Sunday, January 01, 2006

MNSG



Secret Garden #6 ...



1/2/2010  I spoke with my Grandmother today ... she is having a hard time losing her last sibling (Aunt Phyllis was the oldest ... my Grandmother, Jeanne is a middle sibbling), but she is hanging in there. I need to get away to visit with her soon. She lives in Minnesota though, and I don't like their bone chilling winters. The thought of having to drive there scares me to death ... I could do it if I had to though. When I lived there I rode my bike everywhere ... including in the snow ... so I've never really driven in road conditions like they have there ... (I was smart enough stay home when roads got bad in Texas ... my life and our high insurance deductible were never worth the risk of driving ... not to mention the other 'idiots' that seemed to come out en masse in adverse weather conditions).

Well, football is officially over for Ken ... the National championship remains, but Ken is happy that his Gators have been redeemed and that Tim Tebow went out with a BANG. So Ken is now focused on me and me getting my 'perfect little black dress'.  At least I get the time of day once again ... power of positive thinking, right? Thus, we are going today, whether I want to or not. Guess, at least this way he will be happy with the end product, no? So I'm off to brave Macy's and the mall ... joyful day to you.

P.M.  Mission accomplished.  Great sale ... I got 2 dresses for the price of one ... can't beat that:  one Ken picked ... short and strappy ... and one I liked ... sleeveless sheer lace ... with a Mediterranean flare ... both black.  So now, he'd better take me out to a place where I can wear them, no?!  :  )  Hate ... opps, I'm not supposed to use that word ... I strongly dislike the mall ... especially this time of year ... way too many people!  I did okay shopping for dresses ... not too many people around, but when we went into the mall proper it was hard to breathe ... I HAD to get outside and I insisted on a restaraunt for dinner vs. the food court.   But we got out of the house, and Ken is happy that I now have not one, but two, dresses that actually fit ... and I didn't have to cook tonight ... guess I'm happy too.  : )  Nite ... sweet dreams!


'Night and Sleep', By Evelyn Pickering DeMorgen
(Image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



1/3/2010  Interesting painting, no?  Is Sleep carrying Night or the other the way around ... not as obvious as you might think.  The sky is still relatively light out ... is Sleep the one with his eyes closed?  Beautiful painting and a fascinating artist. 

I found Ken's sister on Facebook today ... I wasn't even looking for her ... she popped up in that 'suggested list' thing ... weird?  Maybe the universe thought that I needed to find her?  Ken is terrible about keeping in touch with her ... his sister.  She is the only living family that he has too.  I always send Christmas cards, etc., but I am never sure if they are received.  I do get an occassional reply.  Ken gets mad at me for contacting her ... he says that if he wants to talk to his sister ... he will and that I should stay out of it.  I do for the most part, but I won't pretend that she doesn't exist.  Ken had a 'horrible childhood' and he is bound and determined to 'leave ALL of it in the past' ... including his sister ... who to the best of my ability to determine has no fault whatsoever in the 'crapiness' of his childhood.  So I'm going to talk to her on Facebook and catch up her news ... whether Ken likes it or not.  Yes, I can be very headstrong ... stubborn ... and even stupid (I guess?) at times ...

We are quite a pair Ken and me, no?  Both masters of denial ... Don't get me wrong ... Denial can be a very useful and effective tool in allowing a traumatized individual to regroup, focus, and cope ... but it exacts a price to paid to be certain ... I can honestly say that without the tool of Denial that I wouldn't be here today.  I've always felt that you can't change the past, so why waste valuable time and energy dwelling on it.  Ken feels that way too.  The only problem with that rationale is that sometimes the past finds its way back into the here and now ... whether we want it to or not ... and then you have to deal with it (e.g., my horrible nightmares) or it will bring you to your knees ... if the past affects you in the here and now, you've got to get a handle on it or it will continue to rule who you are and who you are capable of becoming

But maybe Denial is at the root of the disconnect between Ken and Me?  Maybe, the secrets that we keep from each other will always be that final gap ... the disconnect between us?  Maybe, that is why we were attracted to each other in the first place?  We each saw in one another someone who wouldn't press into the dark recesses of our painful pasts?  I'll stop myself there ... there is no point in going any further ... Ken won't let me in there and I won't let him into mine ...


'At the Window', By Edward John Poynter
(image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



... (later ... late p.m.)  You know ... it may seem as if I complain a lot here ... but keep in mind, this is just a glimpse of my life ... my place to vent, in an effort to stay sane ... or at least my version of sanity.  This venting allows me to make connections ... like the one above ... Believe it or not, even after a decade+++ of marriage, I had never really seriously thought about the fact that Ken is ... and has been in denial about his past too ... until that very moment (above) tonight.  Ken is always so strong ... so secure ... so self confident ... so decisive ... he won't let me go anywhere near his past ... mostly because he doesn't want to go there ... and so I haven't.  And Ken has respected my wishes not to explore or share parts of my past as well ... but that being said, I wonder if therein lies the real root of the disconnect that I feel exists between Ken and me?  He has to feel it too?  I know he does ... getting him to talk about it however will be like trying to get water out a stone ...  A third party would help, no?  Even if he himself would just talk to someone and then he and I talk superficially about it?  But Ken won't hear of that ... so what do I do?  Maintain the status quo and continue 'to just be' (as I said on my main page New Year's Day post)?  I have so much to be thankful for.  Why do I always think so much?  Why do I want more?  Why can't I tame my restless wild heart ... stop pondering and just be?



1/4/2010  You know, it wasn't until I addressed 'fixing me' that I could have even begun to see what was truly going on with Ken. It was like I was in some sort of fog ... just getting by ... finishing my degree .... getting married, starting to work on my career took absolutely everything in me that I had to give and still be able to keep my past at bay. I truly needed Ken and I think that he needed me to need him.

Soon after graduation and starting post college jobs the focus became working, trying to get me healthy physically and figuring out what was wrong with me with respect to not being able to get pregnant. Once we solved the latter problem, it was a whirlwind of having babies and raising kids, inter-mixed with Ken's working out of state and away from home. There was always something to keep the real issues at bay.

This last time of Ken being away to work in Seattle --while kids and me stayed in Texas-- was when something finally sparked inside me and I realized that I COULD do it all on my own ... that I was strong ... And maybe, me not being emotionally 'needy' anymore scared the heck out of Ken? So he went looking elsewhere? Maybe, my facing my past on some level and trying to put things to right makes Ken feel uncomfortable, because he still chooses to repress and deny his past? He probably doesn't even realize this himself ... heck, I'm just now realizing this?! But maybe that's why Ken seems so distant to me ... especially lately ... Maybe that's why Ken is so distant and tries to be so controlling lately? Maybe Ken is afraid that as I get stronger, I maybe won't need him anymore ... that maybe I will choose to leave?

I don't know ... these are all just suppositions ... but it is like a light has been turned on for me now on my relationship with Ken ... a new way of looking at things in a whole new light. I have a lot to process and figure out ... like what do I do with this new insight ... and how can I use this insight to bridge the gap between ... the disconnect between Ken and me ... and possibly make my marriage something more than 'just being' once again. But I realize one very important thing in all of this: I don't  'NEED' Ken anymore ... but I truly DO LOVE HIM and I DO WANT him in my life.

With this new light ... insight ... illumination, I truly ... finally feel as if all of my hope was not in vain ... was not silly ... nor foolish ... that I'm not merely 'shrinking in order that others will not be hurt' ... that instead, I was just willing to keep hope and make some hard ... not so fun choices ... in hopes of a greater good ... The dreamer in me was right after all.  Go figure ?! : ) : ) : ) : ) : )

Of course, I realize that this illumination ... these realizations outlined above ... alone do not solve everything and make everything right with my world:  there is still a lot of work ... communicating to be done.  That being said, I truly, truly have hope and faith that Ken and me can make our marriage work ... and not just work but better ... that is if HE, KEN, TRULY WANTS IT TO.  We shall see, no?  I just need to be diplomatic ... not one of my strong suits?  But I shall do my best ... So wish me luck : )




'An Offering to Venus', By John William Godward
(Image Courtey of ArtMagick.com)



1/6/2010 Not all Facebook posts are created equal?

Maybe that's why you need 97+ 'friends' on Facebook ... light bulb moment for me : ) You see, I never really got how people actually knew ... or cared about for that matter (?!)... the goings on of 97 - 380 (in one case of a friend I know) so called 'friends'. Now, I see that it is all actually a matter of probability and statistics ... that is, the more people you know: the more likely you are to be entertained by and thus likely to reengage with Facebook again. Am I wrong?

I have only 10 'friends' (now that I've sadly had to say farewell to my email 'pen pal', Paul :( ... and his posts were interesting, funny, and engaging most of the time : ).  All of my 'friends' are female (Ken's stipulation), with the exception of my 15 year old nephew ... the exciting topics range from 'gestational diabetes during pregnancy' ... to 'finally getting to the bottom of the to-be-washed dirty laundry pile' -- which I never ever actually accomplish... and quite frankly could truly care less about.   Pretty Deep conversations and thoughts, no?  Not that there is anything wrong with any of the latter ... it's just not mainstream for me and my always wondering ... searching ... and imagining mind, heart and soul.  Most people just don't get me anyway ... and I accept that ... can be lonely at times though. 


(I'd rather read ... or do almost anything for that matter ... than to have to do laundry ... and my laundry room looks worse than this at any given point in time.  Hey, at least I can be honest and I have my priorities straight.  ; )

But, I shouldn't complain: I have had more meaningful conversations with my youngest sister on Facebook this past month, or two, than I probably have during the whole of our adult relationship, so that is something, no? And connecting with my sister and family ... keeping up with my family was my motivation ... actually arm twisting is more like ... for joining Facebook in the first place.

Still, I miss you Paul and your unique way of looking at the world ... hard to find others who see the world for more that it appears to be, no? Hope you are doing well ... that your Dad is doing better and that he will be out of the hospital soon, if he's not already. Praying for finances too; I know that living away from home and hospital bills can be a big stressor. Maybe, one of these days ... as you said ... on down the road, I will be able to check back in again and actually say 'hello' ... and more. Until then, know that I'm still praying for you and sending good intentions your way. God Bless! : )




1/7/2010  Did you catch my mistake?  : )  Well, if you didn't ... I'm certainly not gonna tell  ya.  : )-

Not much sleep again last night ... yet, I find myself restless today and not tired ... I feel as if I need to FLY ... like I'm missing out on something that I supposed to be doing .... more so today than usual.  Don't know what that is though.  Wonder how much it costs to go to a race track and drive a race car really, really, really fast ... always wanted to do that ... I'm a pretty good driver ... have excellent reflexes ... driving a race car might satisfy this strange feeling that I'm having right now [ ... fastest I've ever been is around 120 m.p.h. (as a passenger)... I was afraid to look at the spedometer after that ... thanks Keith : ) ... hope you and your orange, with black racing stripes, Chevelle SS are doing well, wherever you may be right now.  God Bless!]?  Would love to do that ... need to add that one to my 'Bucket List' ... which is on ArtMagick in a private album.  My Bucket List is  not very long ... guess that's a good thing, no?  Means that I'm actualizing most of the things that I want in my life ... at  least those which I have control over ... the thing I think I want most is not realizable ... actually it is realizable, but not within my power to control ... in this life, at this point and time, anyway. [And if by some chance YOU are reading this ... the answer is Yes ... it's still Yes ... it's always been Yes.]

I wonder if I have a fatal flaw in my personality ... you see, it seems that given two possible (sometimes more) options for determining the motivation behind someone's actions, I always choose the better, more noble motivation to explain another's actions ... I am very hesitant to see the bad in someone ... or to call them on it.  Perhaps, that is how I got myself into trouble in  my youth ... teen years.  I'm not very trusting of others now ... at least I don't think so ... I try to be careful and to listen to my sixth sense when it tries to warn me about something.  Oh well, food for thought ...


'The Flowers of Venus', By John William Godward
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)




[Finally posted this art write-up ... journey down memory lane ... to main blog ... with some minor additions ... proofing, etc. 1/11/2010]

I've been revisitng the Impressionist painters, off and on, this past week or so ... as time permits.  The Impressionists were the first artists that I was ever introduced to. They were presented to me by my French teacher ... of all teachers (?!) ... in junior high, 7th grade: Madame Halcomb. Madame Halcomb was a warm spirit and an old soul, with a zest for life. She had a gift for bringing learning to life: literally!

I can still vividly see Madame Halcomb's warm smiling face, twinkling hazel eyes, and flaming red hair. She could have just taught us French, but she chose to do so much more ... she wanted to introduce us to some of the world's most famous painters ... the Impressionists ... including Monet, Manet, Van Gogh, Renior, and Degas. I have to laugh now ... I probably learned more about art that semester than the French language itself ... but it is precisely because of the art that I happen to remember Madame Halcomb with such fondness. I wonder if she is still with us today? If her firey spirit and tenaciousness are any indication of her inclination toward longevity: she probably is. I can easily see Madame Halcomb being a centurian.


'Girl with a Watering Can', Auguste Renoir


The little 'Girl With a Watering Can', By Renoir  is probably one the most vivid images that comes to mind when I recall the Impressionists. This painting is still one of my absolute favorite paintings to this very day. Degas ballerinas and Monets beautiful gardens (would love to visit the Gardens at Giverny ... need to add that to my Bucket List as well!) are vivid images as well.

....
This is one of my absolute favorite pictures of the night ... I hear Don McLean's ballad 'Stary, Stary Night' in my head everytime I view this captivating painting.  : )



And Madame Halcomb, you would be happy to know that it was the French language ( not German ... not Spanish...) that I went on to pursue in high school and college ... and I am now trying to teach my daughters as well. God's Peace, Light and Blessings to you ... wherever you may happen to be.  And now I'm off to pick up where you left off and explore Morisot, Sisely, Pissarro, Cezanne and more ... Ah, the joy of Art!

[Would love to put this (above) on my front page ... but it needs more work before I do that ... These are just the images that bring back fond memories for me from my days of being 12-13 years of age ... I am certain that there are many, many more beautiful paintings ... images that I have yet to discover. ]

[End Impressionist Art post]


Late afternoon ...
A new campaign (not sure if it is official?) is going around on Facebook and the like ... it's called 'Give Breast Cancer AWARENESS Wings' ... and you know how fond I am of wings.  The campaign asks all women to include the color (not the size!!!! sorry to disappoint) of the bra that they are wearing when they receive the message status ('What's on your mind' box).  So tell all of the women that you know.  Thanks!  : )   .... Gee, I wonder what you put if you aren't wearing one when you get the message 'None'?! : )-

Here's the message I received and sent back out to others if you want to cute and paste ...

"Isabelle xxxxxx January 7 at 2:53pm


My sister-in-law's message ... partake if you wish : )


Jennifer Jones Beige January 7 at 12:52pm Reply

Hey! I updated my status based on a message from a friend...thought you might get a kick out of it. Help spread the wings of breast cancer awareness by putting the color of your bra as your status. Just the color, nothing else. Send this on to ONLY gals, no men. It will be fun to see how long it takes before the men will wonder why all the girls have a color in their status.

Isabelle's Reply: Cute ... and telling. : ) Your idea? "

I personally think that  a link to the national breast cancer awareness page would be appropriate as well, no?

http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/



Not the best dancing, but catchy tune and for a worthy cause  : )





1/8/2010   Had to take Lauren (my oldest) to the bookstore today.  She's burned through yet another series... and these are some thick books, high school level reading.  I swear we spend more on books for her than food.  Library?  Yes, well that works some of the time ... but they don't always have the book she wants, and I have to confess that I am good at racking up $$$library fines$$$ ... I just busy and forget to return on time and fines nowadays add up quickly ... no more nickels, dimes and quarters for late fees ... they get you for dollars per day?!  Might as well buy the books up front at those prices, no?

Anyway, while I was there ... decided to indulge and purchased a big picture* book on Art.  I had viewed this particular book before, but it was just too expensive to justify picking it up ... to own that is.  When I checked yesterday, however, the book was on sale for only $19.99 ... now that I could do.  So I am now the proud owner of a beautiful Art Book, titled "World Art".  It covers all basic Art eras, influential artists and paintings of each era, as well as a detailed explanation of each type of media and its origins ... and development.  I love it!  Spent an hour starting into it last night ... then I switched to a read a fell asleep in the chair again while reading.  Gotta love books, no?  Food for thought as well as the imagination ... an inexpensive way to transport yourself to other places, times and experiences.  : )



'Flaming June', By Frederic Lord Leighton
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



[* ...thought this was my first, but I forgot about books I purchased while in Italy, particularly one on Vatican Museum art  (Those are the part of the move that is at present still packed away ... away our next move in June.).  Also have several books on drawing, like "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain".]


P.S.  This is the work of my middle daughter Bethany, age 10 ...



Somehow (?!), she managed to slip out of her coat, with her arm sleeves still holding up the backpack straps ... and note that the shoes ... deposited directly in front of the coat-backpack ensemble ... are still tied as well?!  Now, I ask you:  is this the epitome of LAZINESS OR EFFICIENCY?   :  )

... Maybe you have to be a mom to appreciate the uniqueness of this?  Kids make you smile in the darndest ways, no?




1/9/2010 3:30 a.m. ... been thinking on the subject of people ... individuals (souls) as lightening rods of sorts ... for events ... connections ... realizations ... inspirations ... lots of ideas churning ... I'll write more when ideas solidify a bit more.  Just took a sleeping pill ... its beginning to kick in ... I'd better turn in.  Nite ...

1/10/2010  I have forgiven you ... completely and unconditionally ... now, wheteher or not you can find it within yourself to forgive you is another matter entirely ... I have no control over that ... Sometimes, these things just take time ...


1/11/2010  I've almost lost track of all of my Secret Gardens? So many gardens ... so many thoughts ... so much writing ... I think that it is time for me to just be quiet and just to listen to what the universe ... the Creator has to say ... just plain old shut up and listen! ... I'm tired ... lack of sleep lately, I guess? ... Listening will be a welcome change ... so, if you've anything to add ... speak now ... now is a good time, because I am listening ...


'Listening to My Sweet Pipings', By John William Waterhouse
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)




'Amaryllis', By William Holman Hunt
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)






One last thought ... for the first time in months, I was able to go back into the poem "Sequel to Hunter's Moon" ... re-read ... and finally finish it ... I wrote this poem in tears and left it unfinished.  I think that I was finally able to go back and finish this poem ... its thoughts ... emotions ... ideas ...because, I finally forgave myself (Christmas Eve 2009) for many things ... among them, not crossing bridges that I should have perhaps crossed.  So now, the poem is finished and laid to rest.  A wise person once said, "If they had truly wanted to find you ... they would have." ... so maybe its not all a matter of 'timing, chance and circumstance' ... as I said in my poem "What then is Immortal?" ?  Anyway, I guess that I am finally in a position to accept and understand those words ... and to at last abandon hopes of any possible friendship, or any other form of reconnecting, now or in the future.  Guess, my motto 'Never say never' doesn't really apply here?  Beyond a certain point ... I guess, hope becomes unhealthy ... becomes insanity? Anyway, it doesn't hurt anymore ... doesn't really feel much of anything right now ...

[1/12/2010  side note:   I just hope that I haven't gone and screwed up again ... w.r.t. 'timing, chance and circumstance'.  Maybe that's why I'm supposed to be listening right now?  Or is this nagging feeling just temptation ... evil trying to ressurect false hope now that I've made my peace with the past?  Should I put a link to the sequel poem out here and let you decide?]




'The Signal', By John William Godward
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)




'Hesiod Listening to the Inspiration of the Muse', By Edmond Aman-Jean
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



Maybe that's why no music here lately?  Because ... I haven't been listening? ... The music just goes right through me these days?  Sometimes ... I think, that perhaps I was made to be broken ... like building muscles, no?  The outcome ... end product ... is stronger for all of the lesser cumulative breaks ... the final break ... release ... being Death ... is it not?  Then again, maybe this strength will be carried over into the next life ... that is, if I have to do this yet again ...




'Venetian Ladies Listening to the Seranade', By Frank Cadogan Cowper
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



'La Belle Dame sans Merci', By Frank Cadogan Cowper
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



[Had not seen this painting of La Belle Dame before ... this interpretation is much lighter ... happier ... although the poem still paints her in a dark light, no?  But here perhaps Cowper shows her better side?]






Some thoughts on this (? maybe not this per se?) and other things here ... http://www.artmagick.com/albums/album.aspx?id=20738


'The Field of the Slain', By Evelyn Pickering DeMorgan
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)





'The Whirlwind of Lovers', By William Blake
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)





'Vigilance, The Gryphon', By Frank Blackwell Mayer
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)




P.M.  I guess, that I WAS meant 'to listen' today ... God had a big message for me ...  http://whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com/2010/01/im-listening-god.html (see my main blog post for today ... which I wasn't even going to write today).  Still waiting to see if that was the only message that I was meant to get from this ... to keep praying for others ... that my prayers do serve a greater good ... still listening ... 

I think all of us would do well to just stop ... stop the insane pace ... be quiet and just listen ... listen to what the universe ... God ... the Creator ... is trying to say to us in our own lives from time to time. 

I think sometimes all of the noise (i.e., false forms of communicating, media bombardment with panic, frenzy and worry, television taking up so much of our free time, the quest for ever more materialism in a false bid for self-worth) just gets in the way of the wonderful beings that God has made us capable of being.

Secret Garden 1 ... poem "The Looking Glass"
Secret Garden 2 ... Worth of All Women
Secret Garden 3 ... Gardening
Secret Garden 4 ... Me and Coffee
Secret Garden 5 ... What If ... Sky's The Limit
Secret Garden 6 ... This one ... MNSG ... label: fishsticks
Secret Garden 7 ... hint: "the box" and something that I seldom watch

[1/7/2011 ... Secret Garden 8? ... There isn't one ... I started another separate blog entirely (1/23/2011: currently password protected, but it hasn't always been and it may open up once again at some point) ... Left a clue in one of my main posts in July-August timeframe ]


1/12/2010 side note: With respect to the poem "Sequel to the Hunter's Moon"  (above) ... I just hope that I haven't gone and screwed up again ... w.r.t. 'timing, chance and circumstance'.   Maybe that's why I'm supposed to be listening right now? Or is this nagging feeling just temptation ... evil trying to ressurect false hope now that I've made my peace with the past on some level? Should I put a link to the sequel poem out here and let you decide?   ... No, I never did throw it into the Sound ... just didn't seem environmentally friendly : ) ... and it wasn't finished ... I like to finish things ... even if it sometimes takes me a decade or two to complete.

The universe is speaking to me ... and I am trying my best to listen, but I'm getting mixed signals today.  Someone I love is in pain ... and I have been reaching out to them all day in prayer ... it feels as if they want to reach out to me, but they don't ... they won't ... and I don't know why?  Am I that unapproachable?  Are they afraid that they will hurt me by sharing their burden?  I'm already sharing it on some level ... and I am stronger than you think. I can't get quite get a clear picture of who they are ... but they are hurting on multiple levels ... I am praying for so many people ... including the person that left a message on my blog yesterday ... I know that they are hurting in a profound way ... maybe that's who I'm feeling? 

I guess it's possible to be that connected to someone that I've never actually met, no?  I felt a very real ... tangible connection to the person who left me that comment when I read their words left in a comment for me.  Maybe a clearer picture will come in tomorrow.  I know God answers prayers ... just not always in our time and sometimes in ways that are beyond our ability to understand.  So whoever you are ... please know that I love you and that you are not alone in this struggle ... this pain that's enveloping you right now ... trying to pull you under ... I am sending my love and healing positive energy your way in force.  I hope that you feel it ... hugging you ... helping to hold you up... give you focus and the courage to prevail ... AND YOU WILL PREVAIL ... keep hope and have faith ... if for no other reason right now, than because of me ... for we are linked in some cosmic way.  God Bless!  ~Michelle


And if you're reading this right now with skepticism ... please take your doubts eleswhere ... they only spawn negative energy here ... I believe and that is faith enough.  Peace and Light ... Blessings to you.

1/13/2010  Things are clearer today ... my stomach is back to not letting me eat again ... that always clears my head ... fasting.  Whoever was hurting seems to be doing a bit better today ... I don't feel their pain as intensely today ... so perhaps the prayers are working.  But I will keep praying for them whoever they may be.

As for "Sequel to the Hunter's Moon" and laying the past to rest ... today, it seems clearer that I've done the right thing ... I can let the past go and stop wasting energy on it.  I am where I need to be and I need to keep moving forward.  Writing seems to come easier today ... hopefully that is a good sign and I will finish the novel soon.  I feel much lighter and less constrained today ... today is a good day ... sun in shining here for first time in days too.  : )

Found a lovely painting that a friend introduced me to ... better detail anyway.  It reminds me a bit of the Impressionist style, and more specifically of the view from my bedroom balcony looking out towards the water ... especially the reflection of the sun in the water ... I see that here too on sunny days ... just breathtaking.

'The Muse at Sunrise', By Albert Alphonse




P.M.  Sun gave way to heavy, dark clouds, and now a steady rain ... not like the drizzle we usually get.  From full sun to stormy clouds with rain ... just another reminder that there is nothing quite as predictable in this world as CHANGE.

: )  Guess, just like the weather, if you don't like the way things are going in your life ... hang in there a little while longer ... things are sure to change!  : )


Not sure where to put this ... was written on another day, but it still applies to circumstances in my life.  Anyway, it needs a home ... may move it later.  Perhaps I'll find the courage to tuck a copy under Ken's pillow?  This poem is far from done as well ... way too wordy!  There is much needing to be conveyed here ... but the emotions are down on paper and therein lies the start ...





'The End of a Quest', By Sir Frank Dicksee
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



@Copyright December 2009 Michelle C. of http://www.whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com/


My Beloved





@Copyright December 2009 Michelle C. of http://www.whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com/



And I feel as if some peace has touched the soul of the one that I felt was in so much pain yesterday.  I sense that they are doing better today.  My heart feels a bit lighter and I am so relieved.  Know that I will continue to pray for you and send healing, loving thoughts your way.  You are child of God ... He loves you and so do I.  May angels watch over you as you head to sleep and sing you peaceful songs as you drift off to sleep.  God Bless!

1/14/09  Very tired today ... have been sleeping, for a change, but it never seems to be enough?  Feels as if I need to sleep for a week in order to catch up ... think I prefer feeling wired to this feeling of tired.   But this too shall pass, no? 


'Lanscape, Twilight', By Samuel Palmer
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)


"The artist and the lover of art"  : )  Profound quote and hopefully a message that you are hanging in there.  Are you the one I'm praying especially for?  God Bless and know that you are ever in my daily thoughts and ongoing prayers.

Praying for the people in Haiti too.





Some parting food for thought ...

"A truly good book teaches me better than to read it. I must soon lay it down, and commence living on its hint. What I began by reading, I must finish by acting."


"All this worldly wisdom was once the unamiable heresy of some wise man."


"Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it."


"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."


"Be not simply good - be good for something."


"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."


"As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness."


"The government which governs least, governs best."   (Amen!)

 
~Henry David Thoreau


"All Democrats are lawyers; they don't have a CLUE how to run a business [or government for that matter]."   ~Ken


Believe it or not, Ken was die-hard Democrat when I first met him.  : ) He even voted for Clinton -- once.  I don't take credit for converting him, but He's a Republican of sorts now ... although, he's unhappy with Republican performances of late ... Perhaps an Independent is a more accurate assessment?  Whatever the case, I respect others' views and sometimes it's okay to agree to disagree ... that's what makes the world go round, no?  Luckily, Ken and I resolved our political differences before kids came into the picture ... agree to disagree doesn't work so well when you're married to the person that you happen to disagree with.  : )  ... Don't know how James Carville and Mary Matalin  do it?!


1/15/2010 


'Angels Passing By', @copyright December 2009 Michelle C. of www.whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com


I wonder if part of the reason that I am so tired lately is my body, my mind, and spirit demanding rest from a wired, restless energy that has dominated my life these past few weeks. So many thoughts, feelings, emotions, hopes, dreams and desires ... finally finding forgiveness within me. I have had this burst of energy and insatiable driving force to do more, see more, be more, understand more. Is this my own midlife crisis or an awakening to a higher knowledge ... purpose, reason for being?


Hopefully, this time of quiet reflection will illuminate what it is that I'm supposed to be doing with this life that I feel privileged to have lived thus far ... as I said before, I never saw myself living beyond 33 ... I don't think I ever made it that far in any of my previous lives ... so maybe this one is different? 33 ...that's come and gone and I'm still here ... so I guess that I'm here for a reason. Death didn't forget about me after all? : )  In fact, we've become quite close friends (written many poems and thoughts on what death is and it is not to me). I think that writing my book and some of the ideas that are in it is a part of what I'm supposed to do ... events in my life over the summer and during the fall kind of reduced my writing output to almost nothing ... well nothing that was worthwhile anyway ... lots of garbage. Since Christmas and the new year, I feel as if I'm back on track again. It's a good feeling ... the fog is lifting and my spirit is ready to take flight once again. There are so many things that I want to see and do ... I have to slow my mind down and focus on where to begin.

One place I am going to begin is to take cello lessons with Lauren. Lauren wants to do this and it is something that I've always wanted to do. I think that the discipline and focus on one instrument ... one I've always loved ... will be good for me and will help to bring about harmony in other areas of my life. It's a new year, the start of a new decade, and after the pain of this summer it feels almost like a new life to me. I'm ready to fly and I won't let the things that've held me back hinder me anymore.




'Eloe', By Witold Pruszkowski


For a friend ...

@Copyright December 2009 Michelle C. of http://www.whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com/


Insurgentes


Insurgentes II

In parting, I’ve finally come to see
To see that the moon, she links you and me.
From the three days hence our meeting first,
To the many dreams since and in between …
The rebel moon, ever-changing,
Boldly refusing to be fixed,
Somehow, and for whatever reason,
She connects me and you.
Do you feel this to be true?

The Nightly Sovereign,
She with her band of Celestial Sights,
You with your inner Light and Fight,
Me with my silly Hopes and Dreams
A Vision of a better life …
A Voice of Reason
Against all of this treason that abounds;
It tries to suffocate,
pull us down and drown.
Yet we two …
Like the Nightly Sovereign …
We too refuse to be fixed
Refuse to yield …
Truth and Wisdom be our shield.

Perhaps that’s why
I can hear in you a truth of sages
That is,
When you’re not so consumed
With all that ages,
And whithers,
All too soon passing into nought.
We two rebel against all we’ve been taught.
We have within us a Wisdom to be told …
A Greatness waiting to unfold.
Perhaps that’s why I see in you a warmth of smile
That reaches out to touch my very soul …
Why I feel in you a kindred spirit …
Though I’ve not yet held your hand.

We’ve both an inner fire, deep within
And burning bright …
A flame that refuses to be quenched …
It provides our Inner Light
Perhaps even our Gift of Sight
It is our reason for the Fight
The pursuit of All That’s Right
A bold quest for Truth
Taking us further from youth of being
Yet closer to a youth of spirit.
Still your thoughts, close your eyes,
Open your heart and listen …
Can you hear it?
The Rebel Call
The cry that will hopefully,
One day,
Unite us all …

Perhaps we’ve parted before our time?
Still, I pray for you time and time again.
Often, I’ve reached out my hand
And heart to you in prayer …
Even though, to you,
It still may seem as if I’m not there
My prayers for you,
For strength and inner peace
For you to find release.
For an awakening
Of ALL that’s best in you …
For your hopes and secret dreams
That in their due time they may be given birth,
At last, realizing the beauty of their worth.

It has been a gift to know you.
For a time,
You’ve quelled the loneliness
That often resides in me.
Truly a joy it has been to meet another …
Even if it were only for a short while …
In this lonely, lonely world,
Who has the power …
The privileged Gift of Sight
To see the world
For more than it would seem.
And so , my friend, in parting I pray:
All that is Truth light your path,
And Wisdom show you the way;
Peace fill your heart and
Joy illuminate your days.
Until we meet again …




@Copyright December 2009 Michelle C. of http://www.whatplanetareyoulivingon.blogspot.com


Song: 'Insurgentes', By Steve Wilson   [ Beautifully moving song ... still trying to discern its full meaning ... but the melody goes straight to my heart ... Insurgentes ... Rebels ...  Rebels for truth ... awakening ... you and me.  Though, you are bit louder about it than me.  : )]

As for the pain, well it's probably mostly from concerns about your Dad that I'm feeling this, no?
1/16/2010 It wasn't you ... wasn't your pain that I was feeling, so I've changed the poem ... but, hard to do on the fly ... so check back in days to come. : )

Heard on talk radio the other day:  FB = E^3 + V^2 + N^1 ... that is FaceBook equals Exhibitionists cubed, plus Voyeurs squared, plus Nebulous Other (e.g., fan groups).  Well, they posed the idea ... I put it into an equation ... must be the engineer in me ... at least it's simple and straight forward ... no partial differentials.  : )-  Do you agree?  Rather telling, no?  I've come to realize that I just want a window ... the less involved I am the better.  I can cheer people on and keep up with their news and that's all I want. Not sure that makes me a Voyeur, though?  Think I fall into the 'Nebulous Other' category.  : )   And I have added guys to my connections ... 'Friends' list ... and the world hasn't fallen apart yet ... holding my ground so far.  No more texting either. People text me now and I send them back a video reply ... finally found a good use for the video feature on my phone.   .... Well, if you're ever in the area ... look me up.  I'll show you the city and be your 'coffee date' ... but hopefully you've found a better one by now?  If not, keep hope ... a time for every purpose under heaven, no?  "; )

"Say what you need to say ... "  and then, go one step further ... actually mean what you say ... this might help in your quest.  It's funny, the universe works in strange ways, but people themselves are rather predictable... even women.  We just want you to say from the heart.

*************USER BEWARE ?!***************
Decided to remove 'Insurgentes' from the main (newest) posts (1/23/10)  Apparently, if you convert (e.g., m4a to mp3) or re-record (e.g., to get a smaller file size) a file you are infringing on the copyrights even if you own a legally purchased copy of a song in an original format.  Still unclear as to whether or not you also violate copyright if rip songs from a CD you own into mp3?  Or a vinyl album (I own lots of these!)?  Not a lot of clear, straightforward info out there.  I guess, it really becomes an issue when you share in public domain (i.e., streaming mp3 and other files stored on a server).  Not even sure if I can put mp3 files on my limited server space and legally link to them via my blog?  I haven't taken everything down yet ... but I'm looking into it ... would be sad if I couldn't have music here, no?
********************************************




'The Hour Glass', By Evelyn Pickering DeMorgan
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



1/15/2010 P.M.  Okay?!  Am I allowed to get angry ... finally tired of this crap!! ... You know who you are you are ... if you want to talk to me just DO IT  for ?@!!!!@@#?!!! sakes.  Tired of all these art albums!  I have no way to get ahold of you ... I've left EVERYTHING up to you ... if it's been hell for you ... what the heck do you think it's been for me?!  I don't know what's going on inside your head ... but you've been inside mine ... like Ken, sometimes I wonder if you're dead?  Are YOU the one in pain?  Is your job in jeopardy?  Is your marriage having problems as well?  Are you unhappy?  Can I do something to help?  Why won't you talk to me?  What did I ever do to deserve this treatment?  I just don't understand ... just talk to me ... are you afraid to let me near again ... I've already apologized for the past ... tried to explain again and again ... just talk to me ... whatever you want you can have it ... your terms ... I promise ... your terms.  I'm not the same person that I was then ... I'm stronger and free now ... I've found my wings ... and nothing is ever going to take them away again ... You just have to set your stupid pride aside and talk to me you BIG dummy ...

And it's not just the art albums ... the universe is shouting at me now that it's you ... you ... you ...  ( in pain?, hurting on multiple levels?, unresolved?, angry?)  I can't ignore it anymore.  Do you think I'm stupid?!  Only you can heal this hurt ... I've done my part ... put out my white flag ... laid my heart on my line ... offered up forgiveness ... not that there's anything in you to forgive ... I kept things from you that affected your choices ... I own that.  I'm sorry ... sorry ... sorry ... why can't you find it in your heart to forgive me?

Sometimes ... I think maybe you've hurt me more than Ken's indiscretion ever could ... I wonder, does that finally make us even?

http://www.artmagick.com/albums/album.aspx?id=20169


I don't understand either ... why months of silence ... then, when I say I'm ready to let you go ... you rub salt in the wound to see if it still hurts?  Are you jealous that I wrote a poem for a friend that he can communicate with me and you can't ... won't ..?

What's wrong with me?  Why am I so difficult to love?  And its not just you ... it's Ken too ... none of you (with the exception of the one that I said goodbye to) seems happy unless I am somehow broken?







Late P.M.  You know what ... I just don't give a damn  anymore ... I don't need your love ... not anyone's ... if it happens great, but no more pity ... no more self doubt ... I've got my wings and NO ONE is taking them back again:  I'm gonna FLY AGAIN ... CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!

This is me signing out ... I'm done thinkingI've got a life to LIVE!



So Long Secret Garden I've no more secrets to keep ...


Song: Hippie Chick.mp3, By Soho
Song: 'Take it to the Limit', By Eagles


'Butterfly Chariot', By Richard Doyle
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)




1/23/2010 Someone sent me a message that said ‘keep talking’. Meaning keep talking here, I guess? I’m not sure what they meant exactly, or why … I don’t think what I write here is all that intriguing … the stuff here in my Secret Gardens is mostly me trying to work through issues by writing them down … and sometimes rereading what I wrote --at a latter point time-- in order to gain new insights and different perspectives … kind of like an electronic journal of sorts … and ‘private’ because it’s online, in a place where my identity is not known for the most part. If I kept this on a hard drive: it would NOT be private. Who knows ... maybe a secret part of me doesn't want this to be private?  Maybe putting it out here makes me feel less crazy for having these feelings in the first place?

Anyway, maybe this person --who wants me to ‘keep talking’-- wants me to do so because they are worried that I will not be alright if I stop talking … that I’ll slip back into my old ways of suppression and denial? I guess that’s entirely possible? .... But I’ve come a long way this past year and half … especially in the last 6 months … I’ve learned more about myself this past year than I have at any point of my entire existence thus far. The knowledge that I’ve gained about myself this past year or so, has empowered me to the extent that I am sincerely hopeful that I won’t slip back into my old habits of suppression and denial, but then again: I know that old habits are extremely hard to break.  So I'll just do the best I can and pick myself up if I should happen to fall again.

I’ve finally had the courage to accept and confront things from my past on many levels ... and doing so means that I don’t have to waste precious energy trying to keep it all at bay – suppressing and denying -- any longer.  Dealing with issues from my past … and present … on a conscious level means that I don’t have to fear things creeping out into my subconscious so much anymore (i.e., horrible nightmares). I know that I still have a long way to go, but it doesn’t feel so overwhelming and crippling anymore. I’m not as afraid to open up to others anymore, because I don’t feel as if I’ve as much to hide anymore. I feel lighter, freer, happier …

In fact, just since the day that I said “I don’t give a damn anymore … I don’t need your love or anyone else’s for that matter” (1/15/2010) … I have made two new friends (one is a VP, and a woman, at a large company here in the area) who have opened up new doors of possibilities for me with respect to work, my career, buying a home, and some of the other interests that I have. I know that finding forgiveness for myself, as well as others, was probably the biggest part in my finding the courage to put myself back out there again, but I think that the willingness to take that final leap and just say "the hell with it! I don’t care what happens: I’m going the FLY again." … was the final piece that helped to set me free to finally be ME on the outside … instead of this shadow of who I was supposed to be … of who I was comfortable letting others see.

I’m not so naive as to think that I’m completely 100% better … that I won’t still have bad dreams from time to time … that there won’t be triggers that may still reopen old wounds … so I’ll keep seeing a therapist off and on as needed.  But the most part, I feel strong enough to face the world again … this time as ME.  Maybe the real me is worthy of love?

Lots of stuff on my plate in the months ahead. First and foremost: I have got to finish the book! I want to return to school to finish my Master’s degree, this upcoming Fall 2010, and I want the book off of my hands by then. Second thing is the prospect of buying a home up here where we now live. Scary prospect … owning a home again?! They say that the market up here is great for buying right now though … guess that’s something? Houses are still outrageously priced though! I need to have a home with a view of the water … even it’s just a partial view … so that ain’t gonna be cheap … but I could live in a shoebox, if it had a view of the water.  ... Actually, if I had my choice:  I would rent for another year ... even if it means move in July and then again in a year ... the more I think on it, the more I really don't want to own a home again right now.  I have trouble breathing when I scroll through the listings sent to me by our real estate agent ... why is that?


...Of course that my family (and God) get first priority goes without saying.  My family, I think, has gotten more than 100% of me these last 8 years.  I think that I'm going to do a better job of making time for me starting this year ... And if there is anything of me left over after the above, I’ve my other interests to pursue cello lessons with Lauren, photography course, etc. ... Bottom line is: I think that my blog … thinking … wondering … and writing may to have to go on the back burner for awhile?  If I’ve any of the latter … thinking … writing … to do, I should be focusing it into my book, no?

Still, I will try to check back from time to time to let you know that my ‘planet is still spinning’. Thanks for listening and for your good intentions and prayers on my behalf … they were felt and ARE much appreciated. God Bless! May peace fill your heart and joy illuminate your days. : )

All My Love, Michelle
The Hopeless Dreamer : )


"Hold onto your hopes and dreams and never let anything or anyone ever take them away; nothing is impossible." ~Me (a lifetime ago)



'Maiden Song', By Emma Florence Henderson
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)


P.S.  As for sailboarding post that was here for a brief time ... that post embodied the feeling that I had when I wrote my 1/15/2010 message, but realistically it's still way too cold here for sailboarding right now ... I'm brave, but not that brave (or crazy?!).  Hopefully, I will get to take a long overdue vacation to warmer waters before the Fall; I'll do some sailboarding then ... Until then, I did find a local racetrack -- per an entry here a week or so ago -- where you can pay to drive cars really fast ... it's cheap, relatively speaking ... and they have food and beer, etc. (odd combination, no?!).  So that serves as a good substitute for now ... satiates the 'need for speed' : ) ... the next best thing to flying ... which I hope to be able to do after wrapping up my Master's degreee (flying lessons ... ready to move beyond the simulators : ). 

Go find YOUR DREAMS they're closer than you think!!!!!! Seriously ... NO JOKE ... YA JUST  GOTTA BELIEVE!!!!  And funny thing is, it doesn't matter if anyone else believes in you or not ... the only person who can ultimately make it happen is YOU ...




Singing out for now:  Moon Willow ... : ) Just discovered that's my Native American Indian name apropos, no?  5 generations back, on my mom's side, is a full blood native American Indian, so this has special meaning to me.  Think I may have just found the pen name for my book ...




1/28/2010  HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY , HAPPY ... I AM SO VERY VERY HAPPY!!!!   : )

My prayers have miraculously been answered ... 6 months ago we renewed our lease for the house that we are renting now.  At that time, the owner said at that time that he would unequivocally be returning to the area to retire at the end of the year/lease.  So that meant that we had to move this upcoming end of June.  Hence, Ken's wanting to look into buying a home ... hence, my inability to breathe when viewing countless listings and homes. 

After returning from this last round of house viewing, I begged Ken to check with the owner of the home we're renting from one last time ...  just to see if the owners plans might have changed.  Ken basically said:  "I'll do it, but don't hold your breath."  Then I started storming Heaven for a miracle.  The home we are in now is perfect and we are settled.  We have 2 decks, gorgeous views, and the kids just walk down a path and they are at school.  And furthermore, after being solely responsible for our move from Texas up to here and being the one to oversee all of home upgrades, painting, and finish outs ... (not to mention flat out doing lots of it myself!) ... in order to put our Texas home on the market:  I JUST DON'T THINK I'VE GOT ANOTHER MOVE IN ME RIGHT NOW.  I literally packed every single box for our last move.  The moving guys just showed up and loaded everything onto the truck. 

Well this very evening, Ken checked his email and there was reply from the owner with good news.  For whatever reasons:  THE OWNER'S PLANS HAVE CHANGED AND THEY WON'T BE COMING BACK BEFORE FALL 2011.  Praise God!  May seem like a small thing, but to me it means THE WORLD, piece of mind and being able to breathe again.  I do believe in God and in miracles ... and now I will praying extensively prayers of thanksgiving ... cause my prayers have, beyond a shadow of a doubt, been answered.  God is good!

Times like these remind me to be humble that God has seen fit to answer my prayers ... this time in a way that I can clearly understand.  Thank you, God!  YOU ARE SINCERELY APPRECIATED AND YOU ROCK!!!!!   : )

If any of you prayed for my piece of mind with respect to impending move (which is now thankfully OFF! : ), I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart!  God Bless!

Love,
Michelle




'Moonlight', By Alphonse Osbert
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)



2/5/2010  Just checking in ... not flying so much anymore ... but at least I have my wings back, in a manner of speaking.  Busy finishing up the book.  I seem to do my best work between midnight and 3:00 a.m. ... good for book ... not so good for me having to wake up by 7:00 a.m. to start my day ... I think I'm actually becoming my alias (Zombie Cheerleader) these last few days.  : )  I sent a check to school in an envelope for a fund raiser, labeled "Fun Rund" ... my daughter Bethany said Mom, "I can't bring this check to school; it's too embarassing!" ... to which Lauren added "You need to start drinking coffee again!"

Trying to resist the urge to withdraw once again ... from connecting with others ... old habbits die hard, I guess.  Life is just easier for me when I'm alone?  Facebook seems to help a little in that respect ... go figure? ... though, some of the people I would most like to interact with only log on once a month.  I have reconnected with some of my cousins that I haven't seen in years so that is fun.  Having an alias is fun too ... I feel less constrained.  Still, I'm going to keep my identity as an alias for the most part ... don't think I'll ever put a real picture of me out there.  Been told I need to update my profile picture ... so I'm thinking ... Zombie Cheerleader Goes to the Office (in a business suit with briefcase) ... or Zombie Cheerleader Goes out for a Night on the Town (in one of my new little black dresses and heels).   What do you think? ; )

The weather here has been gorgeous lately.  Can't remember last time I wore a jacket out of the house; a sweater seems more than enough.  Lots of sunshine and no snow.  We might take the kids into the mountains this weekend to go snow tubing, because that's probably the only way that they're gonna see snow this year?!

Well, it's workout day.  Can't put it off any longer:  No pain, no gain ... right?  Might need a 5-hour energy to jumpstart.  : )  Hope you are well and life is treating you good these days.  God Bless!

M


2/15/2010 St. Valentine's Day came and went ... Ken and I managed to get through it. We opted against the romantic and mushy ... just felt too forced.  Instead, we went out for Mongollian Grill, followed by race car driving, and then 'Wolfman' the movie. It was a quirky, but fun, way to celebrate the dreaded day. We actaully did connect, but I've learned not get to my hopes up ... I can't keep doing ups and downs anymore. I just try to enjoy the good times and  do my best to keep it all in perspective. They say "time heals all wounds" ... I'll let you know if it's true.

I even received an expensive piece of jewelry: a white gold, with diamonds, floating heart necklace. I can count the number times that I've received expensive jewelry ( > $100.00), in our relationship, on one hand, so I suppose the fact that I was given this pretty piece of jewelry on V-Day says something. I'm not big on expensive jewelry anyway. I loose things easily (a few months ago, I lost my original wedding ring... or it was stolen? ... wedding ring ... but it was a free-be from a friend who happened to work at a department store, in store secuirty, from the unclaimed lost and found ... so I'm not too heartbroken on that count).  I also prefer ecclectic or artsy jewelry with rough earthy elements, which the expensive stuff doesn't usually lend itself to anyway ... that's why I learned how to make my own.  Didn't receive chocolates, nor flowers, but given the choice of the three (expensive jewelry, chocolates or flowers) guess most women would pick the expensive jewelry, no? ; )

Hope you had a special day with your special someone ... whether that happened to be a real flesh and blood person, an e-connection, good book, favorite music album, and/or a bottle wine.  All my best ...

M



(image courtesy of ArtMagick.com)

2/19/2010  I left one last message for you on ArtMagick.com ... one last attempt at sanity ... in 'My Album 2/18/2010', 'Idle Tears'.  This album is the door (use my photos) to the message.  You will have to discren the key in order to unlock the message.  That is if you have the courage to unlock it ... perhaps the notion that we will always be 'forever eclipsed [us] in night' was the finality that it was meant to be for you... would it not have been for other factors, such as the 'Thoughtful Bemused', among other albums ... it might have been sufficient for me as well.

You see, I have no way of knowing anything, which only makes the ghost more nebulous and at times vindictive (e.g., Symbolist Artist albums that I referred to on 1/15).  You are safe, protected, all-knowing, while I continue to be ravaged, by doubt and pain, at the mercy of the hands of a painful past ... the past is what holds me captive ... and no matter how far I travel, I've come to see that on some level it will always have its sway over me.  There is no escape, only withstanding, trying to unravel ... to understand ... trying to cope and move forward in the present with wisdom, understanding, and the tides of hope.


2/23/2010  I have slept some (maybe 10 hours since writing the above ... I feel semi-human again ... sometimes seems as if I'm actually becoming my alias ... Zombie Cheerleader ; ).  I don't usally watch TV, unless it is late at night after all of the days needs and wants have been met.  One show that I do try to make time for, however, is a half hour of 'Fraiser' (with Kelsey Gramer).  'Fraiser' makes me laugh and I hear that laughter is good for your health.  Plausible right? 

Well, last night's show had Fraiser making a speech that really struck a chord with me ... something along the lines of  ... It's human nature to look to fond memories from our past in an effort to try and fill voids in our present ... but it doesn't work ... the past is the past ... you have to embrace the present and move on.   Too bad Fraiser didn't elaborate as to suggested, and proven, methods for moving on.  So I am human ... not the first to look backwards for hope and healing ... just struggling with the moving on part and fighting the urge to revisit the darkness in an effort to extract or drown out these haunting memories.


... No date ... time is irrelevant ....

'Time, Death and Judgement', By George Frederic Watts
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)

We each have our parts to play, while the ghost of time lashes from behind ...



'The Rider on the White Horse', By George Frederic Watts
(Image Courtesy of ArtMagick.com)

I won't write here anymore ... I am being called away by another.



I guess that God does not want me to go here ... back to revisit the darkness ... even to entertain the notion. A short term fix ... trading one pain for another. Last night I developed a high fever out of nowhere ... along with severe vomiting. The fever got so high that the blood vessels around my eyes and on my eyelids burst leaving red dots and lines behind today. I look as if someone has hit me in the face repeatedly today, but the fever is more manageable. Okay, God ... I hear you ... I don't always understand you, but I hear you.

3/3/10  I don't like doctors ... I don't know why ... I just don't trust them?  It's been like over a year since I've been in to see a doctor for me.  The kids maybe go in once a year for a check-up.  Thankfully, we are all very healthy ... a fact that I attribute to my forcing my family to eat healthy and exercise whether they like it or not.   Well, I've been prompted to go in for myself these past few days ... and now the domino of lots of fun and uncomfortable tests and pills to swallow follows.  Hopefully, in this instance they can fix what ails me with just a simple pill ... If I weren't doubled over in pain, I'd just suffer on in silence ... but it is rather hard to do my life in that position ... I should look on the bright side ... maybe this time I'll get my own Dora The Explorer or Hannah Montanna sticker?  And I can paste it wherever I desire ... ; )


3/4/10 I get the test results and hopefully some answers today ... Am I nervous?  Surprisingly, no ... I just want to feel better .... That being said any prayers would be greatly appreciated.  I need to get to where I can stand up without pain so I can put my house back together ... it is amazing how quickly things come undone when mom is down for a few days?!



3/5/2010  I think that I finally understand why I have insomnia ... it's not really insomnia ... a curse ... it is because I need to be awake during the quiet hours of the night so that I can hear the things that I am supposed to hear ... the things that I can't hear during the day when the conscious presence of others surounds me ... when I have things to do in the material world. The night belongs to the spirit world and the universe speaks the loudest during these hours to those that would listen ... and for some strange reason it won't let me rest until after 3:33 a.m.. There is something special about the time between 3:00 a.m. and 3:33 a.m. ... during these moments it seems the easiest to be in harmony with the universe.

My logical husband would argue that as we change time zones ... say from Texas to Pacific Northwest ... that that time of my awakening should thus vary accordingly ... (he is annoyed with my insomnia most of the time and I share very little with him about my feelings ... experiences ... sometimes I think that I married Spock (spelling? sorry I am no Trekkie) off of Star Trek ... so logical ... brilliiant, but so constrained by his perceptions ... feelings ... emotions ... to him emotions seem to be a bad thing ... something to be controlled). But the time doesn't vary ... its always 3:00 - 3:33 a.m. in the time wherever I happen to be ... perhaps this span of harmonious time is tied to the collective conscious of those around me?  Regardless ... the universe is not constrained by the limited perceptions of man ... time as we know it ... our feeble perceptions are irrelevant and incapable of describing the infinite and ever changing universe.

I don't know exactly what it is that I am supposed to hear ... to do ... to understand ... but I am listening ... as always ... with an open heart and perhaps with a clearer understanding now ...







3/7/2010 




Saw the movie "Alice in Wonderland" tonight ... Good to have a break from selling Girl Scout Cookies ... tough sell in this lousy economy and for only 40 cents per box (what the Girl Scout Troop gets to keep out of $4.00 per box ... seems little better than child labor in third world countries, no?).  Trying to get rid of 400 boxes of Girl Scout cookies for Bethany and Erynn Jeanne this weekend. Things are moving really slow this year, with my being sick and the poor economy. Three hours in front of a grocery store this morning and we sold maybe 50 boxes.

... And for some crazy reason, I volunteered to be the “Cookie Mom” for Erynn Jeanne’s Brownie troop … thinking this would be a job that I could do part-time in the evenings and a few hours on the weekend: WRONG?!  I seem to be on call 24-7 for getting boxes of cookies to girls, arranging for new boxes, swaps, booking site sales … resolving issues with site sales … receiving money … going to the bank to make deposits … checking on sales status for each girl and inputting all of this activity into the on-line system.
Let’s just say, that “Cookie Mom” would be a foreboding task for a healthy person … but as I always say: “My heart was in the right place when I offered to do the job and this too shall pass …”

The worst part is that one of the new medications that I am taking (for my stomach) has the lovely side effect of giving me the shakes … not one of the effects on the label though?  The other one makes me photo-sensitive so that I burn even with 55 spf sunscreen on ... not very condusive to standing outdoors to sell Girl Scout cookies.   And lastly, I am not supposed to drink any alcohol as one of the drugs amplifies the effects of the alcohol and will make me incredibly naseaous ... thus a calming glass of wine is off the table.   So between the shakes … not sleeping … and not feeling well … let’s just say that I am not at my emotional best these past few days.  I seem to find myself in the tub at the end of each day, after everyone is asleep, just sobbing uncontrollably alone in the candlelight.  Sometimes, I feel like the Mad Hatter ...




I think that I am going to call the doctor on Monday and see if the shaking that I am experiencing is an allergic reaction or what? … and maybe I can get off of that medication. I hate drugs … they are a necessary evil at best … but for now, I will try to be patient and give them a try. Feels good to vent … though … I don’t know what I’d do without my blog to vent … probably would have snapped long ago … Maybe I do still need my Secret Gardens?  Or perhaps my own looking glass or rabbit hole to fall into and escape for awhile ...





3/10/10 Not quite so overwhelmed today ... tired ... but not emotionally overwhelmed like last week.  Tired, I can handle ... just have to drive slower ... think carefully before speaking ... and get everything in writing.  ; )

Half of our Girl Scout cookies are now gone.  Only have about 200 boxes to sell during the rest of this week and weekend ... no problem, right?  Trying hard to be positve for the girls ... to keep their motivation up.  I offered them a prize to come up with catchy jingles to help sell cookies.  They came up with a great one ... just may video tape it and put it up on You-Tube.  The coming up with jingles had the added bonus of getting the girls smiling and laughing, instead of frowning and fighting ... that, in and of itself, surely had to improve our sales at the sites we sold at.  Anyone who wants GS cookies ... I am paying out of my own pocket to ship them to you ... just joking.  We'll get rid of them, even if I have to eat them all myself ... and I don't do sweets ...of course the girls have already "sampled" a wide vairety of boxes for me.

I finally have a sense of peace about my past and a past love ... that goes along way towards my feeling not so emotionally overwhelmed.  And I never did say for sure here ... but my medical tests came back okay ... I will live.  Just lots of pills to swallow over next few weeks, then they will re-run all the tests as a precaution.  I'm not doubled over in pain anymore ... so that is a huge improvement. 

Bethany's District wide orchestra concert was tonight.  She plays the violin.  This is her first year.  They had 6 different schools, with kids from 3rd grade through high school performing.  It was amazing to see the enthusiasm, not to mention talent of these kids.  Truly inspiring!  Bethany did well.  She's shy, but when she focuses on doing something that she truly loves she soars.  It was wonderful to witness ... as a parent ... her success and sense of accomplishment .. practically had tears in my eyes I was so proud.  Fun evening ... despite some family drama.  Peace to you ...

M




3/14/2010

On March 1, 2010 ... I posed the question "What makes the world go round?"... (on my main blog) ... Well I don't know about planet Earth, but it seems to me now ... that PEACE is what makes my world go around ...

Peace seems to be the key ... the key to everything else falling into place in my life ... love and happiness don't seem so elusive anymore ... Thank you B.L. for giving me the peace that I was lacking.  Will continue to keep you in my prayers for good things in your life ... your own peace ... and much happiness in your life. God Bless! (... have now reset the password ... as I had said that I would ... for security reasons only ... the door is still open ... if you want it to be ...)




... And in revisiting this, I think that Hope and Happiness are one in the same ... you can't have one without the other ... So it is all about Faith (Peace), Hope and Love after all ... wisdom of the ages ... go figure ...








Song: Kashmir, By Led Zeppelin   

... Zeppelin is growing on me ... enjoyed listening to them this weekend ... knew some of their songs, but they have a truly amazing repetoire ... My cousin, Sky says they are "the greatest band ever."  The more I listen ... the more I am inclined to agree.

Enjoying photography class too ... lots of interesting people ... lots of new ideas and techniques.  Best of all: I've finally demystified my complex camera.  Planning to take the day off Wednesday -- if weather is nice --and just spend the day shooting using what I've learned recently. 

GS Cookies are finally wrapping up ... so I can have a life once again.  I don't want to see another GS Cookie for a long ... long time ...  I told Ken, if he doesn't want to go on a warm destination (sun and sand) vacation ... I'm going alone.  Mexico here I come ...


3/15/2010   Dante's "Divine Comedy" is no easy read ... it takes time and effort to fully digest all of his images ... symbolism ... and the people .... historical figures ... that he meets along his journey.  But the more I read, I see that it is no mere coincidence that I was drawn to this literary treasure at this very point in my life.  Dante has some brilliant insights to convey and a hidden wisdom to share with those that would listen.

The "Inferno" was really hard for me to read ... all of the vivid dark images ... the suffering ... reading alone at night with my vivid imagination did not help matters.  Very creepy!  But I got through it, and I can now appreciate the Inferno for what it was meant to be.

I have now finished "Purgatory" ... a much easier read ... and Dante has at last been reunited with his beloved Beatrice ...


"Beatrice", By Salvador Dali for Dante's 'Divine Comedy'

... and this is just about how I pictured Beatrice ... hauntingly beautiful ...

Beatrice to Dante, at the entrance to Paradise ... Canto 1 ... "You make yourself stupid with false imaginings, and so you do not see what you would see if you discarded them. You are no longer on earth, as you think, but lightening leaving its proper home never flew as quickly as you who are returning there."

Beatrice to Dante, in Paradise ... Canto 3 ... "Do not wonder if I smile in the presence of your childish thought, since it does not trust itself with the truth, but turns, as it usually does to emptiness."

Dante to Beatrice, third tier of Paradise ... Canto 4 ... "... Now I see that our intellect can never be satisfied, unless the truth, which no truth goes beyond, shines on it.  It rests there, like a wild creature in its lair, as soon as it has reached it, and it can, otherwise all longing would be in vain.  So inquiry grows like a new shoot at the base of truth, a natural thing that rises towards the summit from ridge to ridge.  That invites me, and gives me confidence to question you lady, reverently, about another truth hidden from me:  I wish to know if Man can give you such satifaction, by other good intentions, for his broken vows, as not to weight short on your scales."


Song:  "Surge Illuminare (Palestrina)"

Seventy more pages and I will have completed "Paradise" and the last of Dante's "Divine Comedy" ... but this poem has been well worth the effort and I am glad that I finally decided to undertake its challenge.

Someone asked what other books I am reading now ... well let's see ... "Matter", By Ian Banks,  "Bobby Fisher's Teaches Chess" (hopefully to improve my game and give Ken a better challenge), "The Story of Philosophy", By Will Durant, a book on World Religions, revisiting parts of "An Introduction to the Buddha and His Teachings", "Where God Was Born", By Bruce Feiler, browsing through my Art History book, reading a photography book ... and of course Dante's "Divine Comedy" ...  Is that 8?  I don't know ... doesn't really matter ... I just enjoy reading ... exploring new places, perspectives, thoughts and ideas. 

When I finish the "Divine Comedy", I think that I'm going to reread "Alice in Wonderland" ... opps, almost forgot ... just picked up "Black Hole Wars" ... that looks like an interesting read ... have not started it yet ... Ken is reading first (and of course, it annoys the hell out of Ken that I won't just read one book ... start to finish ... like everyone else ... smile ... sometimes, I think that I was sent to Ken in order to shake the very foundations of everything that he believes him ... to get him to open his eyes ... to embrace new ways of seeing ... thinking ... and in doing so become less constrained and more than what he is capable of being in his assumed reality ... Ken, however, would probably disagree with this assessment ; ).

What are you reading these days?


3/17/2010  HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY ... May the Luck O' The Irish be with ya!  ; )



Was planning to take the day off to go shooting (photos ... not guns).  The weather turned nice ... it is positively gorgeous outside!  I wish I could be out shooting, but I forgot about photo-sensitivity ... burn even with SPF 55 sunscreen right now ... and I need to take care of the skin that I have ... not as forgiving of neglect at my age ... So I'm a bit bummed, but hopefully these drugs and their nasty side-effects will work there way out of my system soon.  I'm done with the medication that made me shake ... but that effect still hasn't worn off?  I take the last of the other one today ... so maybe by this weekend I'll be okay to be outside?  Have to check with the pharmacist.










As for Mexico ... wouldn't you know it ... the day after I decide I want to go ... say I will go... State Department issues a travel warning.  God Bless the couple who were so viciously murdered though ... and the two children that they leave behind ... I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the reasons for taking another human life in such a manner ... will pray that the light and wisdom of the Creator somehow finds its way into the hearts and minds of those who were responsible for these killings.



I was looking forward to climbing on the Mayan ruins ... but that will just have to wait ... a time for every purpose under heaven. 




Suppose there are lots of other sun and sand vacations ... maybe I could convince Ken to return to Spain?  Couldn't do a cruise with my claustrophobia ... unless I could sleep on deck and even then ... the sheer number of people on board would probably be totally overwhelming for me.  Know any hidden away quiet retreats?  A friend of mine (long ago ... Kokie ... Bless you, Kokheb, wherever you may be these days) used to swear by Barbados.  Oh well, lots of choices ... I guess ...






Salvador Dali, "Beatrice" ... panels for Dante's "Divine Comedy"
(higher res. photo coming soon)

Turns out the above photo of a painting of Dante's "Beatrice" is a wood block print.  It is also for sale ... a new friend of mine (God sends such interesting people into my life ... he is good to me) is an art dealer and he is sending me the price and other info if anyone is interested.  I absoulutely love this print ... wood block is a new medium to me (?) ... but Ken would never let me buy it ... everything is a dollar is his mind ; )  I'll post the details soon if you're interested ... my friend is offering me 25% commission, but I would never take it ... Once I get the info, I'll probably post on my main page along with a wrap-up on my read of Dante's "Divine Comedy".


3/18/2010  Hey Paul ... just wanted to let you know that I AM still praying for you and your Dad. Hope he is doing better these days. That he can walk again ... that he has his voice back ... that he is not in pain ... that his surgery was successful and that he's in remission.





Saw your band posts ... interesting ... I've never thought that cheerleading was just for 'gay' guys myself.  Couldn't see much of you in the video ... a white pair of sneakers, legs of your jeans and your hands playing away on your gleaming white bass guitar. You need to step into the light more ... come on, you know you love the spotlight. : )

Interesting repertoire ... not in line with your music tastes from your playlist and FB posts though? Maybe a bit more in sync with 'Tool'? I wonder what songs you would write ... choose to play ... if you were calling the shots? Anyway, peace to you. Know that you are still very much alive in my thoughts and prayers ... and my offer to show you around the city still stands if you ever up in this neck of the woods. God Bless!

P.S.  Wish you were here to help with my photography ... I have to submit three enlarged and matted photos for final evaluation in my photography class ... So far I have nothing that I like : (  ... Been curled up in bed, in pain again, these last few days ... so I will be down to the wire once again ... seems to be how I function best ... do my best work ... twisted, no?



3/21/10   Even when our pain and troubles get us down ... I know God is there and He is good. This too shall pass ... Last few days have been rough ... I am sick again ... in bed a lot ... reduced output and activity ... very little food making its way down or staying in.  Was hopeful that medicine would be the magic cure, but it isn't working so well.  Looks like I will most likely wind up going under the knife ... not a pleasant prospect considering my strong dislike of doctors, hospitals and the like.  I should know more this week.  Good news is that I should be stronger, have more energy, gain some weight back, etc. afterwards.  An added bonus is that I will be able to plan a vacation without having to worry about whether, or not, I will be well enough to enjoy my first vacation ... alone with my husband ... in twelve years.  So there are bright sides, right? : )

I shouldn't really complain ... my problems pale by comparison to what others in the world are going through.  Guess, this is just one time where I can't use supression and denial ... can't tough it out alone ... I have to rely on others ... outsiders... for help ... I guess not doing so is really being selfish to my husband and my daughters, no?


3/22/10   I saw your new additions in the album today ("Unexpected Love Poems").  I'm kind of run down physically ... and hence mentally ... so I am at a loss for beautiful poetic words today ... but know that your poems were truly beautiful and touched me deeply.  I felt your love and warmth reaching out to touch me today ... to comfort me ... giving me added strength in my time of physical weakness. 

I can't write in your album right now ... and I am not sure that you would want me to ... your album is just getting too much attention right now ... and rightly so ... your words are beautiful.  So I will write here instead and hope that you understand.

It is good to be connected to you again ... even it is in only in spirit.  That is the deepest connection ... in my opinion and one I have been lacking in my life at present.   So please keep writing ... I feel a strong connection between us ... in spirit walking and even at times in waking.  You must feel it too ... or so your words would say.  Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.  As for meeting in person once again ... that may be at some point in our distant futures ... but if it were at this moment, in time, I think that I would surely come undone. 

Part of me wishes we could write in private, but I see your wisdom now ... writing in public keeps us honest ... does it not?  So, I bow to your wisdom in this ...

And on that note ... I will now close, with a tired mind and body, but a happy heart.  Peace and sweet dreams to you my friend.  God Bless ...


M



3/23/2010  I am strong enough to handle the truth ... Why must truth be so elusive in today's concrete ... material ... world?  Because so many of you freely and blindly choose to live in denial?  I won't throw stones ... I myself have used denail as a survival tool ... we do what we know ... when we know how to do it, I suppose.


3/26/2010  I am finally strong enough to be up and out about again ... feels good.  I want to go to a local historic cemetary, in order to take photographs for my photography class, but no one will go with me? 



'The Cup of Death', By Elihu Vedder
(Image Courtesy of Artmagick.com)


Why are people so afraid of things associated with death ... I'm not ... I find it ... death ... rather intriguing ... almost peaceful ...


Oh well, I suppose that I will just have to go alone ... who knows ... maybe I'll find a kindred spirit there amongst the headstones ... waiting for their moment in time to depart this realm.  ; )  Would that the living were half as interesting as the dead anyway ... At least the dead are honest ... dead men tell no lies ... and they seldom play games ...


3/27/2010  I guess my husband cares about me after all? ... He didn't want me driving all the way to Seattle on my own ... since I haven't been feeling well lately ... dizzy ... weak ... (lost a lot of blood lately) ... so he insisted on coming with me ... and even when we couldn't find a sitter at the last minute ... he just loaded everyone up in the car and we all went together.  Ken took the lead and would not take any crap from the kids about not wanting to go.  The kids were kind of freaked about going to an actual cemetery ... well, Lauren and Bethany were ... Erynn Jeanne is a free spirit and a lot like me ... She thought the whole adventure was pretty cool. 

We started off at the Gasworks Park, which was a neat place, but not very inspirational for me ... then we went on to the Lakeview Cemetery.  Everyone stayed in the car ... playing DS video games and listening to music most of the time ... while Erynn Jeanne and I went exploring.  It was pretty cool ... not spooky at all ... such a peaceful ... tranquil place ... you could feel the love, as well as see it written on the various headstones.  I hope that I got some good shots ... too tired to look through them on the PC just now.  We wrapped with pizza dinner out before heading home.  Good day ...





I think that I will go back again, on my own, sometime ... then I will be able to 'listen' more ... to be in tune with any spirits present.  Hard to do with an 8-yr old chattering in your ear.  : )  Although, Erynn did tell me to be careful not to bump into Alfred?  This in the middle of wide open grassy stretch ... maybe she sees things out of the norm too?



3/29/2010  ... I know the truth now ... but it doesn't take away my peace.  The universe works in mysterious ways ... it sent my peace to me and I am grateful for it ... whatever its form ... the essence remains the same ... and I have made a new friend in the process?  As for what the future holds ... I've learned not to look too far ahead ... small steps towards a greater end ...

3/30/2010  ... Went to the doctor's today ... surgery scheduled for next Friday ... nervous?  Not quite sure yet ... I am looking forward to feeling human and having energy once again.  I've a week to wrap my mind around it, I guess ...

3/31/2010 ... Doctor called yesterday evening ... don't want to wait until next week:  they are bumping me up a week, to this very Friday ... April, 2nd.  Won't have quite as much time to worry, wonder and imagine, I guess?

4/1/2010  I feel very loved these past few days ... in ways I have not felt in a long time.  I had forgotten how empowering love can be ... it lifts your spirit ... gives you wings ... gives you courage.  It is a wonderful feeling and goes a long way towards staving off my uneasiness about my upcoming surgery.  For some strange reason, I am at peace ... thank you my friend.


4/6/201   All that I ever wanted from the past was peace ... nothing more ... I opened my heart and asked for peace ... forgiveness ... and I did receive one art album which was beautiful ... and with its receipt a door closed with such finality. Then so many other strings were pulled ... by what or whom I am to this day unsure ... but peace thus eluded me ... and silence remained from the other side of the equation  along with things in my present life ... pushed me to edge of my reason ... allowing me to consider returning to the darkness ( a physical ... living breathing person ... who forcefully hurt me in my past) once again ... to let him have his way with me ... then an angel stepped in and saved me from myself and now I am at peace ... my inner storms remain calm ... my path is clear once again ...

You could not be my angel ... so the universe sent another to act in your stead ... a spiritual angel of wisdom ... peace ... compassion and love.  So many childhood illusions shattered ... but now, some have been restored ...



'Rosa Triplex', By Dante Gabriel Rossetti


Faith, hope and love ... the greatest of these is supposed to be love ...



My angels words have been speaking to me since March 4, 2010 ("Unexpected Love Poems") ... his words are your words ... the words that I needed to hear from you, he says that he has only been in contact with me this past week or so.  He also says that the orignal three poems (the ones that spoke the loudest to me ... 'The Kiss' (as it was originally titled), 'Loves New Born Star', 'The Traveling Companion') were written based on his past experiences ... most of the rest I don't know where they come from ... and maybe neither does he ... most of the other poems begin to deviate from words that I would attribute to you.  The words of the first three, however ... to me they are your words?  Maybe the universe is saying them for you?  Because you won't? 

I felt a strong connection to you after my illness, with the high fever and bloodshot eyes.  Since my angel says it wasn't him, maybe it was you?  I was pretty confused when my angel introduced himself to me, last week, and it was not you?  Maybe I truly was connected to you?  Did you feel it too?  I opened the door for you ... did you use the key and enter?  I have no way of knowing ... the words in the poems said to me that you did enter ... but now I find that the poems weren't you ... or were they inspired by you?  Your feelings ... your emotions ... for the words so speak to my private thoughts ... thoughts which required the key ...

[If you had not used the key ... or if you are just a reader ... passing by ... you would be wondering about my love and my intentions?  But the key ... my private thoughts, reveal the truth ... that "my love is pure and is sent out of pureness of heart ... that love this was received is not important ... only the receiver ever need know that it was felt." ... this was a decision that I made when I "caste away confusion" so many months ago.

I think that our capacity to love is where the Divine shines most brightly in us.  There are many types of love ... and (as I said in other private thoughts unlocked with a key) "love in and of itself is never wrong ... perhaps what we choose to do with that love is what sometimes becomes misguided."

Perhaps now, these words make more sense and allay fear ... doubt ... and worry?]


The universe does work in mysterious ways ... but whatever its reasons ... Perhaps, my dream is about unlocking you?  From the prison that you've created for yourself?  Only you can say ... my offer of friendship still stands ... I ask nothing more ...

Whatever your decision, I now have my peace ... do you have yours?  It is my sincere hope that you do ... I won't write about us again.

Late P.M.  See that the 'Thoughtful Bemused' album is now gone ... coincidence?  I don't believe in coincidence ...



4/7/2010  early, early a.m. .... Why am I so hesitant to see the 'bad' in someone?  You'd think that I would have learned by now?  I guess, love ... of whatever kind ... is truly blind?

They say that 'he who writes is not well' ... they say that I 'am safe' ... that I 'must be quiet and rest for awhile ... all will be revealed.'

... And so I shall ...



P.M.  ... and it was revealed ...

['They' turned out to be the voice of a departed brother speaking on behalf of his sister. ... I have done some more reasearch into the phenomenon that I call 'Spirit Walking', as it seems be occurring, for me, with increased frequency lately ...


"Among occult adepts living in the physical plane, as well as discarnates of the subtle spheres, the astral condition is often utilized as a media of contact between dimensions. In the astral form one is free of certain limitations or restrictions where time and space are concerned. This very fundamental law of the higher worlds is an important tool utilized by highly evolved entities to promptly attend and assist incarnated souls (or even discarnate ones) in aligning and harmonizing themselves with what may be called soul-destiny in conformity with the Divine Plan. These guides are sometimes called guardian angels or invisible helpers. These invisible helpers, whether from the physical plane or higher worlds, function as protectors, guides, and as the inner voice of incarnated souls. Hunches and intuitive impressions are often derived from these beings. They also provide strength and courage to souls who are in need of moral support.

These guardian spirits, as stated above, do not always come from higher spheres. Some of these entities are ordinary human beings with the occult ability to astral project. More often than not, they are highly evolved with much soul experience and are able to minister and offer counsel to suffering or wayward souls, or even to fulfill certain prayers addressed to the Great One."

... And I have come to realize these past months that the violence that I have been allowed to be subjected to, in my past, is what has put me in touch with this gift ... this higher level of consciousness ... so it would seem that there is indeed 'a time and purpose to everything under heaven' ... ]






Why do people who do not see doubt ... worry?  You don't understand me ... you never have ... you never will ... you can't change me ... I am different ... I see ... because I am open to seeing ... and what I see is not evil ... if your blind ... rigid faith gives you comfort, then cling to it ... but I've been there many lifetimes ago and I am moving on ... because I want so want to finally go home ... no more endless repetition of earthly lives ...

... A letter I just sent to my mother who is worried about me on several levels ...

"Mom,

I have actually been studying many religions ... for many years now.  I feel the need to move beyond dogma to address a higher spiritual reason for our being here. I can't expect anyone in my family to understand because I am different ... I have always been different. I have a strong faith in God and prayer and I believe in Jesus. All three are a part of my daily life ... I have overcome many obstacles because of the latter. But the religious dogma, the Catholic Dogma, that I grew up doesn't answer all of the questions that I have ... I've always needed the answers ... and they are not answers about faith ... but rather about why we are here ... why we suffer ... why suffering is allowed to be in the world ... I am just this past year or so at the point where I am ready to move on towards finding the answers that I need in a concrete way.


You are happy where you are in the Catholic faith and I respect that, but you can't impose your faith beliefs on me ... that isn't fair. I would never do that to you ... nor do I judge you. You say that you fear for me ... well, I am sorry ... but I reject that fear comes from God. Fear is a lousy reason for doing, or not doing, anything in my opinion ... men use fear to manipulate people ... to maintain conformity ... even to a set of religious beliefs. That fear is what I want to move beyond ... I don't believe in God because I fear Hell or His retaliation ... I believe in God because He is good ... He is amazing!! ... He completes me and makes me whole. I am far from perfect I admit, but that is why we are here to learn ... how you can you learn ... grow ... progress ... if you live within a stifling set of confines? For me, the Catholic faith is the latter ... I am trying Lutheran for the sake of the girls ... to give them a strong foundation for a relationship with God ... something that you and Dad did give me even though I am no longer a practicing Catholic.

I think that I am a good person ... I try to make good choices ... and even though you don't like my being on-line and having friends on-line ... I think God is using me to reach other people and maybe renew their faith in God ... in a Creator ... in a greater reason for being. I know that you worry that I may get hurt, but that is part of life. I do love my husband and I am committed to trying to make my marriage work, so do not worry about that. We will get there these things just take time ... healing and time ... they don't happen overnight. I am very clear about establishing boundaries with on-line friends and when they don't feel right any longer ... I move on .. but just maybe, I help someone along the way ... even if I only pray for them. And sometimes, they even help me.  I even feel others praying for me ... in addition to you ... people who don't even know me or have a reason to love me ... that truly renews your faith in your fellow man, no?

I watched a PBS show tonight on The Buddha and his teachings ... most of this I have previously read but it was spiritually moving ... peaceful to watch ... very beautifully illustrated ... anyway, this show reminded me that "Enlightenment is a journey ... not a destination..." ... we are never really done ... done is a concept that invokes anxiety and falls within the realm of the transient ... we live in the world, but we can choose not to be ruled by it ... to live truly in the moment and see the beauty all around ... I see the beauty in so many things ... I think my ability to see things is a gift and I that I am meant to use it, not deny it and suppress it ... I have tried suppression and I was most unhappy ... now I am trying another way ... I hope that you can respect that and not worry ... not fear ... I will pray for your faith in the foundation that you gave me and your ability to let go ... I think that I am old enough now ... and holding on tightly didn't protect me from harm before ... yet, by the grace of God ... I am still here ... so let go and let God.

Love You,
 
Nite ...
 
Michelle

P.S.  Lauren asked me last night 'Mommy, what's the thing that you most like about yourself?' ... I didn't even have to think ... I knew instantly ... I replied 'My abilty, with God's grace, to stare temptation point blank in the eyes and deny him.'  ... I think that God put that question on Lauren's lips for me and maybe for you too.  If you reflect back on my life ... I think that you will see that is true.  And hopefully, you will also look on my gift to see good in the world and in others as a gift too.

On thinking a bit more overnight ... I would have to say that the second thing that I most like about myself is my willingness to put up a fight ... to take on challenges ... not give up ... to fight for peace and what is right.  If I didn't believe in all of the above ... I would not still be here fighting for my family and my marriage.  So please give me some credit for that."

4/8/2010  I realize something else this morning too ... there is probably only one temptation that I would have a hard time fighting ... the forces of darkness probably know this ... and it is they who have most likely been 'pulling the strings' all along.  Fortunately, I picked a good man to love ... not once ... but twice ... my first love and now my wonderful husband.  They, with God's grace and guidance, will see me through this time of trial ... indirectly ... (via prayer and good intentions) and directly ... (who knows Ken may find it in himself to pray).

4/9/2010  Flowers?  For me? ... For me : )  I feel the love ...


(and they're orange ... color of a sunset ... and not lilly's : )


I've been tired ... busy ... lazy?  Need to find a new place to write ....


4/10/2010  Here's a clue if you want to keep reading?

...Something that I seldom watch ...

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Thanks for taking a moment to share your thoughts. I'll read them and post them soon! God Bless! M