my heart strings ...

The last art post was titled 'A SYMBOLIST'S ODE TO EDGAR ALLEN POE'. It was posted by 'dayyamae-feuin'. Try to go through that as an acronym? With 'M.A.', as my first and maiden name and 'E', for England -- where we went to school. Is that stretching it?

In the 'Thoughtful, Bemused' album, posted by 'folkysteve_aqrdw' -- another partial acronym? -- I referred to the fact that "I loved the symbolism" in the paintings choosen for the album -- when I left a comment for the album.

Whoever it is, B.L. has my email address and my blog address, but still he chooses to make no direct contact with me. If it is him speaking, he is speaking in riddles to me ... I am too emotionally drained, tired and confused to understand ... to even try to begin to comprehend ... what he is trying to say. His silence speaks louder to me than all of these art posts and their words. His silence says to me, 'I couldn't be friends with you then and I can't be friends now ... move on.' I don't know ... maybe one of these days, when this fog clears, I will be albe to look back on these ablums and understand.

In my present state of mind: simple and direct words are what I need in order to give my heart peace and to begin the process of moving on?

I'm done with art albums and art posts for awhile ... I'm making my stuff private and just taking a break from needlessly torturing myself any longer.  I said 'farewell' ... it's done ... over ... I'm sincerely going to try to get on with moving on.

9/18/09  The tears have finally dried up a bit.  I can see to read the screen and type clearly now.  I slept some last night.  That helps ... In writing to a friend about where I'm at right this minute and what I'm feeling right now, I realized that if I were B.L. I wouldn't want to make contact with me at this tumultuous time in my life either.  I wouldn't want to be responsible for adding anything -- hope or pain -- to what I (me) am already feeling and going through.  I would want to wait until the other person worked through their issues and figured out where they stood before I said or did anything.  So I guess that I understand the silence now ...

I still wish you only the best, B.L..  You were a good friend and I've never connected with anyone else on the spiritual level that I felt we connected on ... ever ... and I may never again, but that's alright ... that's just the way life works sometimes?  As I've said before, you will always hold a very special place in my heart, and I will keep you and your beautiful family in my prayers for peace, for joy and prosperity in your lives.  As for the silly questions that I wanted answered ... well, I'll just use my imagination and make up my own silly answers.  I do remember one thing from our days of youth, however ... you wanted to be a judge and possibly go into politics.  Whatever happened to that dream?  Hopefully, your dreams are still alive ...

Peace to you ...


P.S. If the art albums were you ... they are beautiful, especially the 'Thoughtful, Bemused'.  I think that I understand that one the best.  The 'Ode to E. Poe' is dark and sad ... without hope, if I read it correctly?  Forever eclipsed in night?   I feel that way sometimes, lately, too.  If that is you, and that is how you feel, please keep hope.  Does knowing someone out here loves you, is rooting for you, praying and hoping for you ... for your dreams to be realized help any?  I believe in you ... you can be anything you set your mind and heart to:  so don't be afraid to reach for the stars.  I like the notion that the stillness of the lake is an illusion and that underneath he is wild ... that is 'lovely'. 

The pictures, in the Poe album, are captivatingly beautiful.  Almost ethereal.  The words are charged with emotion.  Together, the pictures with the words ARE spellbinding: enrapturing.  I didn't want to see ... to admit ... the true meaning of this album upon my first viewing.  In looking over the album again, with additional insight, I do see the meaning of the album now ...

'The Reflection', by Ferand Khnopff
So blend the turrets and shadows there that all seem pendulous in air.

This painting at the center of the album speaks the loudest to me ... it says, to me, that the author has discovered that he is merely reflecting back what he thinks the world wants to see, and this realization contributes to his overall sadness.  While it may have taken a gentle, loving nudge, to open the author's eyes, only the author has the power within himself to change that.  Of course, those that love the author can pray for him ... believe in him ... hope for him.  Know that I will be doing these things for you, my dearest B.L. ... because, even if this album wasn't you ... I get the strong sense that this center picture speaks for where you are at in your life right now.

Beautiful songs, from a beautiful movie. Maybe even 'Death' has a heart after all?

Song: Whisper of a Thrill, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

Song: Someone Else, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

Song: Walkaway, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

9/18/09 p.m. (while waiting for pizza to return)  'Fly on the Wall'...

I go downstairs to grab something to drink. I bring Ken up a Guiness from the fridge ... of course I open it for him and take the first few sips ... we're up in the bedroom, where the PC is ... kids are playing at the school with Lauren's cell phone. I can see them from the window, by the computer, from time to time ...

KEN - out of nowhere, but in a playful way -- after a long day and a few sips of his beer, while watching Fresno State play football  (I'm listening to new music on my playlist in the same room ... trying to introduce Ken to some new stuff -- there's a role reversal?!):

'wonder if e-harmony would have matched us up?'

ME, with a laugh and a smile -- Ken came home and surpised me this morning:

'probably not in a million years ... must have been fate.'

KEN: 'you don't believe in fate ...'

ME: 'yah ... that's right ... I don't, do I? well, I believe in reincarnation ... we've probably been this way before ... you think?'

No repsonse from Ken ... Fresno has just run near 70 yards for an 'INCREDIBLE!' -- me (think) Fresno State 'incredible'?!! -- touchdown ... they're in process of doing it again ... that's why I'm typing this ... at least the computer listens?@!

ME: 'Paul bought a new guitar .. a bass guitar .. I don't know much much about electric guitars ... what is a 1972 Fender Jazz Bass re-issue, Geddy Lee, Signature Edition? Is it expensive?'

Commercial ... I have his attention once again ...

KEN: 'Geddy Lee was the bass guitarist for 'Rush' ... so that's probably a reissue of a guitar he played ... yeah, probably about a grand for something like that.'

ME: 'Wow! That explains it: Paul is a HUGE 'Rush' fan. ... Pizza for dinner tonight? I'm craving pizza and my stomach isn't hurting for a change ... What do you think?'

Must be an interesting commercial?!

KEN: Delay ... 'Sounds good. ... Guess I'm picking it up?'

ME: 'Sounds good to me. I'll call it in ... What kind do you want?'

No response ... My choice, I guess...

END OF CONVERSATION == I pick up the phone to order the pizza ... we'll try again later. Baby steps ... baby steps ... least, I am smiling a bit today and not crying my eyes out, like yesterday.

Just had thought:  Do I really want flies in my 'Secret Garden'? ... something to ponder while I indulge my pizza craving.  : ) Like having a 'Secret Garden' ... fun to run around barefoot, almost wild and free!

P.S.  If you're in an adventurous mood:  check out my 'trying out some new stuff' playlist, song #53 -- oops, I deleted a song! Should be 'Butter', by the Bloody Beetroots ... comment explains why ... trust me, it'll be worth your while ... intoxicating!

9/19/09 I wonder ... does experiencing pain ... any kind of pain have the potential to awaken us ... awaken our senses ... our appreciation for things that we used to walk right on by ... not even notice?  Now that I feel as if I am starting up the upside of the emotional pain and turmoil that I've been experiencing these past few weeks +++, I feel ... this morning, strangely alive? Not even sure if that is the right word?  But every smell is stronger, every color is brighter, music is sweeter, a hug from my kids feels warmer, food even tastes to me once again.  I don't know what it is, but I hope that it lasts ... (maybe I will share this on my regular blog post?)

Erynn scored a goal at her soccer game today.  YEAH! She was excited!  Her team wasn't crushed this time and our team parents weren't so apethetic this time.  I swear, it took every ounce of restraint that I had, at the last game, not too jump up and snatch the newspaper from a mom  --- who was more interested in her Saturday paper than in her daughter playing in the game.  When the poor little girl would come and sit by her mom during her breaks, she would criticize her daughter's performance.  What nerve?  What a crappy parent?! -- and SMACK her with it!!!!  I didn't do it, but I sure imagined myself doing it!  Instead, I tried to compliement the little girl and give encouragement to the team as whole.  Still don't know all of the little girl's names -- though I know most -- so I was cheering for jersey numbers.  My small voice was drowned out by the oposing teams' parents -- who were all wearing matching t-shirts in support of their daughters -- but I hoped that my action would inspire the other parents to do more than just sit there with their eyes glazed over.  It would be frustrating, if I didn't think that perhaps God put Erynn on that team for a reason.

Lauren has a late game this evening.  I won't be able to go, because I will taking Bethy and E.J. to a drive-in movie camp-out with the Girl Scouts.  70% chance of rain too?!  This should be fun!?!  We may have to opt out on the sleepover part ... we'll play it by ear. 

Peace to you ... mine is slowly returning...

9/20/09  Cold, damp and rainy last night. Tents were turning into kites. They had to park cars and tie the tents to the cars. Ground was too wet, I guess? Over an hour and half to drive there, but we made it okay. We may live up here now, but the bone-chilling, wet cold is something that we still haven’t adjusted to yet; we’re still die hard Texans in that respect. My girls didn’t even want to sit outside in the biting cold wind and watch the movie, so we watched from the comfort of the car. That was okay with me, cause the two things that I can’t stand to be are cold and wet. Needless to say, we didn’t wind up sleeping over. We’ll have to stick to warmer weather camping?

Got home around 2:00 a.m., but I’m just getting my second wind then, so that was no problem. Kids can crash anywhere, so they slept while I drove. As I was driving along a narrow, and extremely winding road – watching for large, cow-sized deer to jump from the shadows into the road – I wondered to myself:  'Is a state’s highway infrastructure in anyway indicative of that state’s political leanings?' I used to make fun of Texas roads and the ‘brilliance of Aggie engineering’, but Texas roads – despite the never-ending road construction – are well-ordered and for the most part and somewhat straight. I have yet to drive on a STRAIGHT road up here! And God forbid you miss your exit ?! You have to drive At least another two miles before you can get off and turn around. Driving up to the drive-in movie theater, I had to make three, 90 deg. Turns just to stay on the same highway?! Can you deduce that we’re now living in very liberal leaning state?

The movies at the drive-in were: bad and good. ‘Shorts’ is now at the top of my list – or at least tied anyway, with ‘Fargo’ – for the all-time worst movies that I’ve ever been forced to watch. It was pretty painful. Even Erynn Jeanne, at one point, sunk her head into her hands and cried out in agony, ‘Oh, just make it stop! This is so horrible! I can’t take it anymore!’ Guess that about sums up that movie. Second movie was better though: ‘Up’. Cute movie! Interesting storyline. Impressive animation. Loved the notion of a couple being in love and growing old together. The overall message of the movie was good too: that LIFE ITSELF is the adventure, surrounded by the one’s that we love and that love us in return.

On the quiet, dark drive home – while listening to 70’s music -- I thought about what I had been feeling yesterday ... the fact that I felt 'strangely alive.' I think that I had just reached that point – and I’ve been there before … been awhile, but I remember it now – where I was completely broken again … there was nothing of me … of my will left, so a higher power steps in to sustain me and begin the process of rebuilding me again. I think that the fact that I had a spent a day in mourning, and letting go of my past love, coupled with the fact that I had committed myself to seeing a therapist, were also instrumental in the initiation of the rebuilding process, and hence, contributed to the feeling that I was alive once again. So, I’m on my way back, right?

Another thought went through my mind as I was driving too … doesn’t a flame –light bulb-- always burn brightest right before it goes out? I’ve never felt that I was meant to live very long in this life … in fact, I’m surprised that I’ve made it this far, given everything that I’ve been through. I always felt that I would be lucky to live past 33. But one thing is different about this life for me … children … I don’t think that I’ve ever been a mother before, so maybe that changes things? As eccentric and screwed up as I am, I think that I am a good mother. I think that I am raising brilliant, loving, and creative kids who will truly make a difference in this world. They will not be cattle, easily led by others, they will be leaders, thinkers, instruments of hope, hopefully peace and change. Maybe, I’m not here to make a difference myself, but to help my children make the difference?

Well, that’s enough reflecting … a sunny day is here today. It’s beautiful outside. Maybe I’ll spend some time outside reading or writing. Ken is taking the kids out to a park for a hike. I came across a photo of Ken and I, as I was cleaning up in the bedroom – still have lots of boxes, as this house is smaller than ours in Texas … and we’re renting here … have to move again next June ... so don't want to unpack everything anyway -- I came across a photo of Ken and me on our wedding day, Dec. 28th, 199X ... . I look like a baby – to me, anyway – in the photo. Ken does too. Our wedding day seems like a lifetime ago some days ... and just like yesterday, every once in awhile ... in a few stolen moments.

'Narcissus', By John William Waterhouse
Image Courtesy of
The Winter Flower

9/21/09  It is hard to put your heart on the line and risk being hurt ... seems as if I've had my heart broken twice just recently -- although the second heartbreak actually happened long ago ...  but, I'm just getting around to processing it now.  Despite it all:  I'm still here ... I'm not giving up ... and hopefully I'm on my way to peace once again.  In truth, I think that the unspoken regret later in life would have been worse than the heartbreak that I have been going through these past few weeks+++.

I worked up the courage, today, to tell Ken that I wanted to see a therapist.  I don't want him to think that I am coming unraveled ... because on the outside, these past few months, I've kept up a strong front for the kids ... and for him to some extent.  I tried to only cry in private.  I could see the alarm in Ken's eyes, when I told him ... his mind wandering back to the dark times at the beginning of our relatioship, when I was a broken mess.  I reassured him that I'm not going there again ... that I just needed to talk to an unbiased third party, to have someone listen ... listen and talk back.  He said to do what I needed to do.  So I am ...I still haven't worked up the courage to suggest that we see a marriage counselor together.  That will be a tougher battle.  Me seeing someone is one thing; him being involved in the process is another matter entirely.

When I think back on being a child:  my earliest recollections of myself are of someone who was fearless ... absolutely fearless ... I lived life to the fullest, every moment of everyday ... but with each subsequent attack, I lost a bit more of that fearlessness ... I went through many years as an adolescent and teen being shy, withdrawn and introverted ... it is only since coming to terms with my past abuses, on some level as an adult, that I've begun to reclaim some of that fearlessness once again.   I think having kids has helped me further along on this quest, because I want my kids to have a courageous ... fearless ... feminine role model.  I want them to know that they can do whatever they set their hearts and minds to ... nothing is impossible, if you believe in yourself and a higher power, God, a Creator.

I remember, like it was yesterday, the day that I stopped singing ... I was five years old ... it was the first time that I can remember being attacked. There have been a few times, since that terrible day ... so long ago ... that I have been able to make myself sing, or pretend to sing ... but I was not singing with my whole heart.  I sang to my children when they were little and I was alone with them, but I always cried afterwards ... and I would stop if anyone else came into the room.  To this day, I can't sing in public places or even just among family.  I can't even sing at church ... I've tried, but the words just won't come out.  That will probably be my hardest mountain to climb, but when I reach the top of that mountain ... I think that I might just be completely whole once again.

'Portrait of a Girl', By John William Waterhouse
Image Courtesy of

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite things to listen to ... when I am feeling low ... I especially love the voices in this song ... they are angelic.  If I could sing only 1/10th this beautifully someday that would be divine; this song, in particular, gives me hope that I may one day achieve this dream.  This entire work transports me to another place ... a safe place, without fear or pain ... I love to escape into the music.

9/22/09  The writing has been slow these past few weeks+++.  I've been too emotionally overwhelmed to focus clearly, but today it's slowly coming back.  Gives me hope for finishing, one day, in the next few months.

Here's what I'm listening to, today, while taking a short break to swing ...

It is a beautiful world ... even if, from time to time, we experience pain while living it.  As I said, the other day: 
"I wonder ... does experiencing pain ... any kind of pain have the potential to awaken us ... awaken our senses ... our appreciation for things that we used to walk right on by ... not even notice? Now that I feel as if I am starting up the upside of the emotional pain and turmoil that I've been experiencing these past few weeks +++, I feel ... this morning, strangely alive? Not even sure if that is the right word? But every smell is stronger, every color is brighter, music is sweeter, a hug from my kids feels warmer, food even tastes to me once again. I don't know what it is, but I hope that it lasts ..."

Maybe the pain reminds us to BE ALIVE ...

9/23/09 As I was working out today -- my version of therapy : ) : I thought about what I wrote yesterday, and why I choose to have a Secret Garden. I think the pain reminds me that my spirit is like a garden ... and mine has not been watered in a very long time. I need to do some weeding and some watering! And my husband needs to step up to the plate and be the one who helps me tend my garden. I'm not talking about our sexual relationship ... I'm talking about our spiritual relationship. I shouldn't have to look elsewhere for spiritual companionship?! Should I? Now, I just need to figure out how to have that conversation with Ken ... and see where it goes.

9/24/09  Growing up in my family, the manta was -- and apparently still is -- "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil."  I come from a long line of supressors and deniers ... I wonder if there is an actual gene that carries these traits?  As I've been going through the things I've been feeling lately, I try to keep what I'm going through to myself because if I confide in one single person in my family:  immediately the whole family knows everything and they all have incessant advice that basically boils down to 'cram it all back inside and carry-on on with the status quo.' 

And they wonder why, as a child, an adolescent, a teenager ... I kept things about my abuse from them?

My mother shares with me her story of her time of trial in her marriage, but then in the very next sentence basically tells me to deny my time of trial ... that it's Satan trying to tempt me?  Well I do believe in the existence of evil and I do believe in temptation, but my approach will NOT be denial.  I want to confront the temptation head on, work through it and defeat it.  That is the ONLY way to get rid of it and not always have the doubt there festering under the surface.  I can't live that way anymore!!  I did it as a child and I WON'T do it as an adult.  I just WON'T!

I think that my mother's concern -- what I get for confiding in a sister? -- is that I may wander from my relationship with my husband.  I think that if I were going to do that, I would have done it by now; and I haven't.  Didn't click why I was so struck by the quote that I posted on 9/19:

"Not all who wander wonder; then again - not all who wonder wander."

Until just now ...

I am wondering, but I haven't wandered.  I have a good  heart, hopefully a good soul ... and I want to do what is right, I just don't want to loose myself in the process.  Does that make any sense?

9/25/09  I wonder sometimes ... is Ken afraid to show me just how much he truly loves me because he is afraid that if he does, he will appear weak somehow ... that I will suddenly find him boring ... and maybe leave?   A thought that I will definitely explore with the therapist.

If I have been anything throughout all of these years of marriage: it has been loyal and faithful.  I would just like to see myself reflected in my husband's eyes once again.  Is that too much to hope for?  You can't ask for it ... it has to be deeply felt and freely given ... and I am afraid that seeing myself reflected in the eyes of the one that I love is something that I don't think that I can compromise on.  I would slowly wither away and die without it ... I can fast for awhile, but not indefinitely.

9/26/09 Late soccer games today.  Went to a party with co-workers of Ken's last night.  A farewell to a couple who are taking a year off to tour the country in their RV.  They've sold, or given away, almost all that they own.  Sounds like quite an adventure is in store for them, especially with a 2 year-old and a four month old baby on board.  Talk about changing your perspective?!  Well, more power to them! : )  Fun party, but way too much drinking.  Why do people always get LOUD when they've had too much to drink?  I had a headache at the end of the evening, but not from having too much to drink:  just the VOLUME of the party ... I think?  I managed to finish one whole glass of wine over the course of the evening -- but it may have actually been  more than that, cause everytime I turned around  it seemed as if my glass was somehow full again?  Maybe that's why I had the headache? Oh, well ...

Here is a poem that I've been tossing around over the course of the last week ... off and on.  Not sure if it's quite done yet?  It may still need some tweaking, but here it is what I have anyway.  The subject matter is a traditionally taboo topic in our society:  Death.  Did a chill just run down your spine? 

Why such a creepy ... dark... subject matter, you ask?  Well my experiences, of late, have caused me to rexamine my thoughts ... my beliefs .. on the subject of Death ... so, here goes:  this is what I've come up with thus far ...

'The Angel of Death', By Evelyn Pickering De Morgan
Image Courtesy of

@September 2009, Michelle C. of

The Unexpected Angel

Death is not dark. He is not cold, nor is he evil. On the contrary, Death is quite simply misunderstood. No faceless, black robed, sickle bearing demon is he. Death has a face, and a rather handsome one at that. And though his countenance does not bear signs of age, his eyes are filled with the wisdom of ages; for Death has witnessed the rise and fall of many once great nations.

Death does not set about his task with joy nor malice, as fable and legend would have the world believe. No indeed, Death has a warm and gentle, almost tender, nature. His compassion is beyond measure, for he has personally borne the pain of every soul ever placed into his charge. Death takes no twisted pleasure in his work, but neither would he ever trust his many charges to the care of another.

Death is harbinger to weary bodies and souls, and protector of the innocent who seem to have been taken from this life before their time. He lovingly guides the way between this life portal and the next.

Death is the keeper of the Door to Rebirth. His shouldering the burden of that heavy door gives birth to the possibility of growth for the soul and the hope of eventual enlightenment for all souls.

Death heals the broken hearted, by mercifully laying unrequited loves to rest. His act of kindness grants peace to those held in the cruel grasp of unrelenting pain, giving the heart leave to be open to new possibilities and the hope of love once again.

Death can give us wings. Like a butterfly's chrysalis, Death provides us a safe space, in his loving embrace, where we are allowed to fall completely apart so as to emerge once again, rebuilt anew, stronger and wiser in this life.

And so, hopefully, you now see that Death is many things: Guide and Protector, Father, Healer and Lover ... none of which are to be feared, but instead should rather be revered. I wonder, could it not be said that Death has perhaps the biggest heart of us all?

@September 2009, Michelle C. of   

'Sleep and His Half Brother Death', By John William Waterhouse
Image courtesy of

What do you think?  Am I totally out in left field here?  Yes?  No?  Maybe? 

I guess, that I just have a newfound respect for Death ... what can I say?  The ideas in this poem, about death, help to explain how I've gotten through these last few weeks to some extent.  I've had to die, in some respects, in order to be able to carry on in my life, in the here and now ... And when I hit rock bottom, I did fall 'completely apart', but I've emerged from my chrysalis now stronger, hopefully wiser, and ready to face the world once again.

On that note:  here are some beautiful songs, from a beautiful movie ... And, I really do think ... having taken some time to ponder ... that Death truly does have the biggest heart of us all ...

Do you perchance agree?

Song: Whisper of a Thrill, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

Song: Someone Else, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

Song: Walkaway, Motion Picture 'Meet Joe Black'

9/26/09 late p.m. ...  I have insomnia bad tonight ... headache still too ... I am very restless ... it's going to be a long night!  : (   As usual, Ken is sleeping like a baby, five minutes after his head hits the pillow.  I envy him that, but I am also glad that he is able to sleep so well.  He can't function without sleep like I can.  I will try to write for a while and then see if I can get a movie to help me unwind ... maybe some wine too? 

Ken and I are going sailing tomorrow.  We have finally found a babysitter -- yeah!  It will be good to have some time alone together.  It's supposed to be a nice day out too.  : )  Have a wonderful weekend yourself!


P.S.  I think I'm gonna have to look for another Secret Garden ... this one is starting to act sluggish when I make entries now?  Only one problem ... can't seem to find one?  Too many entries on politics and the like?!  Maybe I'll just start another blog all together?

Found one ... hint:  look for something to do with plants, flowers, etc. ... (I'm not very good at making up clues, am I?)...

8/18/2012   This last fight scared me.  I see the devil of his father in Ken when he gets angry.  I can't share his father's story here, but I know that it haunts Ken.  He doesn't want to be his father, in any way, shape or form, and I have never feared that from Ken until tonight.  Some of my choices suddenly don't seem quite so clear.  What I saw and felt tonight scared the Hell out me, even if I'll try to pretend it didn't ... doesn't.  I think I will go and talk to a counselor even if Ken doesn't want to go as a couple.  Maybe tonight scared him too and he will go now?

8/19/2012  As for Ken going to marriage counseling ... (w.r.t. my previous attempts to go here)... You don't understand.  He says if we go my issues w.r.t. to my past will have to come up because that is so much a part of who I am and he knows and simply says, "You don't want to go there."  And I don't.  I can't.  I can hardly talk to a therapist one on one, one that I trust.  So we won't be going to any marriage counseling as couple, likely, anytime soon.